Thursday, September 5, 2013

the unknown...

Hard to believe that I haven't posted since we got home from Ireland.  So much has happened since then and yet so little at the same time.  I logged on here today and noticed that for some odd reason, people are still checking in on me around here, so I figured I would put a little update out there.

After our trip, we attempted the FET I think a total of four times.  Each time, my body didn't cooperate.  I remember so clearly the day we got the final call.  I was on the phone with the nurse and she was actually scheduling me and giving me my prep instructions when suddenly she asked to put me on hold.  The doc got on the phone and said that after reviewing everything again he just wasn't comfortable with my numbers and didn't want to essentially waste a thaw and our embryos on something that wasn't looking good already.

If I am being honest... in that moment I was kind of relieved.  We have been fighting for this for so hard and for so long and I was just so emotionally and physically spent.  After the O.HSS, the month of blood thinners to prevent DV.T, the stopping and starting and stopping and starting... it was just becoming too much.

I also realized in that moment how much this was all effecting my marriage.  Infertility had taken over and we had so much to work on.

So, eight months later we still haven't moved on with any treatments.  We really haven't even really talked about it.  There are much bigger issues at hand and as much as I hope to one day be a mother, now is just not the time.  As much as that hurts, I am ok with it.  My anxiety was getting out of control and was becoming consuming.  I had gained weight and hated looking in the mirror.  Simply, I was just so sad.

I've taken this time to make some changes in my self.  I've lost over 40lbs and am finally starting to feel good about myself.  I'm taking time to do things for me.  I'm getting help for my anxiety and have accepted that it's ok to need help and to accept it.

The unknown can be scary and I'm not sure what the future holds at this point but has hard as things may be right now, I know in the end, as cliché as it sounds, what is meant to be will be.

"When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen... There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly..." Patrick Overton