In June we crossed over the two year mark of trying to produce a little one of our own. Our reproductive attempts feel like the halleysfreakincomet of fertility. Yes, I know that is overly dramatic - we aren't waiting 75ish years between cycles, but so far we have really only gotten a couple of real chances. Since I seem to cycle like a solareclipse without medical intervention, and the hub's "boys," while improved, are still not nearly where they should be, the odds of us making a baby the old fashioned way seem highly unlikely (a girl can dream though, right?).
This waiting in between cycles is tearing me up. It makes me think of all these different scenarios. Maybe we shouldn't have kids now. Maybe we shouldn't have kids ever. Maybe parenthood isn't meant for us. Am I ready to give up and live a childless life? The answers to all of that is no... and I know that... but the thoughts come jumping out at me some days. (I can't help but to think of those that will read that and offer up the unwanted, "Well, if she is thinking that, then she really must not want a baby as badly as I do.") And yet, when those thoughts come creeping in I can't help but to think of our life without children... the places we would go and the things we would see... and then again I smack myself and say, yo jackass - you can do all those things - even with children. And then it all circles back around to the omgcanwepleasejustgetmovingonwiththeFETalready?!
And the funny thing is, is that even though those crap thoughts get into the cracks sometimes, I am honestly in a really good place right now. I am happy. I feel good. As I said in my last post, I am busy living. I'm learning to take the good with the bad, but it never ceases to amaze me at how one little dark thought can start the wheels spinning and the next thing you know you feel two cans short of a six pack and you are waiting for your poor husband to admit you.
If we could have just gotten pregnant like "normal" people, none of these thoughts would have ever crossed my mind. Yeah, I'm sure there would be days of anxiety about having a baby, but I don't think I would be questioning my abilities as a mom and my right to be a mother quite as much and quite as harshly.
I guess the whole point of this is that I hate IF for what it stole from me. It stole the simple pleasures that most couples get to enjoy. It took away the easy. It robbed me of my rose-colored glasses, if you will.
God, I don't even know if any of that makes even a shred of sense (which is why it has taken me so long to post and why getting it all out will take multiple posts)... but I guess it's a start to clearing out the chaos that can seem all-consuming sometimes.