being jamie lynn...

hello?...

2011-11-25T12:47:00.000-05:00

Hello?... Is this thing on?...

April. I can't believe its been that long since I posted. I logged in a few times over the past seven months, but nothing ever seemed to fall into place. Sure, I've had plenty to say since then but trying to make the stream of randomness in my mind into anything coherent proved difficult. It was easier just to walk away. To breathe. To try to find myself again. Where this place was once my source of therapy... a place to clear my mind... this year I just didn't have it in me.

A recap of my life since April is certainly not necessary and would be extremely boring so I'll spare whoever is left reading this. I will say that I've survived. My life has certainly not gone as planned but I'm ok with the path that has become mine. I have so much to be thankful for and this past year was a huge reminder of that.

So, I think I'm ready to give this blogging thing a go once again. We'll see what happens.

"Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity..." Gilda Radner

where to begin...

2011-04-12T12:15:00.000-04:00

I honestly don't know where to begin... I guess last Thursday is the best place to start.

9dp3dt = 9 days past 3 day transfer = 12 days past O = 2 days till beta = we caved
When I got home from work on Thursday, we talked about how anxious we both were. After some hesitation we both decided what the hell, and I ran to the store for some tests. After eating dinner and talking about it again, we went for it.

While faint, a second line came up right away.

10dp3dt = 10 days past 3 day transfer = 13 days past O = 1 day till beta = can we keep the secret
I tested again with FMU and once again, the second line came up right away. We went about our day on cloud nine and wondered how we were going to keep our news a secret at the wedding we had to attend that night. Being surrounded by some of my closest friends and not spilling the beans was difficult. I wanted to scream that it was finally our turn, but we wanted to wait for the official beta.

11dp3dt = 11 days past 3 day thransfer = 14 days past O = beta day = are you freaking kidding me
We woke up early and made our way to the clinic for the official blood draw. My nurse laughed and said she could tell I had tested by the huge smile on my face. She wished us luck and send us on our way. We spent the morning running some errands and finally got the call while we were at the car wash. I knew something was wrong by the tone of her voice and my heart dropped when she said that my beta was only 21.2. I composed myself while we waited for the car, but completely lost my shit as soon as we were able to drive away. Sure, there are success stories of betas that low, but in that moment I couldn't see past the fear.

13dp3dt = 13 days past 3 day transfer = 16 days past O = beta #2 = it's over
Our second beta came in at 14.9. It's over, a chemical pregancy.

We are heartbroken. I'm numb.

FET...

2011-03-31T14:46:00.001-04:00

My ma.cbook got sick. She needed a new hardrive. After several painful days without her, I finally call the call from the g.eniousbar that she was all better... and all my shit had been recovered (insert huge sigh of relief here). But, this kicked me off my router. I never got around to changing the hexkey to an actual password, and aparently Joel threw away the paper with the code. I have no interent at home and I'm losing it. I attempted to reset the router, but our pc disk drive won't open sooo... I'm relying on my phone and work computer until I have the patience to figure out a better solution (or I am just a moron and there is an easy solution?).

So, because of all of that I haven't been able to update yet again. It's quiet here at work so I figured I would do a bit of catching up...

Last week my E2 was not where they wanted it to be. I was up'ed to four pacthes and given an estra.ce supp (fun). After a few days and a couple of monitoring appointments we got the official ok to schedule our FET.

Saturday I began the lovely PIO injections. I honestly had myself so worked about about them that I broke into tears with the needle in my hand. Finally I sucked it up and took the plunge (figuratively and literally). And ya know what?... it wasn't all that bad. I rubbed the site manually for a few minutes and then sat on a heating pad for a bit as well. This routine seems to be working for me. Five days in and I'm doing well. My ass is certainly sore, but the horror I had made it out to be is pretty comical to me now.

Three of our embabies were thawed on Sunday. All three survived the thaw but by Monday, one had arrested. Tuesday we transferred one 6 cell grade 1.5 and one 4 cell grade 1.5. While she would have liked to see at least 6 cells and ideally 8 on day three, she said that even though they were lagging a bit they looked nearly perfect under the microscope (grade on scale of 1-5 with 1 being the best).

The transfer itself was so super easy. Dr. G was awesome and talked with us through the whole procedure. Being able to watch the embies be placed in my uterus was beyond awesome. (I'll try to post a pic later.)

So, now we wait and pray that at least one of those little ones has decided to stick around for the long haul. Beta will be on 4/9 which is thankfully a few days earlier than I orginally thought. I'm back to work today and have a ton of things to do over the coming week which will hopefully help keep me from slowly losing it until next Saturday.

So, today is 2dp3dt = 2 days past 3 day transfer = 5 days past O = 9 days until beta = the countdown has begun...

good omen...

2011-03-21T12:26:00.000-04:00

Last Friday, we finally moved our embabies to the new clinic...

Super easy process... Pick up container from old clinic, drive in Friday rush hour traffic to new clinic, drive back thru Friday rush hour traffic to old clinic, return container :)

While the traffic sucked, the weather was beautiful and the sky looked like this...

That's gotta be a good omen right?

As for the cycle itself... a brief update: When previously on L.upron, I was lucky to be symptom free. This time around... not so much. Crazy hot flashes, night sweats, and a super fun headache thrown in for good measure occassionaly made for a not so peachy me. Thankfully, once the estro.gen patches started, the side effects went away for the most part.

All of my monitoring appointments have been good so far. I go for another tomorrow and then I believe my last will be on Saturday.

FET 3/29 (8 days!!!)
Beta 4/12 (22 days!!!)
Holy shit!!!

Friday's drive brought us a block of Aerosmi.th during a local radio stations RockMarchMadness... This lyric from "Dream On" made me smile..."Dream on, dream until your dream comes true..."

hopeful...

2011-03-03T17:28:00.001-05:00

Oh right... I have a blog... that I never update... oops...

I am happy to report that the biopsy results came back negative. The mass is benign. I will follow up with a six month check-up with my gyno and will return for another MRI in a year ( I will continue with them yearly).

In the wonderful world of my uterus, I am happy to report that with the arrival of AF today I was able to schedule my baseline for Monday morning. FET will tentatively take place the last week in March.

We had a ton of events to attend in February and now that things have kind of settled, I hope to get back into the swing of things around here. I'm sure when the crazy sets in as I add new medications and anticipate transfer and beta, I will need a place to release some of my emotions.

While having to delay sucked. I am in a good place now and am very excited that we are where we are. While the fear is always there, lurking in the shadows, I am really hopeful for things to come. Happy news has been announced a lot by those near to us lately, and I can't help but to hope that we'll be sharing our own happy news sometime soon...

"Amazing isn't it, how some see the basket half empty and others see it half full? Some see life hopeless, some hopeful. Even when things are less than perfect, if you think of the good, the beautiful, the hopeful, you'll be more than sustained..." Author Unknown

on hold...

2011-02-03T23:05:00.002-05:00

I had to cancel my cycle. The abbreviated version is as follows...

I went two weeks ago for what supposed to be a baseline MRI of sorts. I'm too young for mammograms, but with my family history (my momma is a bc survivor and her sister passed when she was in her 30's), the Dr wanted to be proactive.

Well of course, because I have the most awesomest luck ever, they found something. She's pretty sure that it is a benign mass of cells. They tried ultrasounding it on Monday with no luck (my breasts are too dense). My Dr. would now like to do an MRI guided biopsy.

The earliest they can get me in is the 9th. We tried for something sooner, but since AF showed on Tuesday, that effects when they can do the test.

So, of course this news means that we had to put the FET on hold. Not only for obvious health reasons but also that were I to start any of the hormones they would have to delay the biopsy (for my levels to even out), and also if the mass isn't benign they could make it grow faster.

I spoke with my RE and the plan is to go back on bcp's (as long as that is ok with my other Dr). Pending the results of the biopsy, we could get going again right away.

I'm pissed. Yes, I know my health is what is most important. Yes, I know that being proactive is necessary. But seriously? Seriously?! Can we catch a freaking break?

Thankfully, outside of "us" we have a lot of happy going on so I don't have too much time to analyze everything. My Dad's birthday, my parent's anniversary, and a gathering of friends and family for the superbowl will make the weekend pass with lots of laughs.

Joel, as always, is amazing and continually reminds me that we will get where we are going. I know that. I'm just tired of all the detours...

"Set backs are bumps in the road, they are not the end of the road..." Bob Greene

rambly...

2011-01-25T15:42:00.001-05:00

Updating around these parts has been on my list of things to do, but it kept getting pushed to the bottom of that list. Looking at my last post and realizing how much of a slacker I have been (yet again), I figured I'd try to get my act together at least a little bit.

I'm in my last week of bcps and began shooting up L.upron this morning. Our h.ysteroscpy and mock transfer both went. Hopefully by the end of next week I'll be slapping e.strogen patches along my tummy and be on my way to buildng a nice cushy lining for our embies to snuggle into.

Calls to our old clinic and our new one have been made so that we can prepare those precious embies for their trip. I'm quite disgruntled with our old clinic as they are charging us $350.00 to "prepare" everything for the move. They aren't very forthcoming with information and I just don't have the energy to argue with them. So, while I am not happy about it I am just going to pay them and be done. This just reaffirms how right we were to pursue other opinions and move forward with a new Dr.

Our paperwork is complete. I just have to pay the fee and offically schedule everything. I hope that all is finished with that aspect of this cycle by next week. Basically I am just trucking along at this point. I'm trying not to think about things and am honestly trying not to get my hopes up.

Warning... this could get rambly, but I hope my thoughts come through semi-coherently...

My parents know our story and have gone above and beyond in the support department. I count my blessings everyday that I have such wonderful and loving parents. My momma and I talked a bunch this weekend about what this cycle entails and the what-ifs of what happens if it doesn't work. She related how almost three years ago, when they were wheeling her in for her double m.asectomy, she laughed because of all the things that could have come to her mind at that moment, the lyrics to "Q.ue S.era S.era" are what popped into her head. That became her mantra. That helped her focus. There are some things you just don't have much control over and you just have to roll with it.

Now don't get me wrong, when most people tell me that everything happens for a reason, I usually want to throat punch them, and most people reading this will probably want to tell me to shove it. But talking with Mom was different. It was more of a reminder that we have done everything we have needed to do. We just need to keep faith and hope that our prayers are answered. And my reaction/acceptance to this conversation showed me how far I have really come.

A discussion was had on the boards today about living childless. I fully admit that we have thought/talked about it and have come to terms that should this cycle not work, that a child free life could very well be our reality. Yeah it saddens me and I think it's totally unfair... but I know we'll pull through (I'm not saying it'll be easy - but we have each other to lean on).

I think I'll quit typing before this all becomes just a bunch of word vomit that makes no sense ;)

"Q.ue S.era S.era, Whatever will be will be, The future's not ours to see, Q.ue S.era S.era, What will be will be..." Doris Day

beginning...

2011-01-04T22:26:00.001-05:00

And so we begin... the countdown to FET has officially begun.

Prover.a is done and I am hoping to have a visit from AF by the weekend. Once she makes an appearance I will schedule my day3's and hysters.copy and the ball will be rolling. Talk to me about the hysteros.copy, does it suck as bad as the HSG and SHG? Worse, better, give me the goods ladies.

I spoke with the IVF coordinator today and scheduled our nursing consult to discuss in length the details of our FET protocol, sign our consent forms, and order our meds. There was availability for this week but due to our schedules, I decided to take the opening for next Tuesday. While I have to travel to an office that is a bit far, I am happy that I was able to get in so quickly.

I am feeling good. My mind is clear and in keeping up with my running/exercise I hope that my body is also ready. I am also considering accu, but haven't made a decision just yet (any experience to share?). I want to do everything I can to be as healthy as possible, but I don't want to obsess over it, kwim?

So for now I am focusing on the new year and maintaining a happy me. Clean slate - fresh start - new beginnings - you get the drift ;)

"A beginning is only the start of a journey to another beginning..." Author Unknown

excitement...

2010-12-29T23:12:00.000-05:00

I am very happy to report that as of today, things are finally moving forward in the wonderful world of baby-making :) Of course this leaves me with a lot on my mind and a whole lot to say, but this update will have to be short and sweet.

I started P.rovera today to bring on AF since she has been on hiatus and put a call in to the new clinic. We have decided to go with the clinic in Philly. What a world of difference I could feel in that one phone call over our old clinic. The nurse I spoke to was great and very patient with my questions.

Basically the game plan is to go in for day 3's. If all is well then I will go on bcp's. From there I'll need to schedule a hysteroscop.y and mock transfer. The remainder of the FET protocol will include Lupro.n and estroge.n patches and of course lovely progesteron.e when the time is right. I could be off in my timing, but I think this puts us with a transfer of some time in February.

February... which is one year from our last transfer. It's frustrating that it has been that long, but I'm trying to focus on the excitement of getting this show on the road. Big things are in store for 2011 ;)

"Dreams get you into the future and add excitement to the the present..." Robert Conklin

Merry Christmas... the slacker edition

2010-12-27T21:22:00.000-05:00

The week after Thanksgiving we began to receive Christmas cards in the mail from our friends and family. After the umpteeth photo card, my sanity was wavering. Don't get me wrong, I honestly love seeing the adorable faces of nieces/nephews/cousins/friends/etc... but, there's always that suppressed pang of when will I get to do one of these?

So, one day I turned to Joel and asked if he was up for some fun. How would he feel about putting a spin on the whole photocard? We could have a good laugh and hopefully bring a smile to the receivers as well.

The result, in my opinion, was pretty great. I don't have a scan of the actual card, but here are some of the photos we used :)

Joel's women's mock-neck and vest are quite stylish, no?

We are fully aware that we look like total tools, but we loved every minute of it and have decided to make it our new tradition. We already have some great ideas in mind for future use.

And the responses to our cards have all been great. The laughs are still coming!

As for Christmas itself... It continues to be one of the best days of our year. Our families and friends are all amazing, and we enjoyed the quality time that we were able to share with all of them.

I hope that each of you is surviving the holidays and looking forward to the new year to come!

"I wish we could put up some of Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month..." Harlan Miller

stockings...

2010-11-29T16:37:00.001-05:00

When it comes to my emotions any rational person would think that with another new baby in my life, I may be feeling out of sorts. And yes, I will fully admit that while holding sweet Cali and staring into those newborn eyes I felt that pull in my gut... that "I wish it could be me" or "when will it be my turn" feeling that threatens to break me. But the feeling was brief and I pulled through by reminding myself that it wasn't about me. It was about celebrating new life. It was about about welcoming Cali to the world.

And then I went to Target... and nearly lost my shit...

A little back story... When we moved into our house however many years ago, the first holiday that we really got to decorate for was Christmas. I love Christmas. It has always been an all out kind of deal in my parents house. My Momma could give MarthaStew a run for her money ;) So I was super amped that I finally got to deck my own halls.

While shopping for decorations, I fell in love with Christmas stockings. At the time I tossed around the idea of maybe buying more than just the two that we needed at the time. Surely by the following holiday season I would be needing to set out three. But I talked myself out of it and said that I'd take care of it when the time came.

Those stockings haven't been sold since. That is, until this year.

While strolling the Christmas section at Target over the weekend, I spotted them as rounded the aisle. I stopped and stared for several minutes. I know that I looked like a lunatic just standing there but there they were again, finally, and yet I still didn't need another one. It hurt. A lot. And yeah, maybe the hurt wasn't just about the stockings but it shocked me that something so small could be my tipping point.

In my typical fashion, I packaged up the crazy and bottled up the pain. After a few deep breaths I moved on. I am tired of moving on. I want to move forward. In the meantime though I will continue to take deep breaths and remember that I really am blessed for all that I have to be thankful for.

"If we fill our hours with regrets over the failures of yesterday, and with the worries and problems of tomorrow, we have no today in which to be thankful..." Unknown

thankful...

2010-11-26T19:54:00.000-05:00

This year, we had something extra thankful to be thankful for...

Last night my sister-in-law went into labor, and at 2:17 this morning, Miss Cali Rose made her debut.

She is absolutely perfect and I am totally in love :)

birthday cake...

2010-11-01T23:04:00.000-04:00

Today is a great day because it's the birthday of my very favorite redhead!

This guy...

I think he's pretty great :)

Happy Birthday Love!

"All the world is birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much..." George Harrison

the adoption theory...

2010-10-28T10:08:00.001-04:00

I spent a lot of time with my friend and her mom after her dad passed. I have always considered her parents like family and am grateful that I could have this talk with her and her mom.

I don't remember how we circled around to the topic, but the subject was one I had hoped to talk about one day. I have always known that my friend is the product of, for lack of a better term, the "adoption theory."

The summarized story unfolds something like this. After battling infertility for eight years thru countless treatments, prescriptions, and procedures a decision was made to pursue adoption. She recalled to the exact day of when she made the call. They were trying to get into a program that would only accept twelve couples. She remembers staying up all night for fear of oversleeping. She had to be the first one to call and get on the list.

The adoption would be thru a religious organization that had very strict guidelines. After 10 months of interviews, home studies, and the like... they welcomed home a beautiful baby boy. She told us how the second he was placed in her arms that there was no question of where he belonged. He was theirs.

A month later, she was pregnant.

With news of the pregnancy, there was a chance that their sweet baby boy could be taken away, but by the grace of God, he was able to remain where he belonged. Their family of four was complete.

Our conversation turned to the stupidity of others and the lack of judgement/awareness/whathaveyou in regards to asking about the state of another person's uterus. How after she found about her miracle, she cringed when people told her it was because she had finally relaxed. How she never forgets how lucky she is to have been blessed with two perfect children. How she will never forget those eight long years of sorrow.

Thirty years later she recognizes that same fear in me. She didn't offer any, "it'll get better" or "the time will come" or "just relax"... she just listened and I am grateful. In the midst of grieving the sudden loss of her beloved husband, she was able to find a smile as she recalled the whirlwind of that summer three decades ago. We talked. We laughed. We bounced back & forth some good retorts for how to respond when the inevitable baby questions are asked.

It was nice to talk to someone so close who really understood all the emotions and hormonal episodes. My story will not unfold like hers, but will nonetheless play out. Whether it be children through ivf or adoption, or living a child free life - there is something great awaiting me in the future.

I believe that while we may not always get what we wish for, there is a happily ever after waiting out there for each of us. It may not be what we initially set out for, but when we reach it... it fits just right.

"Hope is the expectation that something outside of ourselves, something or someone external, is going to come to our rescue and we will live happily ever after..." Dr. Robert Anthony

life...

2010-10-25T15:58:00.001-04:00

Where to begin...

With the passing of my friend's father, a whole new reality set it. None of us really knew what to do or say, but I am blessed to have a very tight-knit group of friends that always comes through no matter what. Our friend needed us... and we all needed each other. A whole new lesson on life was before us and moving forward was a testament to the bond we all share.

Since then there have been more than a few weddings & birthdays to celebrate, and a new love entered my life when a dear friend welcomed a beautiful baby boy to this world. He is without a doubt one of the cutest babies I have ever seen.

As to the status of my own uterus... we are still on a break. Just about everything is in place to move forward with the FET. With a little luck and a lot of faith, we can hopefully get going by the end of the year.

If I am being totally honest, as time has flown by, the fear has started to creep back in. I know I am strong enough to fight it, but after being at a standstill for so long I guess the doubts and second thoughts were inevitable.

In an effort to keep my mind busy I have been on a reading binge lately. From classics to romance and everything in between, I have been flying through books lately and am loving it. I can't seem to get enough. It's nice to escape to the world of literature and renew my spirit with the reminder that with a little imagination you can do just about anything.

With the recent spark to my imagination, I have also been sticking my feet further into the photography pool. My camera comes just about everywhere with me and I am looking into a class that a friend shared with me. From weddings to pumpkin picking - I'm having a lot of fun. To put it in the simplest of words, I am loving capturing life...

"This world is but a canvas to our imaginations..." Henry David Thoreau

time...

2010-10-09T17:13:00.000-04:00

I can't believe it's been a month since I last posted. With so much on my mind and so much going on around here, I haven't really had the time to sit down and put together a post. But, I hope to get some stuff together and get back into the swing of things this week :)

Hope everyone is enjoying the start of fall!

birthday...

2010-09-09T22:24:00.000-04:00

Today is my birthday. Sadly, I cannot say that it was the happiest of days.

It honestly hasn't been the happiest few weeks...

In the beginning of August we said goodbye to a woman who was a major influence in my childhood. After a courageous battle with O.varianCancer, Coach Sue passed away. She was an amazing woman who gave more than she ever expected in return and who touched the lives of countless youths in our town for more than 30 years.

Last Wednesday we laid to rest a dear friend of our family. Lou was one of my Grandmother's lifelong friends. While no funeral is ever easy, this day was more about celebrating the long life of a great friend who is finally at rest.

On Friday we learned that Joel's uncle had passed. After being diagnosed with stage4cancer in May, Uncle J opted to not undergo any treatments and lived out his final days surrounded by family and friends.

On Sunday, we suddenly lost the father of one of my oldest and best friends. Ed was an amazing man, a devoted husband & father, and a doting grandfather. That he will be missed, is putting it lightly.

The services for Ed were held today. It was honestly one of the hardest days of my life. To see my friend and her family in so much pain and with so few answers was extremely difficult. We spent the afternoon reminiscing and laughing through all the wonderful memories we have. But I know that there are many dark days ahead, and I pray that I have the strength to stand by their side and help them through.

In the middle of the day, a cupcake was passed to me, with the message "Just wanted you to know it wasn't forgotten." My birthday was honestly the last thing on my mind today, but with that simple gesture and all of the love and well wishes I received today I sit here now feeling truly blessed. I am one very lucky girl to have such amazing friends and family.

"Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day..." Author Unknown

100 posts...

2010-09-01T19:36:00.003-04:00

When I started this blog, I had no idea where it would take me. I certainly had not a clue that 100 posts later I would find myself where I am today. While my original intentions were simply to have a place to vent, there is no denying that along the way this has become primarily a journal of our battle with infertility.

And I am ok with that. I am who am am today because of this path and more importantly, who I traveled this path with. By that I mean not only Joel and our friends and family who are simply the most amazing support system ever, but also each of you who has offered a kind word, or a hug, or a shoulder to lean on on those darkest of days. Thank you to each of you who stops by to read my ramblings.

busy...

2010-08-31T22:16:00.000-04:00

It was a busy weekend. We had yet another wedding on Friday evening (we seriously have more weddings than anyone I know), and I spent Saturday and Sunday doing a ton around the house (it's amazing what new curtains can do for a room).

Being so busy, I didn't really have much time to think about making a decision, but as I lay in bed on Saturday night it just came to me. The clinics have only slight differences in what they see fit for us and I can totally understand both sides. What seemed to make the the choice for me is that the Philly clinic seems a bit more personal - more time with the actual Dr. Add to that the simple fact that it will be super easy to get in and out of the city for monitoring in the am via the train and the choice seemed a bit clearer.

I talked it over with Joel and he feels comfortable with this choice as well. We figure we'll give AF a chance to rear her ugly head (hopefully on her own), and then schedule my day3's and the other testing Dr. G wants to perform. From there we'll get going with the FET... I'm thinking that will be Octoberish.

Oddly enough, after making this choice, I woke up yesterday feeling crampy. AF has not showed yet and the cramps could have been a fluke, but I am hoping and praying that she makes an appearance soon.

And I must say that I have felt great the past few days. My spirit seems restored. Maybe with the cleaning and refreshing of the house this weekend, a little cleaning and refreshing of my soul happened along the way...

"One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself." Lucille Ball

trying...

2010-08-25T21:45:00.000-04:00

Today was another one of those days where I would start a post... then erase the post... then start over and end up deleting it all again...

Trying to find the right words for the spinning thoughts... trying to weigh the pros and cons of each of the clinics... trying to figure out when we could cycle... And on top of that I was trying to tackle the mountain that is covering my desk at work... while trying to figure out the right balance of meds for my asthma that decided it wanted to kick me in the balls this week... if all else fails, the raspy voice that this wicked wheezy cough has left me with will make for a great career change as a phone sex operator ;)

And the usual me would be overwhelmed, but today was a fuckit kind of day. I came home from work and left my worries at the door. Only after sitting down now to check my blogroll, did I start to revisit my earlier thoughts. Thinking back about the words that just didn't seem to form to how I was feeling. And I guess that I've come to the realization that there is only so much I can do. Over-thinking and over-analyzing aren't going to get me anywhere. I don't mean to say that I will not continue to look at the options that lie before us, rather I have accepted that I don't need to make any decisions today. Whether it be tomorrow or two weeks from now, the answers will come to me when the time is right.

This quote gave me good giggle today...
"There are some days I practice positive thinking, and other days I am not positive I am thinking." John M. Eades

FET consult #2...

2010-08-24T15:23:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I skipped out of work a bit early to head to the city for FET consult #2. Our ride into Philly was uneventful and we even lucky enough to find street parking two blocks down from the office.

We didn't have much of a wait and after checking my bp, height, and weight (down 2lbs from consult #1!), we sat down to meet with Dr. G. After reviewing my records she came to the same conclusions about what went wrong and she also felt that even though the cycle should have been been done a little differently, our negative result was probably a case of bad luck.

The FET protocol is the same from all the Dr's I have talked to, so that discussion wasn't a surprise. The main difference was that she would thaw our three day 2's and transfer back two on day 3. If, God forbid, none of those three survived the thaw then we would move on to the day 3's we have. I did ask what she would have me do if we were to do a fresh cycle again and her suggestion would be the long L.upron but she would change the dosages of the stims.

She would like to do her own work-up as expected, but for the most part, we could get started whenever we felt ready. The office is really easy to get to and I am pretty sure that it's location would allow me to take the train in and out for monitoring in the mornings which would be nice. The transfer however is at another office that is quite a bit further, so that will have to be considered as well.

Now comes the difficult part of deciding where to cycle. I thought I would, but I really don't have a "feeling" for one over the other. I know that I don't need to decide today, but I was hoping for some kind of something to help me make up my mind. So, we'll lay it all out and try to work it all out, and hopefully sometime very soon we will be moving in the right direction.

"Good plans shape good decisions. That's why good planning helps to make elusive dreams come true." Lester R. Bittel

FET consult #1...

2010-08-17T11:43:00.000-04:00

Friday afternoon we rushed out of work and made our way to Delaware to meet Dr. N for our FET consultation. Mid afternoon, on a Friday, between Jersey and Delaware, in the middle summer is not an ideal time for travel, but the timing meant that neither of us would have to take off time from work to attend, so I didn't hesitate when the opening was available.

The drive could have been a lot worse (and the drive back was), but we made it in plenty of time only to wait... and then wait a little more. But waiting aside, it was a great appointment.

We first met with Dr. N's assistant to review our history, and then met with Dr. N. I really like what they had to say. Firstly, my suspicions regarding our IVF cycle were confirmed. I was started off at too high a dose of stims which, having PCOS, made my E2 jump. In turn I was dropped and then eventually coasted which resulting in my loss of a lot of eggs. While we still retrieved a good number, it probably should have been higher. Her suggestion, should we decide to to a fresh again, would be to start at a lower dose and work me up as needed. She would also suppress me with G.anirelix and then trigger me with Lupro.n, as another way to prevent OHSS.

In regards to the FET, she took the time to meet with their embryology department and review my records prior to sitting down with us. We had three embies frozen on day 2 and two frozen on day 3. While my original clinic only did three day transfers, this clinic prefers a five day transfer. Her recommendation would be to thaw the day 2s, followed a day later by the day 3s and watch them all to day 5. Dr. N's suggestion would then be to transfer back 1 and freeze what was still growing. The transfer of 1 vs. 2 is something we need to think about still, but she feels pretty strongly about 1. (They have a tank that can be used for transporting our embies and it should be as "simple" as signing a thousand consents between the two offices.)

Another thing that we have to take into consideration is that they cycle everyone together. The only problem with this is me being able to commute back and forth on their schedule as opposed to my own. Not a huge deal, but definitely something to think about, seeing as it isn't exactly around the corner.

Something else that she gave us to consider is a study they are doing in regards to egg v.itrification. Long story short, as part of the study our cost of a fresh cycle would be cut in half (plus the cost of meds). If that cycle didn't result in a pregnancy then any subsequent FET's would be free.

In the meantime, she would like to do her own work-up on me including bloods, u/s, another SHG, and a 3hr g.lucose test. We didn't schedule anything just yet as we have an appointment with another RE in Philly next week, but I really did like this Dr a lot and could understand her reasoning for her game plan.

We have so much to think over and that load will only get heavier after next week's appointment. Honestly I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. Some of it goes back to this post, where certain doubts have crept into my mind. While in my heart I know that I want to move forward, there's that small piece of me that keeps saying well maybe all of this isn't meant to be. I hate that. I feel robbed.

So for now I'll continue to take each day as it is given and work through those doubts as they come.

"One day at a time, this is enough. Do not look back and grieve for the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering." Ida Scott Taylor

paint...

2010-08-02T10:29:00.000-04:00

Note to self:

Do not decide to paint the bedroom that you hope will one day be the nursery when,

a) AF has arrived after a nearly 3 month hiatus
b) you have just gotten home from a baby shower
c) you have been subject to more than 3 baby announcements in the past 24 hours
d) you forgot to eat dinner
e) you aren't thrilled with the color

Meltdown will ensue - I promise.

Thank God for wonderful husbands who take notice of the impending desperation, leave silently, and return with pints of waterice to calm their lunatic wives.

I feel much better about the color of the room today and think that once all the furtniture is in place and the bedding and windows are dressed it will really come together ;)

excited!..

2010-07-22T22:49:00.000-04:00

Guess who will be cycling sooner than planned?

Yep... Yours Truly!

Tomorrow I will be making phone calls to schedule our new consults.

Some happy things happened today that helped the stars align. I am in shock and beyond excited to get this show on the road :)

disappointed...

2010-07-16T11:24:00.000-04:00

When it came time for us to choose a clinic, we were fortunate in that there are several in this area. The one we decided on was not only the one with the best success rates, but also the one that a friend had recommended. I was optimistic after our consult (finally diagnosed with pcos), and was feeling great about our choice.

Now, I had typed out a whole thing about our cycle but the bottom line is, I am very disappointed in our treatment and have been looking into other Drs to consult with. And, no it's not just because it didn't work. It's because looking back, things should have been done differently and I just didn't realize it at the time. Even after our WTF appointment, I wasn't feeling like the new plan would make any difference if we continued at this clinic.

So, knowing we would be on a break for awhile, I asked for a copy of my file. This only further solidified that changing is the right thing to do. One of the biggest things that jumped out at me is my diagnostic testing. I don't want to be the patient that is trying to diagnose herself or question the Drs, but there are definitely some things that stood out to me. So, when we make the switch I really realize how much I need to be my own advocate.

I''ve been doing a ton of research and while, like I said, there are more than a few clinics to choose from near home, the two that I am most seriously considering are out of state. Fortunately they are still relatively close. I had a mini phone consult of sorts with one of them last week and am looking forward to setting up a time to get down there and have a full conversation.

Making these calls has me feeling good. Yeah, I'm bummed that we aren't cycling yet, but I'm excited to be moving in what feels like the right direction. The state of limbo that our treatments has been in is starting to shift and that gets me smiling. I guess I didn't realize how heavily the not knowing when/what/where/if was weighing on me until that phone call. When I hung up, I finally felt like progress was being made. I still may not know the when/what/where, but the if has finally moved from my mind...

a start...

2010-07-08T15:09:00.002-04:00

In June we crossed over the two year mark of trying to produce a little one of our own. Our reproductive attempts feel like the halleysfreakincomet of fertility. Yes, I know that is overly dramatic - we aren't waiting 75ish years between cycles, but so far we have really only gotten a couple of real chances. Since I seem to cycle like a solareclipse without medical intervention, and the hub's "boys," while improved, are still not nearly where they should be, the odds of us making a baby the old fashioned way seem highly unlikely (a girl can dream though, right?).

This waiting in between cycles is tearing me up. It makes me think of all these different scenarios. Maybe we shouldn't have kids now. Maybe we shouldn't have kids ever. Maybe parenthood isn't meant for us. Am I ready to give up and live a childless life? The answers to all of that is no... and I know that... but the thoughts come jumping out at me some days. (I can't help but to think of those that will read that and offer up the unwanted, "Well, if she is thinking that, then she really must not want a baby as badly as I do.") And yet, when those thoughts come creeping in I can't help but to think of our life without children... the places we would go and the things we would see... and then again I smack myself and say, yo jackass - you can do all those things - even with children. And then it all circles back around to the omgcanwepleasejustgetmovingonwiththeFETalready?!

And the funny thing is, is that even though those crap thoughts get into the cracks sometimes, I am honestly in a really good place right now. I am happy. I feel good. As I said in my last post, I am busy living. I'm learning to take the good with the bad, but it never ceases to amaze me at how one little dark thought can start the wheels spinning and the next thing you know you feel two cans short of a six pack and you are waiting for your poor husband to admit you.

If we could have just gotten pregnant like "normal" people, none of these thoughts would have ever crossed my mind. Yeah, I'm sure there would be days of anxiety about having a baby, but I don't think I would be questioning my abilities as a mom and my right to be a mother quite as much and quite as harshly.

I guess the whole point of this is that I hate IF for what it stole from me. It stole the simple pleasures that most couples get to enjoy. It took away the easy. It robbed me of my rose-colored glasses, if you will.

God, I don't even know if any of that makes even a shred of sense (which is why it has taken me so long to post and why getting it all out will take multiple posts)... but I guess it's a start to clearing out the chaos that can seem all-consuming sometimes.

Oh, heeey...

2010-07-07T12:07:00.000-04:00

Oh, heeey... remember me?

So much and yet so little has happened over the past few weeks. No earth shattering news to report or anything, but we have been crazy busy with weddings and birthdays and graduations and bbqs and trips to the shore... in other words - we've been living :) And saying that makes me happy because as much as this blog has been an amazing place for me to get out the dark and twistys on bad days, and share the loving on good days, it makes me feel good to just shake it all out on my own sometimes.

That being said, there are a few things that have been swirling around in my dome for awhile that I know I need to get out. It's finding the right words to express it all that's been the issue. The perfect words always seem to come to me as I am falling asleep at night, but I know that if I get up and type it out, getting myself back to bed could be difficult... kwim? So I've taken to writing down bits as I think of them, and slowly but surely my thoughts are coming together. It's frustrating because I feel like there's so much there and then when it comes down to putting it down, I'm blank.

I laugh at myself because what I have to say most definitely won't bring world peace or anything of the sort, lol, but I just gotta get it out. And my thoughts are all over the place because there are so many different things on my mind that I'm sure it will only make sense to me in the end... but oh well... that's what it's all about in the end anyway, right?...

Anniversary...

2010-06-20T14:49:00.002-04:00

Two years ago today...

This girl...

And this guy...

Made this happen...

Happy Anniversary Love :)

Happiness...

2010-06-15T10:58:00.001-04:00

Sure our to-do list is a mile long, but we didn't care this weekend. Between house cleaning and laundry doing, we squeezed in a whole lot of happy and this two-day weekend felt better than the three-day weekend we had a few weeks back :)

Happiness is your sister-in-law squeezing you into her crazy day to add some much needed highlights to your sorry excuse for a head of hair...

It's a Friday afternoon spent giggling with your favorite one year old who's smile just melts your heart...

It's a late Friday dinner with Margaritas and dessert at your favorite restaurant...

It's a lazy Saturday morning with a movie and m&m pancakes in bed...

It's a humid Saturday night laughing with friends while sipping on these...

Happiness is curling up on the couch with a good book during a Sunday afternoon thunderstorm...

It's Mom's raviolis and meatballs followed by a trip to get water-ice from your most favorite water-ice place ever...

Sometimes, the happiest of weekends is one spent doing everything you want to do, and nothing that you need to do...

Bahamas Picture Post...

2010-06-02T09:14:00.001-04:00

Bahamas Recap Part 3...

2010-06-01T09:35:00.001-04:00

There are a lot of things we said we were going to do on this trip, but most of them didn't happen. The lone excursion we took advantage of was a day at the Chat.n.Chill.

This day needs a little bit of background for true appreciation. I am by no means a social butterfly. I most definitely fit into the category of socially awkward. I need to ease into groups and am very quiet until I get to know my bearings. Joel, on the other hand is like the freakin mayor. He can talk to anyone at anytime about anything.

While we had developed a great friendship with the bartender (shocker), we hadn't really gotten out there to talk to other couples for fear of my deer in headlights awkwardness. But while chatting with said bartender one night we learned that a small group was heading on this excursion the next morning. And of course, the more people going would help cut the cost, so he introduced us. It was late so we didn't chat much but we agreed that we would meet them the next morning to head out.

All morning I was dreading spending the day with eight strangers but Joel managed to get me to the lobby. The group was already there and the van arrived shortly after. Looking at the van I was thinking that there was no way we were are all fitting and inside I was thrilled. I stood in the doorway trying to convey such to Joel who told me I was nuts and to get my ass in.

I am so happy that we went. The four couples that we spent the day with were awesome. They broke down my guard in no time and the day was so much fun. Joel even shared with them later about my desperate attempts to not go and everyone got a good laugh.

So, back to what the day was about...

The Chat.n.Chill is a bar and grill that sits about a 20 minute cab and then 10 minute water taxi ride away from the resort.

The island it finds its home on doesn't contain much else...

Inside the ceiling is covered with tokens (mostly t-shirts) signed and left behind from visitors.

(Some of our favorite finds were a Jersey license plate stating pmpn8ez, another stamped with jersey grl, and a Phillies Ashburn t-shirt)

We explored the beach, lounged in the water, and laughed the day away.

The break from the resort was great and finding such awesome people that we clicked with made the rest of our week more fun than we could have asked for.

I'll have three more posts for you shortly. One will be a picture post, one will be a review of the resort and the other will be a review of some of the products that came along for the trip...

Bahamas Recap Part 2...

2010-05-31T21:33:00.000-04:00

Rather than give a play by play of our daily activities, I figure it would be better to give a general idea of the goings on of our trip. But, I will start things off with our greeting... Champagne and a cold towel greeted us as we entered the resort. From the lobby there is an amazing view of the main pool with the ocean as a backdrop. Check-in took a few minutes and then we were ushered to our room with a brief resort tour/tutorial along the way.

Most of the buildings are three floors and the view from our 3rd floor room was nothing short of amazing.

The view of the ocean was beautiful.

View of the quiet pool.

One of the many lounge areas.

Not having to share a beach was pretty awesome. While there were plenty of chairs, I do wish there were more umbrellas/huts. I could lay on the beach all day, but this irish girl needs a dosage of shade here and there so as not to be burned to a crisp. Yes, I rocked spf50 every day, but that still doesn't give me the ok to take in the rays unfiltered all day.

And while we only saw a mere thrirty seconds of a mist of rain, the wind on some days did make the beach a ghost town.

On those days, we lounged under a cabana at the quiet pool...

Or sipped drinks at the main pool...

If you haven't caught on yet, relaxation was the name of the game for this trip. We wanted to not have to worry about a single thing and that was definitely achieved here. The biggest worry all week was when we should get our asses up and make our way back to the room for showers and dinner.

After eating, most nights we made our way to the Drunken Duck which is the resort's pub. Great music inside, live entertainment outside, awesome bartenders, and endless drinks are certainly nothing to complain about. The food we brought back to our room each night wasn't what my waistline needed, but who the hell cares :)

More coming soon...

Bahamas Recap Part 1...

2010-05-24T09:20:00.002-04:00

While typing this post out yesterday, my internet dropped and I didn't have the patience to play round with it. So I finished typing this morning and will add the rest of the pics later (ETA: pics are up):

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I don't know if I ever discussed this before, but mornings and I are not the best of friends. I am much more of a night owl. So, when we booked our trip and realized that our flight was at 6am I knew it was going to be in an interesting morning.

After work on Friday I still had some errands to run before I could go home and finish my packing and list checking. And before I could complete some of those errands, we had to stop and see Miss Leah and wish her a very happy first birthday. We were sad to be missing her party the next day, but were so happy to be be able to see her and give her our gifts on her actual birthday. After leaving there we still wanted to stop and see each of our moms and wish them a happy Mother's Day since we wouldn't be ale to spend the actual day with them. So, by the time all was said and done, it was pretty close to 11pm.

I ended up taking what we will justify as a nap. Seriously. I packed, checked my list, showered, napped for about 45 minutes and then got moving again. How I was able to function for the entire day is beyond me, but we'll go with the excitement of getting away.

Our flight from Philly to Miami was easy and uneventful. Our over five hour layover in Miami blew. There is nothing to do in that airport, no fun shops, no fun restaurants, nothing. After wandering aimlessly for awhile we decided to give up searching for something to help with the time. Napping was also out of the question, but my laptop was a lifesaver. We found a corner and watched a movie. Then we found our way to our terminal and waited out the remainder of the layover there.

While I jumped out of a tin can when I skydived a few years ago, this was Joel's first time on a small plane. It was a quick flight, just over an hour, but we were seated right on the propeller so it was a bit of a noisy ride.

But, my God, was the view amazing!

Landind at the Exuma/Georgetown Aiport was a little comical. To say it was small is saying a lot. The plane had to do a u-turn at the end of the runway to complete our landing kind of small. Baggage claim was a half garage door where bags were tossed in kind of small.

Side note: While waiting to go through customs, I decided to make a stop in the ladies room. AF decided this was the perefct time to make an appearance. Mother.F'er. I mean seriously? Do I have awesome luck or what? But we were in the Bahamas! And I wasn't going to let this ruin anything!

Sandal.s provides transporation as part of their package, but our TA arranged for a specific driver to take care of us. Dr. K was pretty cool. He gave us a tour of the island, told us where to check out, and talked about some of the local lore. It was a quick ride, but having him share the island with us made us even more excited about our stay...

I'll leave this recap here and be back with the dish on the resort hopefully later tonight :)

Coming soon...

2010-05-19T19:54:00.000-04:00

Construction...

2010-05-18T09:02:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the silence around here lately, but I'm back from the Bahamas and looking to get back into the swing of things :)

First thing on the list is a bit of a blog make-over, so please bare with me during the construction process.

And of course, a trip recap is in the works as well!

NIAW...

2010-04-25T23:06:00.000-04:00

The debate over who to tell is one I battle over constantly. While I feel that it is very important for people to understand infertility, I also don't want to force the issue upon anyone. It saddens me that there is such a stigma attached to infertility. It is not a life style choice, but some people have such preconceived notions about it that cracking that surface takes a sledge hammer.

While our families and friends do know where we have found ourselves, I am certain that it is not easy for them to really understand it all. Little by little I have started to open up and find myself answering more and more questions in an effort to shed some light on the topic. For those on the infertility road, are you "out" to those close to you?

April 24th - May 1st is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). It is a movement to create awareness about the disease of infertility which affects 7.3 million Americans (www.resolve.org). Resolve is an amazing resource for anyone struggling with infertility, as well as those who have friends and/or loved ones making their way though the thick of it. If you haven't heard of it, check it out.

Another great place to read up on some "Infertility Etiquette" is this blog.

And thanks to the prompting of the lovely Dandelion Bud over at Bloomin Babies, I worked up the courage to make this today's fb status: "Because 1 in 8 is someone you know. www.resolve.org/takecharge"

Thank you for all of the love and support that you have shown me over this past year. I hope that I can pay forward all the kindness this community has shown me.

"Awareness is empowering..." Rita Wilson

Jack...

2010-04-24T14:51:00.000-04:00

You know all those stereotypes about little boys? Well, when it comes to my youngest nephew Jack, they are all true. He's tough. He's ballsy. He pushes you to the edge of your breaking point and then melts your heart with a smile or a hug. An afternoon at the park brought us these...

The devilish smile that is just about always up to no good.

His love for a dog who should be granted sainthood for all he endures.

He is a handful to say the least, but you can't help but love him all up :)

Happy ICLW...

2010-04-21T09:23:00.000-04:00

Hello All and welcome to the latest addition of ICLW!

You can read a bit about me and a summary of our TTC history over to your right.

As for this blog? Well, its filled with randomness. From documenting our cycles, to laying down the emotions of the IF rollercoaster, with a little bit of my new hobby of capturing the littles in my life on film... yep, welcome to crazy town.

Thank you for stopping by and listening to my ramblings... I look forward to getting to know all of you :)

Happy ICLW!

Demons...

2010-04-20T21:10:00.003-04:00

It was tough for me to decide to post this, but I figure it is important to be honest, to share, to learn, to grow...

I struggled with anxiety and a bit of depression for quite some time, especially while I was in college. Over the years, with a lot of love and support, I learned how to handle it and keep the panic to a minimum. Recently though, I can feel some of those old demons trying to make their way back into my life. The heart flutters, the loss of breath, the shakes, the omg I need to get out of this room/store/whatever right now. I can feel the ugly seeping in and sometimes it can be tough to shake it. It frustrates me to no end because while there are of course certain triggers that can set it off, it is often for no reason at all.

Of course I know that some of this is the result of our failed cycle and the general road of infertility. I don't know that I will every fully release all of that pain. But, I know that it is ok to hurt... to have bad days. The good days most certainly outweigh the bad but good God, why do those bad ones feel like they might never end?

When I find myself in those moments where my grip on control is loosening, I am forced to take a deep breath and remember that I am not alone. That I will not let the panic win. That I am strong. That I am blessed. Is it easy? No. Does it always work? No. Is it worth the battle? Hell yes.

"Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength..." August Wilson

Lil Miss Leah...

2010-04-13T21:52:00.002-04:00

There are so many adorable children in my life and being able to share in their adorableness warms my heart especially on the darkest of days. I went to visit my niece last week and with camera in hand I sat myself on the floor with her to drink in the love.

(Lil Miss Leah is happy and chubby and wonderfully perfect.)

(She so wanted to get her chubby hands on my camera...)

(And how can you not love a lil girl who has already mastered the art of the "side-eye"...)

Batsto...

2010-04-11T23:07:00.000-04:00

Some days, when there is finally a break in the craziness, we find ourselves jumping in the car, rolling down the windows, and driving aimlessly until something attracts our interest. A few weekends ago, our wandering led us out to Batsto. It was a beautiful day and it was great to breath in the fresh air and take in a bit of history.

With the weather finally breaking and the warm weather renewing my spirit, we have been spending a lot more time outdoors... which in turn has limited my time online. But, after finally uploading the million pictures on my camera, I figured it was time to do some catching up around here. I hope to get some more posts up this week :)

Slacker...

2010-03-30T10:50:00.001-04:00

I have real been a blogging slacker this month! But I think the break from the internet did me some good. My head is clearer and I don't feel so bleh anymore. I have been keeping myself busy and drinking up the happy that can be found all around me. While one prayer is temporarily unanswered, there really is so much in my life that I am blessed to have and I have been trying to remind myself of that every day. I will try to post some pics later today of some of those happy moments.

In other good news, I have lost 7.6 lbs! I am in shock that this is working and so trying to keep it up (er, down?) and not jinx myself. Clothes are starting to fit me again, I feel better, and gym time together has been great for Joel (Mr) and me. We push each other and I know I wouldn't be trying quite as hard if he weren't there to kick my ass along, lol.

So, while things certainly have not gone according to plan, I am getting through and know that I will be ok...

Picture Day...

2010-03-16T11:27:00.000-04:00

I figured I would try to make one day a week Picture Day... so, why not Tuesday :)

You will start to see that most of my pics are of the same kids over and over. My nephews and nieces are pretty damn cute if I do say so myself, so I can't help but to take a ton of pics of them all.

Today's pic is of Miss Peyton. She is one of the happiest babies I have ever met, but this picture is simply priceless...

I got a nice snotty snuggle after this shot.

Ironic...

2010-03-11T15:52:00.000-05:00

Mr surprised me with a camera on Christmas, and up until recently I hadn't really been putting it to good use. Since I am no longer busy shooting myself up, I have found myself shooting tons of pictures. And the ironic thing is that most of the pictures are of my family/friends' children. As much as I ache for a child of my own, I find such joy in capturing moments in the lives of the little ones that are in my life.

I have always loved photography and now that I am finally learning the ins and outs of it I am finding it as a great therapy tool. Who knows, maybe one day I will even make something of it.

I know that for some people navigating their way through IF, seeing pictures of babies/children is not easy. So, I just wanted to throw out a warning to those who read my blog that I will be posting pics over the coming weeks of my view from behind the lens. I do hope that you continue to read and that seeing these adorable faces brings a smile to you...

Needed a break...

2010-03-04T11:19:00.000-05:00

Sorry I have been such a bad blogger... I just kind of needed a break.

So, where to begin. We had our wtf appointment last week. Dr. B said she thinks it was just plain ole shit luck. The quality of our embies is good and Mr's sample was acually improved over his last SA which was wonderful to hear.
We are free to move forward with the FET whenever we are ready and she thinks that having less meds in my body with the FET may increase our odds a bit since my hormones were all over the place with the fresh cycle.

She also recommended I have an SHG for shitandgiggles just to be sure there wasn't something lurking up in my business that we hadn't caught before. I had this done on Tuesday and everything looks good.

Even though we have the all clear, we are not ready to move forward yet. I took this bfn really hard and I need some time to heal. My heart hurts and the rest of me is numb. Some days its easier to just ignore it all, and then other days I am so proud of myself for keeping my head up and moving on.

And then last night I finally had a conversation that I knew was coming, but nevertheless stung quite a bit. My friend P, who I have written about before, is now pregnant. I know that it was difficult for her to tell me and I hate that because she so deserves to be happy. I am 100% thrilled for her, I am just so sad for me. She is about 4 weeks ahead of where I would be had our cycle worked.

I'm trying to move past all the ugly and clear my head of all the what-ifs, but I know that this healing is going to take time...

Bahamas...

2010-02-23T14:55:00.000-05:00

We need to get away. We had a pretty good idea of where we wanted to go, and after speaking with our TA our thoughts were confirmed. Our vacation has been booked! Bahamas here we come :)

Come May, we will spend 8 days/7 nights here. I cannot wait! We visited their resort in Antigua last year and absolutely loved it. While I would have went back to the same resort again in a heartbeat, we figured we would try out something new. We just want to be away from it all and not have to think about anything.

And vacation equals bathing suit so, Mr and I have gotten into a pretty good routine at the gym. Who better to kick your ass into shape than your husband? I'm sore as hell and loving it :) I am also easing myself back into running as I know that for me, that is what will really help me get to where I want to be. My SIL wants me to do this with her the week before we leave. I'm pretty confident I can be ready for it and it gives me another goal to strive towards.

Moving forward...

2010-02-22T11:56:00.003-05:00

I've started several posts since last week, but ended up deleting them all. My thoughts are so chaotic and random that I don't know how to get them all out. This morning I figure that getting some of it out has to be better than letting it all swim around in my head. Moving forward has to be better than this standing still.

I don't want to be all melodramatic about this not working, but after waiting so long for this chance I can't help it. And the fact that our snowbabies are likely our last hope doesn't help that either. But then, I don't want to talk about it because I am angry and bitter and sad and well, empty.

I don't want to hear that it happened for a reason or that our time will come. I don't want your offers of carrying a baby for us or that of using your husbands sperm. Yes, I'm serious - it has been offered on more than one occasion in the last week.

What I do want is to have control over something. So, Mr and I started back at the gym this last week. I would like to lose twenty more lbs before we leave for our trip. I am already down four since the beginning of our cycle... most of that was probably just bloat which is why it came off so fast, but I'll take it lol. It is going to take some time for me to get back into the swing of things, but I feel like this time around is different. I know what I need to do to lose weight and think that I am finally in the right mind set to make it happen. If I can't be pregnant, I can at least be healthy and look good. I have not been happy with my body for some time now, and know that I need to take charge before it gets out of control. Not to mention, I want to look awesome in a bathing suit for our trip :)

We have also decided to get moving with some more house projects. We have the guest room about 90% done so that is first on our list. It only needs a few minor things so I hope to have it finished with-in the next week or so.

I am also meeting up with a friend tomorrow who is an amazing photographer. He is going to give me some pointers with my new camera and I am so looking forward to it.

I am happy to have found some things to occupy my thoughts and keep me moving forward. I will not let this consume me, but some days sure are tough.

Beta...

2010-02-17T09:57:00.000-05:00

Yesterday's beta confirmed that this wasn't our cycle.

Waiting for that call was pure torture. We decided that since we had already tested, I would just take the call whenever it came. It came while I was home for lunch. Mr was on his way home from work, so I just waited for him, I wanted to tell him - not call him. Well, the look on my face when he walked in the door was all it took. He held me while I cried and with the words, "We have each other and that is all we need," I knew that he was right. While my heart does ache and I know I will likely shed more tears over the coming days, we will be ok.

We do have five snowbabies that I am grateful for. But we are not ready to head into a FET just yet. I think we need some time to heal and clear our heads. And, we had agreed before this all started that our cycles would be limited, so in all reality - the FET could be our last shot. That terrifies me.

So, for now we are trying to keep our heads up. We have decided that a vacation is in order so planning that will give me something to focus on.

I came across this quote today and I think it fits nicely..."Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light..."

10dp3dt...

2010-02-14T21:26:00.000-05:00

10dp3dt = 10 days post 3 day transfer = 13 past O = 2 days until beta = we changed our minds and tested today...

It was negative. Stark white. Not a glimmer of a second line in sight.

My breath was instantly taken away. I was hysterical within seconds. Mr just held me, while the saddened look in his eyes forced my ugly sobs to worsen. His whispers that it isn't over just yet helped the tears to subside for moments at a time. But throughout the day, I found myself wiping the wet from my face, after not even realizing that I had been crying again in the first place.

After showering and another round of ugly, I got dressed and was led out the door by my love. It is after all, Valentine's Day. While it wasn't the kind of day that we had dreamed of, we made the most of it. By keeping me out of the house all day I wasn't able to wallow in the heartbreak and was forced to remember that with Mr by my side I will always be ok.

Walking hand in hand with my love through Olde City Philly, with the cold wind in our faces and snow covered history all around us was the perfect remedy for our heavy hearts.

We are trying to hold on to hope and praying for a miracle come Tuesday's beta. I know that it isn't over just yet, but it is so hard to see that light through this current haze of downright fear.

7dp3dt...

2010-02-11T13:11:00.001-05:00

7dp3dt = 7 days post 3 day transfer = 10 past O = 5 days until beta = hello crazy, its nice to meet you...

In the past week, I have only been out of the house three times. Transfer was last Thursday, so I took it easy that day and the next. Friday into Saturday we were slammed with snow (we got about two feet). Sunday we went to my brothers for a bit for the Super Bowl but only stayed for the first half since Mr needed to get to bed (he works at 3am). Monday and Tuesday I was back to the grind, but then Tuesday night and all of Wednesday we were hit with even more snow which, while its awesome to not be working - its a little less awesome to be snowed in alone all day when you are in the throws of the 2ww.

Honestly, I have no desire to POAS, well yet anyway... the plan is to hold out and wait for beta, but we will see what happens over the weekend. But being alone with your thoughts and the internet all day do not a sane person make.

Now, lets talk about Endome.trin and Prometri.um for a second. While I embrace it for the cushy goodness they are to provide for my ute, I would also like to dish them a big screw you for the mindfuck it provides as far as symptoms go. The side effects of these lovely drugs are also those found in early pregnancy. So, while my boobs are so f-ing sore that I have only taken my bra off to shower and get changed in the past few days, I am only taking it for what it is right now - a result of the drugs. I don't want to make myself nuts by playing into symptoms and looking for some kind of sign.

And I am trying not to get my hopes up too much either, because there is no guarantee. But it is so hard not to be hopeful and smile at the thought of this being it.

Last night I asked Mr if he wants me to take the beta call when it comes or have them leave a voicemail and listen together. He said he wasn't sure, but the huge smile on his face made be believe that he wants to find out together. I am thinking that I will ask for a callback after 4 so that we will both be home and can answer the call and speak to the nurse. Even though I am sure the results will be in well before that, what's a few hours more of waiting so that we can be together to get the news that could change our lives forever?...

Beautiful Blogger Award...

2010-02-08T22:26:00.002-05:00

A huge thank you is in order for Lindsey over at My IVF Reality. She has nominated yours truly for The Beautiful Blogger Award! Yay!

Lindsey has had a difficult journey through infertility, but after after countless treatments, 2 ivfs, and the loss of three sweet angels... she is now due in September! I am beyond grateful for all of the support she has shown to me through my own ivf process. So march on over to her site and follow along on her journey to being a Mom :)

So, here are the rules one needs to follow as a recipient of the Beautiful Blogger Award:

* Thank the person who nominated you (see above)
* Copy the award and paste it to my blog (check)
* Tell 7 interesting facts about your self

1) I have an irrational fear of mice... especially white mice, for no known reason other than they creep.me.out. ::shudder::

2) I have never drank a cup of coffee. I have tried sips on several occasions, but it just doesn't do it for me.

3) I am a serious clutz. I could trip standing still lol. Mr calls me his ballerina.

4) I despise celery. The smell alone makes me gag.

5) I chew the inside of my cheek when I am nervous/anxious/stressed/etc.

6) I have some feet issues. I don't want to see yours, nor have them touch me, and I absolutely do not want you to touch my feet.

7) I love taking pictures but hate being in them. (I've been having a ton of fun shooting with the new camera Mr got me for Christmas!)

* And lastly, nominate 3 fellow bloggers:

Shanny over at I did, I do, I will is currently in her ivf 2ww

Danielle at Making a lil Redhead is celebrating her bfp from ivf #2!

The lovely Cyndi whose blog is private but absolutely deserves this award :)

So, there ya have it! Thanks again Lindsey!

1dp3dt...

2010-02-06T00:34:00.002-05:00

1dp3dt = 1 day post 3 day transfer = 4 days past O = 11 days till beta = the madness has begun :)

The transfer yesterday couldn't have gone smoother. We walked into the office at exactly 9am. The nurse was actually waiting for us (shocking I know). She skipped us up the line (office was crazy busy yesterday!) and brought us right back. I got changed, swallowed the valium and was in the stirrups with the quickness.

The embryologist came in to give us an update of our embabies. Of the four that were not frozen immediately, all were still growing! One was a bit behind and may end up being an abnormal, but we decided to keep it for now and see what happens. So, that leaves us with 5 snowbabies for future use - yay! She also gave us a picture of the two we would be transferring... 1-7cell and 1-6cell. The picture quality isn't the best, as it is a picture of a picture, but here they are :)

Mr held my hand and got to finally see the inner happenings of the RE office. He had us all laughing during the procedure with this gem, "So, this is all I had to do to knock her up?"

After staying reclined for about a 1/2 our, we were on our way with instructions of bedrest for two days. Mr has taken this instruction much more strictly than I, so I am taking advantage of the TLC and enjoying being spoiled. He has been amazing.

So, now we wait. I go for my beta draw on Tuesday 2/16.

Keep fighting and growing little ones - we love you already...

ER update...

2010-02-03T21:34:00.002-05:00

I've been crazy busy since Monday so I haven't had a chance to get on here and give an ER update.

Our ER was scheduled for 1245pm on Monday. I don't think they finally knocked me out till close to 2. I woke up with some pain, but the nurse added some pain meds to my IV and the pain changed to more of a cramping pretty quickly. They let us know that they retrieved 14 eggs and sent us on our way.

14. While I know it is a great number, I was honestly a little disappointed. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled for what we have, but I was showing so many follies on my scans... what happened? I know Dr B was afraid of over-stimming me, but I don't know... it is what it it at this point. I don't mean that to sound ungrateful.

I threw up the whole ride home. Mr was a serious trooper, I know it couldn't have been easy to drive while listening to me. I also developed a bit of a fever, but after laying in bed most of the day I was finally feeling human again.

Overall, I feel pretty good. I have been chugging gatorade like a champ and just taking it easy. I actually managed to lose a pound or two, but you wouldn't know by looking at me. I seriously look about 5 months pregnant. The bloat is insane. I'll have to get a pic up.

Tuesdays Fert Report let us know that 9 of the 14 were mature. With the help of ICSI, 7 of those fertilized. It was decided to freeze 3 immediately and have the other 4 fight their way to the top spots :)

As of 9am this morning, we had 1-2cell and 3-3cell embies growing.

Our transfer is scheduled for 930am tomorrow and we have decided to transfer 2. So, in the meantime, I'll continue to pray that we have 4 rockstars doing their thing right now... grow embies, grow... Momma wants to meet you :)

Triggering...

2010-01-30T17:56:00.000-05:00

I will be triggering at 245am for a 1245pm Monday retrieval!

I stopped taking so many notes on what the numbers of my cycle were. They were only stressing me out... I figure if there were a problem they would let me know. So, I just went with the flow the past few days and after today's monitoring appointment I finally got the call about my trigger.

I'm anxious and excited and just ready :)

Catch up...

2010-01-26T15:53:00.000-05:00

Today's scan showed a few lead follies at around 17 and there are a bunch of smaller guys that are trying to catch up.

Bloods:
E2: (1215)
P4: (1.6)
LH: (11)
FSH: (4)

I'll be adding back in 75IU of bravelle and menopur tonight, sticking with the 5 units of lupron in the am and going back for another u/s and more b/w tomorrow.

I asked for a guesstimate of when I would be triggering and she said it could be Thursday with retrieval Saturday, but of course we won't know until tomorrow's results are in.

So, now I'm sitting in my office with my pants un-buttoned, praying no one walks in. I was fine all morning but this afternoon the bloat came out of no where. I'm thinking some comfy pants may be in order for the next few days if this keeps up.

Coasting...

2010-01-25T15:58:00.000-05:00

After 7 nights of stims, here's where we stand...

Still looking like "a lot" of follicles. The lead is a 15 and the others aren't too far behind. Seems like the majority are 12s with some 11,13,14s mixed in.

As for bloods:
E2: (1485)
P4: (1.3)
LH: (3)
FSH: (5)

Dr B is afraid of over-stimming me so I was told to not take any stims tonight but to continue with the 5 units of Lupron in the am and to come back tomorrow for repeat u/s and b/w.

Does anyone have any experience with coasting? I don't know why, but it makes me nervous.

Progress...

2010-01-23T17:30:00.000-05:00

My second follie scan was this morning. As the tech did her thing with the dildocam, she laughed and said "Wow, you sure are going to keep us busy." Looks like I have at least 25 follies doing their thing in there (with some additional small guys that probably won't do much). The lead is at about 12 with some 10s close behind. So, we are definitely making some progress :)

As far as my bloods go:
E2: (1070)
P4: (0.8)
LH: (9)
FSH: (8)

I am to continue with the 5units of Lupron and reduce my stims to just 75IU of Bravelle. I go back Monday morning for my next scan.

First Follie Scan...

2010-01-21T14:50:00.003-05:00

This morning was my first follie scan. The tech didn't offer up too much info other than I have a "ton" of follies. The biggest are measuring around 6 or 7.

The nurse just called with my blood results and went way too quick for me to ask any questions:
E2: (465)
P4: (0.9)
LH: (9)
FSH: (9)
She said to continue on 5units of lupron and 150IU of bravelle but to decrease to 75IU of menupor.

I go in on Saturday for my next scan.

Change...

2010-01-20T22:20:00.000-05:00

Its day 3 (or I guess night) of stims and so far, so good. Yeah, it still takes me a bit longer than I would like to mix up the four vials of meds but each night goes a little smoother than the previous one.

I really had myself worked up that first night. I sat with the needle in my hand for a good twenty minutes before I finally shoved it into my thigh. I don't know that I was necessarily scared of the needle itself considering that I have been shooting Lupron for the past however many days, but beginning stims made it just a little more real. This cycle is really happening. I am developing the follies that could/should/will produce our future children.

Everyone warns you of the emotional toll that IF and ivf can take on you, and even though you know the stress is coming I honestly don't think that you can really 100% prepare yourself for how it will hit you. In the pit of my stomach is a ball of excitement, nerves, and scared shitlessness. And I know that is normal and I knew that it was coming, but for it to actually be here - right now - is another matter.

I think that part of it stems from the wait that we had. We have known for a little over a year that ivf would be the road we had to travel, but for a million reasons it just wasn't the right time then. I know that that was the right decision and that overall we needed that wait but, the waiting and waiting and not being able to do anything just plain sucked. I felt helpless and useless at times. Some days it was hard to find myself amongst all the crazy. I was scared of what was to come.

IF changes you... it does not control you (although it can if you let it), but it absolutely changes you.

You see the world differently.
You hear people differently.
Your thought process changes.
Your sex life changes.
Your eating/drinking habits change.
Your schedule now revolves around blood runs and dildocam visits.
Your emotions are controlled by an abundance of hormones.
The list goes on and on and then on some more.

I recently found this quote by Rosanne Cash that seems fitting, "The key to change... is to let go of fear."

So, I am attempting to kick fear out the door (or at least hide it in the closet for a bit). I'm trying hope on for size... I'll let you know how it fits ;)

Stims...

2010-01-18T19:44:00.002-05:00

I went for my baseline this morning and have been staring at the phone all day willing it to ring. It finally did about a 1/2 hour ago.

Blood-work and ultrasound came back ok sooo... I am starting stims tonight!

holy.shit.

I will start 150IU of Bravelle & 150IU Menupor tonight and reduce my Lupron to 5 units in the am.

I am admittedly bugging out just a little bit. Yes, I knew this would be happening but its here - today - right now. o.m.g.

:::deep breaths:::

ETA: I did it! It took a time little to work up my nerve, but it was sooo much easier than I had anticipated :)

No real exciting updates...

2010-01-13T22:16:00.000-05:00

No real exciting updates...

I took my last bcp tonight! werd.

I will continue with the Lupron and am happy to say that it is going ok. It has made me extremely tired, but other than that I haven't had any real bad side effects. I did have one bad go around with the needle, but I think it was just a matter of being too close my last injection site... lesson learned.

Hopefully AF shows soon so that I get the all clear to start stims when I go for b/w & u/s on Monday.

Morning...

2010-01-09T14:38:00.001-05:00

I am sooo not a morning person. I seriously set four alarms during the week and manage to still hit snooze for about a half hour. Its sad, but its the truth. Weekends are awesome for the simple fact of no alarms. I can sleep in and wake up whenever the hell I feel like rolling out of bed.

But, seeing as my first injection day fell on a Saturday, I knew that I was going to have to set my alarm so that I could keep my "shot times" the same for each day. I was worried that I would turn it off or sleep through it, but I guess my nerves took over this morning since I jumped up as soon as the alarm rang.

I made Mr get up with me because I was a little nervous about sticking myself for the first time but... it was so freakin easy! What a huge sigh of relief! We actually high-fived after I did it... yeah, I know, we are dorks.

Mr followed the shot up by surprising me with breakfast in bed... he is a wise man who knows that chocolate-chip pancakes make everything better :)

Meds...

2010-01-09T01:28:00.001-05:00

Since tomorrow kicks off the start of my injectables, I figured it was time for the standard ivf meds pic...

And remember the case of the missing needles/syringes? Well, I think I am good to go now...

Good times ahead ;)

Saturday...

2010-01-07T22:54:00.005-05:00

Guess who gets to start shooting up Lupron on Saturday?

Me!!!

Weddingpalooza 2010

2010-01-06T20:26:00.003-05:00

With the receipt of our first 2010 wedding invitation today, Weddingpalooza 2010 has officially begun... as if all of the 5 weddings last year (two of which I was in) weren't enough of a drain on our bank account!

Its only January and I am already aware of 6 weddings for the year:

March - cousin in Key West (yay for vacation!)
April - Mr's cousin
April - college friend (we are unfortunately declining)
May - friend's wedding
June - cousin in Ocean City, MD (yay for 2nd vacation)
October - another cousin

aaand I know of at least one more that will probably be set for sometime in September... fml

Rare sighting...

2010-01-04T23:35:00.004-05:00

There was a rare sighting at the RE today... a couple laughing in the waiting room.

Mr and I met at the office today for our injects class and while we waited to be called back we sat and talked and joked and laughed (we were the only ones in the waiting area so we weren't bothering anyone). At one point a few of the nurses heard part of our conversation and joined in on the laughs.

Anytime I go to the RE it is such a quiet place. But today, for the first time in awhile, I was able to take a deep breath and smile. While our situation blows, it is not the end of the world and it has taught us so much about ourselves and each other. We have grown as individuals and even more importantly as a couple.

The visit continued to keep my spirits up. I have talked to a few of the IVF nurses on the phone, but today was the first time that I got to meet one in person. The nurse we had for our injects class today was awesome to say the least. She seemed genuinely excited for us and put us at ease immediately.

I could be shooting myself up with Lupron by next week. Next week! Holy shit. After a year of not being able to do anything, we are finally moving forward.

We have a few unanswered questions that need attention, but with a little luck and a lot of prayers, things will fall into place...

New Years Day...

2010-01-01T23:38:00.004-05:00

While I have always lived in South Jersey, my entire family is from South Philly and the majority of my extended family still lives there. South Philly is home to the Mummers, and for this, New Years Day is probably my favorite holiday. You can read a little about their history here.

There really are no words to explain the mayhem... men in dresses and sequins, lots of make-up, umbrellas, and tons of music. So to share the craziness with those of you who have never witnessed the madness, I hit 2-street today with my trusty new camera in hand. I forgot my slave flash and the lighting on the street at night wasn't the best, so I didn't get many pics of the String Bands but I got plenty of the Comics who will give you a great idea of the feel of the day.

Its amazing how things change of the course of a few hours...

Its pure chaos and you really can't understand nor appreciate it unless you are there, but trust me when I say, its a lot of fun. Hope you enjoyed :)

I also took a ton of great pics of my nephews and littlest cousins today and hopefully I will have time to post some of the adorableness later...

2009...

2009-12-31T22:01:00.004-05:00

While, things surely could have been a lot better this year, I really do have a lot to be thankful for. Courtesy of fb, here are a few of my favorite moments from 2009...

I'm looking forward to the new year and new beginnings. Happy New Year everyone! Wishing you all "positive" things ;) xo

Blonde Moment...

2009-12-30T21:13:00.004-05:00

Last night I decided to go thru my meds yet again, I have been thru them at least a dozen times, and had a major blonde moment... yes, you can laugh at me.

I have no syringes!!! Well, the Lupron has them in its box, but as for the Menopur and Bravelle - nada - just the Q-caps. I totally wasn't thinking. My meds were donated (I can never say thank you enough!!!) so syringes/needles are something I have to get.

I know it won't be an issue, I will call my clinic in the am, but hello... common sense Jam...

This three-day weekend couldn't have come at a better time :)

Injects Class..

2009-12-29T14:30:00.000-05:00

I just got off the phone with the ivf nurse and we are officially scheduled for our injects class. Next Monday at 2 we will learn the ins and outs of shooting me up. I will be doing the Long Lupron Protocol with Bravelle and Menopur. My box of meds has been sitting patiently at home waiting to be put to use.

Mr is getting a major kick out of this. He thinks its hysterical that he gets to "stab me in the ass." Sweet isnt he?

For the first few shots I'm thinking I will definitely want his assistance. But I am hoping that after the initial shock of having to stick my body with several needles a day, I will be able to administer them myself without any problems.

I am looking forward to the class as it is another step towards making our dreams a reality :)

My Stomach...

2009-12-28T20:29:00.001-05:00

Since starting bcp's my stomach hasn't been the same. I don't know if it is the pills themselves or my nerves or what... but something is up.

I'm not hungry. I have been forcing myself to eat, but after a few bites I am literally forcing it. Even just trying to snack on small things doesn't seem to be working. And then I get nauseous or I get heartburn. Super fun.

This is a good and bad thing all rolled into one. Bad for the obvious... I need to eat. Good because, well Fatty McFattass here needs to lose a few lbs ;)

Recap...

2009-12-28T14:40:00.000-05:00

Its amazing how quickly the holiday flew by. So... for a quick recap...

Christmas was wonderful. The time spent with our families was great. We shared a lot of laughs, exchanged some great gifts, and ate way too much food :) My youngest nephew is four, so he was a joy to watch this year. He was so excited about everything and it helped keep my spirits up.

As for the awesome gift that Mr was hinting towards?... Meet my new love :)

It is perfect. I recently discovered how much I really love photography and am actually (dare I say it) pretty good for just beginning. I am so looking forward to learning more and putting this camera to good use :)

Internetless...

2009-12-27T21:56:00.000-05:00

I have been without internet since Wednesday... talk about withdraw! So, this leaves me with lots of catching up to do. Updates will follow shortly.

Hoping everyone had an amazing holiday :)

Congestion...

2009-12-23T22:36:00.000-05:00

From a cold, to the flu, to several bouts with bronchitis that sent this asthmatic to the ER... it never fails, I have been sick for Christmas every year, for as long as I can remember. No matter what precautions I have taken, this time of year always seems to kick my ass in the health department.

Mr was sick last week and I really thought that I had beat it. His cold or whatever it was, was not going to get me. I should have known better.

It totally blindsided me yesterday. This congestion is awful, I would like nothing more than to drill a hole into my sinuses. I have taken more cold medicine in the past 24 hours than is probably recommended, but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

I have a hot date with a shot of N.yquil tonight and am hoping tomorrow I am able to once again breathe out of my nose.

I will not be sick for Christmas!

Black hole...

2009-12-21T21:35:00.000-05:00

Target, well... its like a black hole. You go in for shampoo and 2 hours and a hundred bucks later you wonder what the hell you just bought.

I went a little nuts there today. I went to pick up something that I had been meaning to get for my niece, and came home with several things for her and more items for each of my three nephews.

And as I showed Mr all of the things that I just had to get for them, I realized that I had to have these gifts because buying for them and making them happy, makes not having a child of my own a little less painful right now.

I know that Christmas Eve and Day are going to be a bit tougher than I have prepared myself for, but seeing the joy on my nephews' and niece's faces will help, even if just a little, to heal the ache...

bcp...

2009-12-20T18:25:00.002-05:00

Took my first pill tonight...

This show is officially on the road :)

Gift giving..

2009-12-18T11:52:00.001-05:00

Christmas was always such a happy time growing up and I think my parents love for the holiday really rubbed off on me. Christmas music was always playing... my moms decorating is magazine worthy... the cookies and food... the wonder of it all!

And thinking of all those happy moments has really helped me keep my head up this holiday season. I have been driving Mr nuts with my endless Christmas music collection... our tree was up extra early... and the gifts that have already been purchased are wrapped and waiting under the tree.

I LOVE gift giving! I love finding the perfect something for those special someones in our lives and seeing their joy when they open said gifts makes me giddy. And wrapping - I love that too! Pretty paper, fancy ribbon, fun! Yes, I am a dork

I take it upon myself to do all of the shopping for Mr and myself (he gets frustrated too easily). I buy for both familes and he, well... he just has to buy for me. Now, One would think that buying for one person would be a whole lot easier than buying for two whole familes... but sadly, One would be wrong. He usually repeatedly asks what I would want, and I tell him I really don't care (because I honestly don't) and that he can figure something out on his own.

So, imagine my surprise when this morning he sends me an excited text that he found my Christmas gift! I haven't made any suggestions, my man-child did it all on his own!

We were going to do a small Christmas this year. With the cycle drawing near and talks of planning a vacation, we thought it best to keep it small. But aparently he changed his mind. I assumed that since it was a "larger" gift that it would be for both of us, but he swears its just for me...

So now, I am going nuts trying to figure out what it could possibly be! I don't do well with surprises... well I love surprises but not the kind that you know are coming... does that make sense?

Well, I'm off to finish our shopping! Wish me luck - I know its going to be nuts out there :)

Hallelujah!..

2009-12-15T12:01:00.000-05:00

AF is finally here! (with some wicked cramps)... After a 108 day cycle I am so excited...

And this means that I can start bcp's come Sunday!

Only on this crazy rollercoaster would someone be happy to be getting their period and starting bcp's!

Yay - this show is finally going somewhere :)

The Talk...

2009-12-07T14:17:00.000-05:00

We finally had "the talk" this weekend.

It took everything in me to stay calm and quiet and just give him some time to process it all. I know that he needed to get his thoughts straight and since he isn't a "talk your thoughts out" kind of person, I just rolled with it for a few days.

Saturday night I couldn't hold it any longer and asked if we were going to talk about what happened on Wednesday. He caved and admitted that while he isn't afraid of moving forward with ivf, he is scared of what happens if it doesn't work. I am petrified of this too I assured him.

We agreed that we have to try to say we gave it our all. I will start bcp's whenever AF shows (currently taking Provera). We are undecided as to if we will start cycling at the end of the first pack or if I will continue them for another month, but I am thrilled to say that we will finally be getting this show on the road in either January or February!

Appointment...

2009-12-02T22:55:00.000-05:00

You know that feeling you get in your stomach... the feeling that something just isn't right.... or something has gone wrong? It eats at the pit of your stomach and you sit wondering what it could be. Has something happened and you just haven't heard about it yet?... Did you forget to do something?

I have felt that way for the past few days and couldn't put a finger on what it was. I began to wonder if maybe I was just sick... some kind of bug or something... but after today I am thinking that it really was just one of those "gut" feelings.

I don't really know where to start or what to say.

Our appointment was today. We argued before we left the house. I don't do well with arguments... especially with The Mr. because he is a clam up and not talk about it kind of person. It drives me batty. The argument was about where we are in this whole process, where we see ourselves going, and how fast we are going to get there. This resulted in a silent car ride to the Dr's.

We get there, check in, and are thankfully taken back very quickly. I step on the scale and want to throw up... I have gained 12... 12!!! lbs since my first IVF consult which was in February of this year (gee, ya think I am a stress eater?... I am heavier now than I have ever been). Then, of course my blood pressure is higher than normal because the stress is just building up. The nurse kindly joked that I shouldn't worry about the bp as RE offices aren't really conducive to calm.

It gets better...

We sit down with Dr. B. and begin going over the latest SA results. Things have gotten worse. (For the IF girls, count is around 2 mil, motility 4%, and morph under 1%). She reiterates that IVFw/ICSI is our best bet. She continues that due to the decreasing numbers we should think about doing it sooner rather than later.

And to make this super day even better... I am on CD 96. She ordered some blood work, gave me a Provera.script and a script for bcp's. Regardless of when we want to start IVF, she wants me to start taking them to keep things under some sort of order.

We haven't talked about the appointment at all. Not even a "well that sucks" moment. Its like we never saw the Dr. at all today.

I want to scream. I want to cry. I want The Mr. to just talk to me.

Why does this have to be so difficult?...

Waiting...

2009-11-30T11:31:00.000-05:00

Why is everything IF related all a bunch of hurry up and wait? And I know its only going to get worse once our cycle really starts... waiting to finish bcps... waiting to start injects... waiting to trigger... waiting to transfer... and of course the dreaded two week wait... ugh!

The Mr's repeat SA appointment isn't until 2pm today... since its in the afternoon, we probably won't have the results until tomorrow... so, the waiting continues...

Thanksgiving...

2009-11-27T09:15:00.000-05:00

While nothing seems to have gone as planned this year, I really do have so much to be thankful for. I have the most amazing friends and family who have been nothing short of wonderful. I have an awesome job that has been more than accommodating to all the appointments I have had. And most importantly, I have the best husband a girl could ever ask for!

Hoping everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Men...

2009-11-25T16:09:00.000-05:00

Men! After more pestering from me, The Mr finally scheduled his SA.

He was able to get a Monday afternoon appointment which works out perfectly. We should have the results by Tuesday and Dr. B will have them for our consult Wednesday.

I'm getting excited!

Consult...

2009-11-23T11:31:00.002-05:00

Well, our new consult has been scheduled! (wooo!)

Next Wednesday, December 2nd, we will meet with Dr. B yet again to make a "real" decision.

I am waiting for a call-back right now in regards to the repeat SA. I didn't have it in me to argue with the nurse that we need it before our new consult... she said we would get it done after the consult which totally defeats the purpose of our visit (am I wrong?)... but, anywho, I am waiting for a call from Dr. B to ask if she will please order it for us so that the findings will help us know which direction to go.

If you could please cross your fingers and hope that Dr. B understands what we are trying to accomplish and orders the test for us, I would really appreciate it.

ETA: Dr. B ordered the test! Now I just need The Mr. to actually schedule it :)

Decision...

2009-11-21T14:13:00.000-05:00

We finally talked it out...

Seeing as I am on CD87, it is not very likely that AF is going to show on her own. I was really trying to hold out... to have control over this one last thing... but I am throwing in the towel.

We made the decision that come Monday morning I will call in and schedule an appointment for a new consultation. It has been more than six months since we last spoke to the Dr. and I think that rehashing some aspects of our case will do us both some good. The main thing will be to request a repeat SA. If the results come back for the better, than we will lean towards an IUI cycle... but if there is no change then we will give IVF the green light.

The being in limbo was really starting to wear me down. I was feeling lost. When dealing with IF there are so few things that you are actually in control of and it is easy to lose yourself in the chaos. I feel so much better just knowing that we have a plan.

So, heres to hoping that Monday is finally a step in the right direction...

ICLW...

2009-11-21T12:21:00.000-05:00

To all those visiting via November's ICLW... hello!

A little background... after a dx of PCOS and MFI, we have spent the last few months trying to decide if we should move forward with out first IVF cycle.

I have found this blog to be a great source to vent out my frustrations and try to make some sense of the rambling that chatters in my head.

Sooo... thank you for taking the time to visit and read a little about the world of being jamie lynn.

Girl on Top...

2009-11-19T09:46:00.008-05:00

Catchy, no?... now get your mind out of the gutter!

A friend of mine passed along some info for a Girls Night Out of sorts... I have not read the book (yet), but wanted to pass along the info in case anyone else was interested :)

In promotion of the new book Girl On Top, Nicole Williams, the author has partnered up with The Limited for a night of networking, shopping, and cocktails:
"Meet Nicole and mingle with fellow GOT's when the Girl on Top tour hits your area! We'll be coming to The Limited near you (the perfect place to load up on power suits, pencil skirts, and all your business chic attire), bringing runway shows, private sales, and networking parties along with us! Oh, and cocktails. Lots of ‘em. Don't miss it!"

About the book:
"Congratulations! You’ve just found yourself a book that will actually change your career—one that skips the bullshit and provides relevant, honest advice you can use. (Who cares what color your parachute is, anyway?) In Girl on Top, career expert Nicole Williams takes 20 tried-and-true dating rules you know (and have probably used) such as "Play Hard to Get" and "Don’t Give Away the Milk for Free"—and shows you how to put them to use when the object of your affection is your job. With her ingenious approach—taking the tactics used to land a man and applying them to your career—you’ll be able to handle any work situation and come out on top. Finally, the advice no one else has been willing to tell you, right at your fingertips!"

From the author:
"Just like our tendency is to throw out the rule book and call, and call, and call, and call the super hot dude you can’t help but imagine is “the one,” you’re going to come across the job, the boss, the client you can’t imagine yourself living without, and it’s exactly here where you need play the game. Finding, catching, and building a relationship with a beau simply isn’t so different from finding, catching, and building a relationship with a boss... And for those of you who think you’re above playing games in love or in career, good for you... have fun in the mailroom."
-Nicole Williams, Girl on Top

So, if you live in the Cherry Hill, NJ, Washington DC, or Toronto areas, visit here to sign yourself up for a fun night out!

Meltdown...

2009-11-16T10:30:00.011-05:00

Saturday I woke up to someone knocking on the door. The Mr. was off at a ToysForTots event and I very content to just stay snuggled in bed and ignore the knock... but then they knocked again... and again... so I finally rolled out of bed, threw my hair in a ponytail along the way and opened the door.

I.got.served. Mother effer!

I was in an accident almost 2 years ago (yes, almost... had it been the full 2 then it would have all been over, ugh!). I am just now being asked to testify. The laws of physics easily prove that I was in no way at fault, but that's a story for another day...

I threw out a death look, signed for the papers, closed the door... and burst into tears. Major meltdown ensued. Uncontrollable sobbing, snot faucet, gagging, and eventually a minor asthma attack... it was ugly. I managed to call Mr. who thinks that surely someone must have died for me to be this upset. I blurt out what happened between sobs and continue to whail like its the end of the world... he tried to calm me - this is nothing to be upset over - the lawyers will handle it - I did nothing wrong... but the crying continues.

And it hit me that I am not crying over the papers. The papers were just the thing that pushed me over the edge. All the stress, all the frustration, all the heartache of the past year was finally pouring out. So, I let myself cry it out. I crawled back into bed to watch a movie and cried some more. And then I forced myself into the shower... where I cried a bit more.

I could have easily stayed indoors all day as Saturday continued to be the umpteenth day of rain here, but then my mom called and asked if I was interested in meeting her and my dad at the movies. It was the perfect cure... I would be out of the house but could still sit in the dark and lose myself in someone else's world.

I came out of the movies feeling much better. I know that I can't continue to keep it all in... its not healthy and does me absolutely no good. Mr and I talked through some things later that night and realized that we have both been on the verge and taking it out on each other. While it was an ugly ugly morning, I think I needed that release to wake me up, clean me out, and open me up to a new day...

A funny thing... Sunday we woke up to blue skies and warm weather... the rain had finally passed...

Jealousy...

2009-11-10T12:14:00.002-05:00

In the sad bitter world of IF, we all compare our journeys, whether out loud or in our own minds... from meds, to injectibles, to iui's, to ivf, to donors, to adoption. And whatever stage you are on, you think that someone who is at a "lower" stage couldn't understand the suffering of someone doing more advanced treatments. Jealousy abounds even though it is hardly discussed. Sure, the torture over a friend or family member annoucning their pregnancy is discussed daily... but I am talking about the jealousy we have over one another. Ivfers feel a stab when an iuier gets their positive... iuiers from medicated cycles... etc... "It's not fair, we took those steps too, why didn't we get our positive? Why are we still on this ugly road?"

And then, another blogger (and I am so sorry that I can't remember who) pointed out something along the lines of, where you are in your journey is your own personal low... and that low is just as great no matter what stage you are on.

How very true. Just because someone isn't on the path that I am on, doesn't mean that their journey is an easier to navigate.

I also find that friends and family are sometimes scared to share their joy, because they are afraid of upsetting us bitter bettys. Fellow IF sufferers post their bfp's with a warning so that we are not hurt. They hide their joy for fear of crushing us and well, that just isn't fair to them.

I know that there will always be that odd "moment" when I hear someone else's news, yes I am thrilled for them, but I am also sad for me... but with their happiness comes hope, and hope is always something to be open to...

Guilt...

2009-11-09T10:52:00.002-05:00

There aren't many people who know of our struggle. The few friends that do know have been very supportive. They check in on me without asking too many questions and let me know that I am free to talk about it all if I feel the need, even if all they can offer in return is a shoulder to lean on. I am grateful for this... sometimes saying nothing is the best possible response. Just knowing that they are there is comforting.

One of the first to know was my friend P. I just kind of burst one day... she sat and listened. She didn't offer any advice, she simply said she was sorry and let me know that she would be there whenever needed.

I will however confess that whenever I see her name on my caller ID, I am anticipating the news that she is pregnant. While I would be 100% over the moon for her, I know that my heart would ache a bit for myself. This may seem selfish, but it is honest. So, when P recently called to chat it up, I braced for the news. Life has been hectic for both of us and it has been awhile since we have spoken. I know that she has been TTC and have prepared myself for it... I think I was looking for her news because I could use a little joy in my life - even if that joy is for her and not me.

But... the news didn't come. We talked about husbands, friends, work, our chaotic lives...

Finally I did one of the things I swore I would never do... one of the things I hate when people do to me - I asked (::hand::forehead::)... "So, how are things going in the baby P department?"

My heart dropped with her response... "We were pregnant but lost the baby."

And I couldn't stop the guilt from rising. Here I am so concerned about myself and my own feelings, when one of my dearest friends is suffering just as much. P, I am so sorry... sorry for your loss, for your heartbreak, for my foot-in-mouth comment... I of all people should know better.We all need to remind ourselves that just because someone doesn't understand our situation, doesn't mean that their griefs are any less important.

We all suffer... me from IF, P from her loss, you for any number of reasons... and no one's suffering is greater than anyone else's because our individual hurts are ours to bear... and while we are feeling the pain we can't imagine that anyone else could be feeling as low as we do. But, they can... and sadly they do.

Torn...

2009-11-03T16:08:00.001-05:00

I previously wrote about how we decided to put off "the big cycle" because we had so much going on this year. Whenever AF decides to show is when we are supposed to get this show on the road.

Through the waiting game that we have played over the past few months, I have found that while I am more and more ready, Mr seems to be less and less ready. I am so torn as to what to do.

I have used these off months to gather my thoughts and prepare myself for what is next. I have budgeted, I have come to terms with what the hormones will do to my body, hell - I even have spreadsheets!

Mr seems to have used the time to talk himself out of our previous plan. And while the points he makes are valid points, they are all things we have discussed before. They are all things that we found answers to.

Why the change of heart? Why now?

The funny thing about our conflicting opinions is that AF seems to have taken an extended vacation. I am on CD68 with no signs of her return. And oddly, I am ok with her disappearance. It's almost like she hasn't shown because we have to work this out. God/nature/whatever you want to believe in, has intervened and given us an opportunity to work this out. I of could course call in for a Provera script, but I honestly believe that this has to work itself out.

Mr has brought up again the idea of doing an IUI before heading into IVF. Of course this co-worker, or his friend's wife's cousin, or whoever has given him the story of how they were told it wouldn't happen and then it did. Everyone hears those stories! And you know what?... good for them! I am truely happy that they got their miracle. But, what was their diagnosis? What treatments did they try? What medications were they on? Of course they give you the happy... and leave out the rest of the story.

If it was just my PCOS, or just his MFI - I would be all for giving IUI a go. But, the odds just aren't with us. My gut tells me that IVF is the way to go, but do I give the IUI a try to give Mr peace of mind? Do we spend a few thousand dollars on a chance when we could put that money towards the insane cost of IVF and up our odds?

I know that we will work it out, but knowing that there will be an outcome doesn't make the in-between time an easier. I just wish there was a clearer path. This IF road has been tough enough to follow, and now we find ourselves at yet another fork in the road...

Time...

2009-11-02T13:02:00.003-05:00

... it sure does fly by.

The Mr and I met in the summer. I was just 17, he was 20... I had just graduated high school, he was living up the college life. But, from the instant we met, it all just kind of clicked, different lives heading in opposite directions and yet we knew, even at that young age that we were meant to be.

This time of year always makes me look back and smile. We have come a long way over the past ten years. Together we have learned to love, learned to grow, learned to live... The road has been less than easy for the two of us, but we have managed to find the way together.

My smiles for this time of year stem mainly from the celebration of my love's birthday and also for the anniversary of our engagement. Now, I know that most people do not dwell on anniversary's such as these, but for me these two events go hand in hand.

We live just outside of Philly and always enjoy ourselves when make the trip over the bridge. I love visiting the historic sites... they fascinate me and I never get bored. So, two years ago we decided to celebrate Mr's birthday in the city. We did the touristy thing in Olde City all day, shopped in Center City and relaxed over an amazing meal at one of our favorite restaurants.

After dinner, Mr suggested a walk around Penns Landing to end the night. I thought his was a horrible idea... I was tired and full and thought going home was a much better option... but he insisted so off we went. The water there at night is beautiful to watch and the Philadelphia skyline provides the perfect back-drop. We walked for awhile and then stopped to take it all in. After a bit, Mr turned to me and uttered the words that forever changed our lives...

Him: "Well, it's about that time..."
Me: "Time for what?"
Him: "You know, its time..."
Me: "What the hell are you talking about?"

Finally, he got down on one knee (oooh, time for that) and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. When I finally caught my breath I of course said YES! Our families were waiting to help us celebrate the engagement that was eight years in the making. We laughed, I cried, and I admit that at one point I threw-up from all the excitement.

Mr's birthday will forever remind me of the night we got engaged and he will never live down his big-question opening line. This year, re-telling the story brought me the smile that has been doing more and more hiding lately. I enjoy sharing our engagement story with others... the reactions are always fun to watch/hear... and sharing a smile is always a good thing :)

So with that, Happy Birthday Love... I love you and I wouldn't trade our story for any other...

NFP...

2009-10-31T21:53:00.001-04:00

I had a woman suggest Natural Family Planning to me today.

I stood there in shock, speechless and unable to dish out the throat-punch that rested on the tips of my knuckles.

My sil's mother took it upon herself to grill me about our baby-making efforts today. I tried to kindly answer her questions that yes, we are trying... no, we aren't pregnant yet... but she lost me when she started offering up advice... and NFP to boot.

Trust me lady, while I would like nothing more than to have some good old-fashioned sex on CD14 and get knocked up as a result... it just isn't going to happen.

If you would kindly stfu and keep your dark-age advice to yourself, we would all be better off.

ETA: My anger towards this advice has much more to do with the suggester rather than the suggestion. My vent isn't about NFP and that is how it came across :) This woman has been told on more than one occasion, by myself and her daughter, of our troubles and she still just doesn't get it.

Awareness...

2009-10-28T09:11:00.002-04:00

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month.

This disease has touched us all and it is the little things we do that can help make a difference. It hits very close to home for me as my mother is a survivor and we sadly lost her sister to this ugly disease some ten years ago.

Remember to perform self-exams and to call your Dr. if you have any concerns. Early detection does save lives.

If you don't already, please "favorite" www.thebreastcancersite.com and click-a-day to help give free mammograms to those in need. You can also visit www.feelyourboobies.com to help spread awareness.

Reminder...

2009-10-26T18:24:00.005-04:00

This weekend was just what the Dr ordered...

I spent Friday night at homecoming with my sorority sisters. Those girls know how to pick you up, slap you around, and send you merrily on your way. They brought me back to reality. They made me smile. They made me breath...

Saturday we celebrated the birthday of one of my dearest friends. Good friends, good food, good drinks, good times.

This weekend was a reminder of how lucky I am. I know that some days are going to be better than others... and on the not so good days, I have amazing friends and family to help me along the way.

I shelled out some advice to a friend recently and need to throw it right back at myself...

"Life moves along. Some days we are running to catch up with it and others we are at the vortex of the tornado, stuck in a time free-haze where everything on the outside is flying by and all we can do is sit frozen. All we can do is keep breathing... one day at a time... one foot in front of the other. Don't let the crap days outshine the good ones... this life has a lot to offer."

Release...

2009-10-23T10:23:00.000-04:00

Earlier in the year, I gave myself a pep-talk of sorts. I told myself that I would not let IF get the best of me... that I would keep my head up and focus on the good.

Ha! What a joke. I have been down-right wicked lately.

I recently was unintentionally cruel to someone who has always been extremely nice to me. At the time, I thought nothing of it. How it came across was not how it was intended, but in hindsight I should have known better. I have since apologized, but it doesn't make it right.

Looking back over the past few months, I don't recognize the person I have become. I am angry and bitter and sad most of the time. I find myself pulling away from friends. I can't focus at work. My at home to-do list steadily grows and I can't bring myself to get any of it done.

As much as I know that I am letting the ugly take over and that I need a swift kick in the ass, I just can't seem to snap out of it. I have become what I had feared... I have let it consume me. I have found an odd sort of comfort in the "dark & twistys." It is easier to slide into the ease of miserableness than it is to fake a smile.

I need some kind of release... an outlet for my frustrations... something to clear my head and get me back on my feet. I know what I need to do, but getting there is more than half the battle from where I currently stand...

Faith...

2009-10-12T22:17:00.002-04:00

Growing up, we attended church every week... I was active in the Jr. Choir and even the youth group. Somewhere along the line, I let my life get in the way and my time with God began to dwindle. Attendance at church a few times a week changed to once a week, to once a month, to just holidays, to nothing. My nightly prayers slowly stopped being said and then I found myself only praying when the going got tough...

And now as I search for answers to the whys and what ifs, I find myself looking to what I learned in Church those many years ago. The world seems to be fighting us at every turn. Some days I can't help but wonder... Are we being punished? I am questioning my faith when I can't find the upside of down.

Of course I know all the cliches... "God will not give me more than I can handle," "God has a special plan for us," and the list goes on and on... and I want to believe that there is a plan for us and that we will be able to handle that plan, but holding onto that belief has become tough.

Each one of us needs a lifeline... so, what is yours? What keeps you holding on? What makes you stand up and fight one more battle? Is it your faith, is it love, is it someone, or is it something entirely different?...

Side-tracked

2009-10-04T22:03:00.001-04:00

I have barely had time to breath lately, let alone think...

I find my self enduring Weddingpalooza 2009... We have had five weddings since July 4th. I have been in two - the matron of honor in one. During this time we have had three bachelor/bachelorette parties, several birthdays, and even a christening.

While my bank account is crying, the insanity has also helped to keep me somewhat side-tracked. I can't constantly think about babies, needles, appointments, etc when I am busy drying bride tears, making last minute changes to 20 centerpieces, and trying to figure out why the hell our day of transportation is an hour late.

This Friday will be my last wedding and I am sure that when all is said and done, I will breath a sigh of relief for all of about thirty seconds and then resume panic mode for my upcoming cycle.

In a perfect world, AF should arrive sometime within the next week. I hope this does happen so that I don't have too much time to dwell on the crazy... I could just dive right in and get this show on the road. I'm also hoping this holds true so that my New Years wish of getting pregnant in 2009 will finally come to be...

Blank...

2009-09-24T15:52:00.002-04:00

I haven't written because I don't really know where my thoughts are.

We have known since the beginning of the year that this is the path we would have to take. We knew that the day would come when it would be the time to move forward with the plan we didn't want to have to follow. But over the past nine months (can you say irony), there have been so many things that made us delay the inevitable and prevented us from moving forward...

We finally took our honeymoon
We wanted to be sure we were financially ready
We needed to be emotionally ready
We had five (yes five) weddings to get through
We were hoping for a miracle...

And now that the days are becoming fewer, I suddenly find myself blank. I don't know what I feel or how I should feel. Yes, I know that there is no right or wrong answer but shouldn't I feel something? I was anxious, I was nervous, I was excited... now I am just, I don't know, here...

Fear...

2009-09-14T11:16:00.002-04:00

Becoming pregnant is supposed to fun. You are supposed to enjoy the act of the making and embrace the nine months of baking. And yet I find myself scared. This has to work. There is no other choice. Yes, I will plant a smile on my face no matter the outcome because thats how I am... but the reality is that if we subject ourselves to these treatments and are then left with nothing, it will tear me apart.

While my thoughts continue to consume me and my fear threatens to take control, I find my heart breaking not only for myself.

This past week, I learned that a friend of mine has miscarried. I am so overwhemingly sad for her. It just isn't fair...

Another friend is cautiously expecting. She has suffered three losses in the past and while she should be thrilled that she is pregnant, she is instead scared... she is afraid to share the news, she is afraid to be excited, she is afraid to simply hope...

Why do horrible things happen to good people?.. Why does the joy of becoming a parent get to be taken from someone who wants nothing more than to love a child?.. There are too many why's and not enough answers.

Some days simply suck... and today is one of them. Trying to find the silver lining but today I just can't seem to locate the glimmer...