When it comes to my emotions any rational person would think that with another new baby in my life, I may be feeling out of sorts. And yes, I will fully admit that while holding sweet Cali and staring into those newborn eyes I felt that pull in my gut... that "I wish it could be me" or "when will it be my turn" feeling that threatens to break me. But the feeling was brief and I pulled through by reminding myself that it wasn't about me. It was about celebrating new life. It was about about welcoming Cali to the world.
And then I went to Target... and nearly lost my shit...
A little back story... When we moved into our house however many years ago, the first holiday that we really got to decorate for was Christmas. I love Christmas. It has always been an all out kind of deal in my parents house. My Momma could give MarthaStew a run for her money ;) So I was super amped that I finally got to deck my own halls.
While shopping for decorations, I fell in love with Christmas stockings. At the time I tossed around the idea of maybe buying more than just the two that we needed at the time. Surely by the following holiday season I would be needing to set out three. But I talked myself out of it and said that I'd take care of it when the time came.
Those stockings haven't been sold since. That is, until this year.
While strolling the Christmas section at Target over the weekend, I spotted them as rounded the aisle. I stopped and stared for several minutes. I know that I looked like a lunatic just standing there but there they were again, finally, and yet I still didn't need another one. It hurt. A lot. And yeah, maybe the hurt wasn't just about the stockings but it shocked me that something so small could be my tipping point.
In my typical fashion, I packaged up the crazy and bottled up the pain. After a few deep breaths I moved on. I am tired of moving on. I want to move forward. In the meantime though I will continue to take deep breaths and remember that I really am blessed for all that I have to be thankful for.
"If we fill our hours with regrets over the failures of yesterday, and with the worries and problems of tomorrow, we have no today in which to be thankful..." Unknown