Tuesday, August 31, 2010

busy...

It was a busy weekend.  We had yet another wedding on Friday evening (we seriously have more weddings than anyone I know), and I spent Saturday and Sunday doing a ton around the house (it's amazing what new curtains can do for a room).

Being so busy, I didn't really have much time to think about making a decision, but as I lay in bed on Saturday night it just came to me.  The clinics have only slight differences in what they see fit for us and I can totally understand both sides.  What seemed to make the the choice for me is that the Philly clinic seems a bit more personal - more time with the actual Dr.  Add to that the simple fact that it will be super easy to get in and out of the city for monitoring in the am via the train and the choice seemed a bit clearer. 

I talked it over with Joel and he feels comfortable with this choice as well.  We figure we'll give AF a chance to rear her ugly head (hopefully on her own), and then schedule my day3's and the other testing Dr. G wants to perform.  From there we'll get going with the FET... I'm thinking that will be Octoberish.

Oddly enough, after making this choice, I woke up yesterday feeling crampy.  AF has not showed yet and the cramps could have been a fluke, but I am hoping and praying that she makes an appearance soon.

And I must say that I have felt great the past few days.  My spirit seems restored.  Maybe with the cleaning and refreshing of the house this weekend, a little cleaning and refreshing of my soul happened along the way...

"One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged.  Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself."  Lucille Ball

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

trying...

Today was another one of those days where I would start a post... then erase the post... then start over and end up deleting it all again...

Trying to find the right words for the spinning thoughts... trying to weigh the pros and cons of each of the clinics... trying to figure out when we could cycle... And on top of that I was trying to tackle the mountain that is covering my desk at work... while trying to figure out the right balance of meds for my asthma that decided it wanted to kick me in the balls this week... if all else fails, the raspy voice that this wicked wheezy cough has left me with will make for a great career change as a phone sex operator ;)

And the usual me would be overwhelmed, but today was a fuckit kind of day.  I came home from work and left my worries at the door.  Only after sitting down now to check my blogroll, did I start to revisit my earlier thoughts.  Thinking back about the words that just didn't seem to form to how I was feeling.  And I guess that I've come to the realization that there is only so much I can do.  Over-thinking and over-analyzing aren't going to get me anywhere.  I don't mean to say that I will not continue to look at the options that lie before us, rather I have accepted that I don't need to make any decisions today.  Whether it be tomorrow or two weeks from now, the answers will come to me when the time is right.

This quote gave me good giggle today...
"There are some days I practice positive thinking, and other days I am not positive I am thinking." John M. Eades

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

FET consult #2...

Yesterday I skipped out of work a bit early to head to the city for FET consult #2.  Our ride into Philly was uneventful and we even lucky enough to find street parking two blocks down from the office.

We didn't have much of a wait and after checking my bp, height, and weight (down 2lbs from consult #1!), we sat down to meet with Dr. G.  After reviewing my records she came to the same conclusions about what went wrong and she also felt that even though the cycle should have been been done a little differently, our negative result was probably a case of bad luck.

The FET protocol is the same from all the Dr's I have talked to, so that discussion wasn't a surprise.  The main difference was that she would thaw our three day 2's and transfer back two on day 3.  If, God forbid, none of those three survived the thaw then we would move on to the day 3's we have.  I did ask what she would have me do if we were to do a fresh cycle again and her suggestion would be the long L.upron but she would change the dosages of the stims.

She would like to do her own work-up as expected, but for the most part, we could get started whenever we felt ready.  The office is really easy to get to and I am pretty sure that it's location would allow me to take the train in and out for monitoring in the mornings which would be nice.  The transfer however is at another office that is quite a bit further, so that will have to be considered as well.

Now comes the difficult part of deciding where to cycle.  I thought I would, but I really don't have a "feeling" for one over the other.  I know that I don't need to decide today, but I was hoping for some kind of something to help me make up my mind.  So, we'll lay it all out and try to work it all out, and hopefully sometime very soon we will be moving in the right direction.

"Good plans shape good decisions.  That's why good planning helps to make elusive dreams come true." Lester R. Bittel 

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

FET consult #1...

Friday afternoon we rushed out of work and made our way to Delaware to meet Dr. N for our FET consultation.  Mid afternoon, on a Friday, between Jersey and Delaware, in the middle summer is not an ideal time for travel, but the timing meant that neither of us would have to take off time from work to attend, so I didn't hesitate when the opening was available.

The drive could have been a lot worse (and the drive back was), but we made it in plenty of time only to wait... and then wait a little more.  But waiting aside, it was a great appointment.

We first met with Dr. N's assistant to review our history, and then met with Dr. N.  I really like what they had to say.  Firstly, my suspicions regarding our IVF cycle were confirmed.  I was started off at too high a dose of stims which, having PCOS, made my E2 jump.  In turn I was dropped and then eventually coasted which resulting in my loss of a lot of eggs.  While we still retrieved a good number, it probably should have been higher.  Her suggestion, should we decide to to a fresh again, would be to start at a lower dose and work me up as needed.  She would also suppress me with G.anirelix and then trigger me with Lupro.n, as another way to prevent OHSS.

In regards to the FET, she took the time to meet with their embryology department and review my records prior to sitting down with us.  We had three embies frozen on day 2 and two frozen on day 3.  While my original clinic only did three day transfers, this clinic prefers a five day transfer.  Her recommendation would be to thaw the day 2s, followed a day later by the day 3s and watch them all to day 5.  Dr. N's suggestion would then be to transfer back 1 and freeze what was still growing.  The transfer of 1 vs. 2 is something we need to think about still, but she feels pretty strongly about 1. (They have a tank that can be used for transporting our embies and it should be as "simple" as signing a thousand consents between the two offices.)

Another thing that we have to take into consideration is that they cycle everyone together.  The only problem with this is me being able to commute back and forth on their schedule as opposed to my own.  Not a huge deal, but definitely something to think about, seeing as it isn't exactly around the corner.

Something else that she gave us to consider is a study they are doing in regards to egg v.itrification.  Long story short, as part of the study our cost of a fresh cycle would be cut in half (plus the cost of meds).  If that cycle didn't result in a pregnancy then any subsequent FET's would be free.

In the meantime, she would like to do her own work-up on me including bloods, u/s, another SHG, and a 3hr g.lucose test.  We didn't schedule anything just yet as we have an appointment with another RE in Philly next week, but I really did like this Dr a lot and could understand her reasoning for her game plan.

We have so much to think over and that load will only get heavier after next week's appointment.  Honestly I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.  Some of it goes back to this post, where certain doubts have crept into my mind.  While in my heart I know that I want to move forward, there's that small piece of me that keeps saying well maybe all of this isn't meant to be.  I hate that.  I feel robbed.

So for now I'll continue to take each day as it is given and work through those doubts as they come.

"One day at a time, this is enough.  Do not look back and grieve for the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come.  Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering."  Ida Scott Taylor

Monday, August 2, 2010

paint...

Note to self:

Do not decide to paint the bedroom that you hope will one day be the nursery when,

a) AF has arrived after a nearly 3 month hiatus
b) you have just gotten home from a baby shower
c) you have been subject to more than 3 baby announcements in the past 24 hours
d) you forgot to eat dinner
e) you aren't thrilled with the color

Meltdown will ensue - I promise.

Thank God for wonderful husbands who take notice of the impending desperation, leave silently, and return with pints of waterice to calm their lunatic wives.

I feel much better about the color of the room today and think that once all the furtniture is in place and the bedding and windows are dressed it will really come together ;)