Thursday, July 8, 2010

a start...

In June we crossed over the two year mark of trying to produce a little one of our own.  Our reproductive attempts feel like the halleysfreakincomet of fertility.  Yes, I know that is overly dramatic - we aren't waiting 75ish years between cycles, but so far we have really only gotten a couple of real chances.  Since I seem to cycle like a solareclipse without medical intervention, and the hub's "boys," while improved, are still not nearly where they should be, the odds of us making a baby the old fashioned way seem highly unlikely (a girl can dream though, right?).

This waiting in between cycles is tearing me up.  It makes me think of all these different scenarios.  Maybe we shouldn't have kids now.  Maybe we shouldn't have kids ever.  Maybe parenthood isn't meant for us.  Am I ready to give up and live a childless life?  The answers to all of that is no... and I know that... but the thoughts come jumping out at me some days.  (I can't help but to think of those that will read that and offer up the unwanted, "Well, if she is thinking that, then she really must not want a baby as badly as I do.")  And yet, when those thoughts come creeping in I can't help but to think of our life without children... the places we would go and the things we would see... and then again I smack myself and say, yo jackass - you can do all those things - even with children.  And then it all circles back around to the omgcanwepleasejustgetmovingonwiththeFETalready?!

And the funny thing is, is that even though those crap thoughts get into the cracks sometimes, I am honestly in a really good place right now.  I am happy.  I feel good.  As I said in my last post, I am busy living.  I'm learning to take the good with the bad, but it never ceases to amaze me at how one little dark thought can start the wheels spinning and the next thing you know you feel two cans short of a six pack and you are waiting for your poor husband to admit you.

If we could have just gotten pregnant like "normal" people, none of these thoughts would have ever crossed my mind. Yeah, I'm sure there would be days of anxiety about having a baby, but I don't think I would be questioning my abilities as a mom and my right to be a mother quite as much and quite as harshly.

I guess the whole point of this is that I hate IF for what it stole from me.  It stole the simple pleasures that most couples get to enjoy.  It took away the easy.  It robbed me of my rose-colored glasses, if you will. 

God, I don't even know if any of that makes even a shred of sense (which is why it has taken me so long to post and why getting it all out will take multiple posts)... but I guess it's a start to clearing out the chaos that can seem all-consuming sometimes.

8 comments:

Jessica said...

Jamie, this totally makes sense. I feel the same way sometimes...like maybe this is someone's way of telling us we shouldnt have kids or werent meant to have kids or would be bad parents. I have to snap myself out of it by reminding myself of all the really bad parents out there that dont deserve children and get them anyway. ((hugs)) I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in those thoughts :)

cjdubs13 said...

I hate that IF has robbed us of so many things. I think I will always feel bitter towards those who had it so easy and did not experience the pain and frustration we have. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for those people and don't wish IF upon my worst enemy but I think I will always be jealous of others. I don't even know if that makes sense... continue to live your life and make the most of your time- that is what I am trying to do too!!

Mrs. Hoppy said...

I feel the same way sometimes. I wonder if we're meant to have children, is it for us, do I really want to go through all of this heartache to have kids? IF gives us so many crazy thoughts and so many emotions I think it's all normal. We can't help it, until someone has been through it I think it's impossible to understand the emotions. ((hugs))

Tiffany said...

I have nothing to offer but *hugs* and prayers. Thinking of you!

Tabitha said...

I get it. I'm starting meds for my fourth and final IVF next week...and suddely I'm going crazy. (The BCP's, maybe?) I'm sort of "numb", and feel like maybe if this doesn't work I'll be fine being childless...and that scares me. Then suddely I freak out and know that I want kids...but maybe this is happeneing for a reason and I shouldn't force it...like there is ping pong match going on in my head. Sigh.
Yep, I get it.

Kristin (kekis) said...

It makes COMPLETE sense! This whole sucky IF roller coaster does that to us. I just blogged about it myself. Know you aren't alone.

bendingbackwards said...

We've been going on this roller coaster for the past three years. IF does rob you, but then I think about what makes it okay (which at times is really hard to do)- and what I realized if I had the choice I wouldn't have married anyone else.

Also I just added you to my blogroll.
liddy @ the unfair struggle

bendingbackwards said...

We've been going on this roller coaster for the past three years. IF does rob you, but then I think about what makes it okay (which at times is really hard to do)- and what I realized if I had the choice I wouldn't have married anyone else.

Also I just added you to my blogroll.
liddy @ the unfair struggle