Tuesday, April 12, 2011

where to begin...

I honestly don't know where to begin...  I guess last Thursday is the best place to start.

9dp3dt = 9 days past 3 day transfer = 12 days past O = 2 days till beta = we caved
When I got home from work on Thursday, we talked about how anxious we both were.  After some hesitation we both decided what the hell, and I ran to the store for some tests.  After eating dinner and talking about it again, we went for it.

While faint, a second line came up right away.

10dp3dt = 10 days past 3 day transfer = 13 days past O = 1 day till beta = can we keep the secret
I tested again with FMU and once again, the second line came up right away.  We went about our day on cloud nine and wondered how we were going to keep our news a secret at the wedding we had to attend that night.  Being surrounded by some of my closest friends and not spilling the beans was difficult.  I wanted to scream that it was finally our turn, but we wanted to wait for the official beta.

11dp3dt = 11 days past 3 day thransfer = 14 days past O = beta day = are you freaking kidding me
We woke up early and made our way to the clinic for the official blood draw.  My nurse laughed and said she could tell I had tested by the huge smile on my face.  She wished us luck and send us on our way.  We spent the morning running some errands and finally got the call while we were at the car wash.  I knew something was wrong by the tone of her voice and my heart dropped when she said that my beta was only 21.2.  I composed myself while we waited for the car, but completely lost my shit as soon as we were able to drive away.  Sure, there are success stories of betas that low, but in that moment I couldn't see past the fear.

13dp3dt = 13 days past 3 day transfer = 16 days past O = beta #2 = it's over
Our second beta came in at 14.9.  It's over, a chemical pregancy. 

We are heartbroken.  I'm numb.