Friday, November 25, 2011

hello?...

Hello?... Is this thing on?...

April.  I can't believe its been that long since I posted.  I logged in a few times over the past seven months, but nothing ever seemed to fall into place.  Sure, I've had plenty to say since then but trying to make the stream of randomness in my mind into anything coherent proved difficult.  It was easier just to walk away.  To breathe.  To try to find myself again.  Where this place was once my source of therapy... a place to clear my mind... this year I just didn't have it in me. 

A recap of my life since April is certainly not necessary and would be extremely boring so I'll spare whoever is left reading this.  I will say that I've survived.  My life has certainly not gone as planned but I'm ok with the path that has become mine.  I have so much to be thankful for and this past year was a huge reminder of that.

So, I think I'm ready to give this blogging thing a go once again.  We'll see what happens.

"Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end.  Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.  Delicious ambiguity..."  Gilda Radner

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

where to begin...

I honestly don't know where to begin...  I guess last Thursday is the best place to start.

9dp3dt = 9 days past 3 day transfer = 12 days past O = 2 days till beta = we caved
When I got home from work on Thursday, we talked about how anxious we both were.  After some hesitation we both decided what the hell, and I ran to the store for some tests.  After eating dinner and talking about it again, we went for it.

While faint, a second line came up right away.

10dp3dt = 10 days past 3 day transfer = 13 days past O = 1 day till beta = can we keep the secret
I tested again with FMU and once again, the second line came up right away.  We went about our day on cloud nine and wondered how we were going to keep our news a secret at the wedding we had to attend that night.  Being surrounded by some of my closest friends and not spilling the beans was difficult.  I wanted to scream that it was finally our turn, but we wanted to wait for the official beta.

11dp3dt = 11 days past 3 day thransfer = 14 days past O = beta day = are you freaking kidding me
We woke up early and made our way to the clinic for the official blood draw.  My nurse laughed and said she could tell I had tested by the huge smile on my face.  She wished us luck and send us on our way.  We spent the morning running some errands and finally got the call while we were at the car wash.  I knew something was wrong by the tone of her voice and my heart dropped when she said that my beta was only 21.2.  I composed myself while we waited for the car, but completely lost my shit as soon as we were able to drive away.  Sure, there are success stories of betas that low, but in that moment I couldn't see past the fear.

13dp3dt = 13 days past 3 day transfer = 16 days past O = beta #2 = it's over
Our second beta came in at 14.9.  It's over, a chemical pregancy. 

We are heartbroken.  I'm numb. 

Thursday, March 31, 2011

FET...

My ma.cbook got sick.  She needed a new hardrive.  After several painful days without her, I finally call the call from the g.eniousbar that she was all better... and all my shit had been recovered (insert huge sigh of relief here).  But, this kicked me off my router.  I never got around to changing the hexkey to an actual password, and aparently Joel threw away the paper with the code.  I have no interent at home and I'm losing it.  I attempted to reset the router, but our pc disk drive won't open sooo... I'm relying on my phone and work computer until I have the patience to figure out a better solution (or I am just a moron and there is an easy solution?).

So, because of all of that I haven't been able to update yet again.  It's quiet here at work so I figured I would do a bit of catching up...

Last week my E2 was not where they wanted it to be.  I was up'ed to four pacthes and given an estra.ce supp (fun).  After a few days and a couple of monitoring appointments we got the official ok to schedule our FET.

Saturday I began the lovely PIO injections.  I honestly had myself so worked about about them that I broke into tears with the needle in my hand.  Finally I sucked it up and took the plunge (figuratively and literally).  And ya know what?... it wasn't all that bad.  I rubbed the site manually for a few minutes and then sat on a heating pad for a bit as well.  This routine seems to be working for me.  Five days in and I'm doing well.  My ass is certainly sore, but the horror I had made it out to be is pretty comical to me now.

Three of our embabies were thawed on Sunday.  All three survived the thaw but by Monday, one had arrested.  Tuesday we transferred one 6 cell grade 1.5 and one 4 cell grade 1.5.  While she would have liked to see at least 6 cells and ideally 8 on day three, she said that even though they were lagging a bit they looked nearly perfect under the microscope (grade on scale of 1-5 with 1 being the best).

The transfer itself was so super easy.  Dr. G was awesome and talked with us through the whole procedure.  Being able to watch the embies be placed in my uterus was beyond awesome.  (I'll try to post a pic later.)

So, now we wait and pray that at least one of those little ones has decided to stick around for the long haul.  Beta will be on 4/9 which is thankfully a few days earlier than I orginally thought.  I'm back to work today and have a ton of things to do over the coming week which will hopefully help keep me from slowly losing it until next Saturday.

So, today is 2dp3dt = 2 days past 3 day transfer = 5 days past O = 9 days until beta = the countdown has begun...

Monday, March 21, 2011

good omen...

Last Friday, we finally moved our embabies to the new clinic...

Super easy process... Pick up container from old clinic, drive in Friday rush hour traffic to new clinic, drive back thru Friday rush hour traffic to old clinic, return container :)

While the traffic sucked, the weather was beautiful and the sky looked like this...


That's gotta be a good omen right?

As for the cycle itself... a brief update:  When previously on L.upron, I was lucky to be symptom free.  This time around... not so much.  Crazy hot flashes, night sweats, and a super fun headache thrown in for good measure occassionaly made for a not so peachy me.  Thankfully, once the estro.gen patches started, the side effects went away for the most part. 

All of my monitoring appointments have been good so far.  I go for another tomorrow and then I believe my last will be on Saturday. 

FET 3/29 (8 days!!!)
Beta 4/12 (22 days!!!)
Holy shit!!!

Friday's drive brought us a block of Aerosmi.th during a local radio stations RockMarchMadness... This lyric from "Dream On" made me smile..."Dream on, dream until your dream comes true..."

Thursday, March 3, 2011

hopeful...

Oh right... I have a blog... that I never update... oops...

I am happy to report that the biopsy results came back negative.  The mass is benign.  I will follow up with a six month check-up with my gyno and will return for another MRI in a year ( I will continue with them yearly).

In the wonderful world of my uterus, I am happy to report that with the arrival of AF today I was able to schedule my baseline for Monday morning.  FET will tentatively take place the last week in March.

We had a ton of events to attend in February and now that things have kind of settled, I hope to get back into the swing of things around here.  I'm sure when the crazy sets in as I add new medications and anticipate transfer and beta, I will need a place to release some of my emotions.

While having to delay sucked.  I am in a good place now and am very excited that we are where we are.  While the fear is always there, lurking in the shadows, I am really hopeful for things to come.  Happy news has been announced a lot by those near to us lately, and I can't help but to hope that we'll be sharing our own happy news sometime soon...

"Amazing isn't it, how some see the basket half empty and others see it half full?  Some see life hopeless, some hopeful.  Even when things are less than perfect, if you think of the good, the beautiful, the hopeful, you'll be more than sustained..." Author Unknown

Thursday, February 3, 2011

on hold...

I had to cancel my cycle.  The abbreviated version is as follows...
I went two weeks ago for what supposed to be a baseline MRI of sorts.  I'm too young for mammograms, but with my family history (my momma is a bc survivor and her sister passed when she was in her 30's), the Dr wanted to be proactive.
Well of course, because I have the most awesomest luck ever,  they found something.  She's pretty sure that it is a benign mass of cells.  They tried ultrasounding it on Monday with no luck (my breasts are too dense).  My Dr. would now like to do an MRI guided biopsy. 
The earliest they can get me in is the 9th.  We tried for something sooner, but since AF showed on Tuesday, that effects when they can do the test.
So, of course this news means that we had to put the FET on hold.  Not only for obvious health reasons but also that were I to start any of the hormones they would have to delay the biopsy (for my levels to even out), and also if the mass isn't benign they could make it grow faster.
I spoke with my RE and the plan is to go back on bcp's (as long as that is ok with my other Dr).  Pending the results of the biopsy, we could get going again right away.
I'm pissed.  Yes, I know my health is what is most important.  Yes, I know that being proactive is necessary.  But seriously?  Seriously?!  Can we catch a freaking break?
Thankfully, outside of "us" we have a lot of happy going on so I don't have too much time to analyze everything.  My Dad's birthday, my parent's anniversary, and a gathering of friends and family for the superbowl will make the weekend pass with lots of laughs.
Joel, as always, is amazing and continually reminds me that we will get where we are going.  I know that.  I'm just tired of all the detours...
"Set backs are bumps in the road, they are not the end of the road..." Bob Greene

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

rambly...

Updating around these parts has been on my list of things to do, but it kept getting pushed to the bottom of that list.  Looking at my last post and realizing how much of a slacker I have been (yet again), I figured I'd try to get my act together at least a little bit.

I'm in my last week of bcps and began shooting up L.upron this morning.  Our h.ysteroscpy and mock transfer both went.  Hopefully by the end of next week I'll be slapping e.strogen patches along my tummy and be on my way to buildng a nice cushy lining for our embies to snuggle into.

Calls to our old clinic and our new one have been made so that we can prepare those precious embies for their trip.  I'm quite disgruntled with our old clinic as they are charging us $350.00 to "prepare" everything for the move.  They aren't very forthcoming with information and I just don't have the energy to argue with them. So, while I am not happy about it I am just going to pay them and be done.  This just reaffirms how right we were to pursue other opinions and move forward with a new Dr.

Our paperwork is complete.  I just have to pay the fee and offically schedule everything.  I hope that all is finished with that aspect of this cycle by next week.  Basically I am just trucking along at this point.  I'm trying not to think about things and am honestly trying not to get my hopes up. 

Warning... this could get rambly, but I hope my thoughts come through semi-coherently...

My parents know our story and have gone above and beyond in the support department.  I count my blessings everyday that I have such wonderful and loving parents.  My momma and I talked a bunch this weekend about what this cycle entails and the what-ifs of what happens if it doesn't work.  She related how almost three years ago, when they were wheeling her in for her double m.asectomy, she laughed because of all the things that could have come to her mind at that moment,  the lyrics to "Q.ue S.era S.era" are what popped into her head.  That became her mantra.  That helped her focus.  There are some things you just don't have much control over and you just have to roll with it. 

Now don't get me wrong, when most people tell me that everything happens for a reason, I usually want to throat punch them, and most people reading this will probably want to tell me to shove it.  But talking with Mom was different.  It was more of a reminder that we have done everything we have needed to do.  We just need to keep faith and hope that our prayers are answered.  And my reaction/acceptance to this conversation showed me how far I have really come. 

A discussion was had on the boards today about living childless.  I fully admit that we have thought/talked about it and have come to terms that should this cycle not work, that a child free life could very well be our reality. Yeah it saddens me and I think it's totally unfair... but I know we'll pull through (I'm not saying it'll be easy - but we have each other to lean on).

I think I'll quit typing before this all becomes just a bunch of word vomit that makes no sense ;)

"Q.ue S.era S.era, Whatever will be will be, The future's not ours to see, Q.ue S.era S.era, What will be will be..." Doris Day

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

beginning...

And so we begin... the countdown to FET has officially begun.

Prover.a is done and I am hoping to have a visit from AF by the weekend.  Once she makes an appearance I will schedule my day3's and hysters.copy and the ball will be rolling.  Talk to me about the hysteros.copy, does it suck as bad as the HSG and SHG?  Worse, better, give me the goods ladies.

I spoke with the IVF coordinator today and scheduled our nursing consult to discuss in length the details of our FET protocol, sign our consent forms, and order our meds.  There was availability for this week but due to our schedules, I decided to take the opening for next Tuesday.  While I have to travel to an office that is a bit far, I am happy that I was able to get in so quickly.

I am feeling good.  My mind is clear and in keeping up with my running/exercise I hope that my body is also ready.  I am also considering accu, but haven't made a decision just yet (any experience to share?).  I want to do everything I can to be as healthy as possible, but I don't want to obsess over it, kwim?

So for now I am focusing on the new year and maintaining a happy me.  Clean slate - fresh start - new beginnings - you get the drift ;)

"A beginning is only the start of a journey to another beginning..." Author Unknown