Thursday, July 22, 2010

excited!..

Guess who will be cycling sooner than planned?

Yep... Yours Truly!

Tomorrow I will be making phone calls to schedule our new consults.

Some happy things happened today that helped the stars align.  I am in shock and beyond excited to get this show on the road :)

Friday, July 16, 2010

disappointed...

When it came time for us to choose a clinic, we were fortunate in that there are several in this area.  The one we decided on was not only the one with the best success rates, but also the one that a friend had recommended.  I was optimistic after our consult (finally diagnosed with pcos), and was feeling great about our choice.

Now, I had typed out a whole thing about our cycle but the bottom line is, I am very disappointed in our treatment and have been looking into other Drs to consult with.  And, no it's not just because it didn't work.  It's because looking back, things should have been done differently and I just didn't realize it at the time.  Even after our WTF appointment, I wasn't feeling like the new plan would make any difference if we continued at this clinic.

So, knowing we would be on a break for awhile, I asked for a copy of my file.  This only further solidified that changing is the right thing to do.  One of the biggest things that jumped out at me is my diagnostic testing.  I don't want to be the patient that is trying to diagnose herself or question the Drs, but there are definitely some things that stood out to me.  So, when we make the switch I really realize how much I need to be my own advocate.

I''ve been doing a ton of research and while, like I said, there are more than a few clinics to choose from near home, the two that I am most seriously considering are out of state.  Fortunately they are still relatively close.  I had a mini phone consult of sorts with one of them last week and am looking forward to setting up a time to get down there and have a full conversation.

Making these calls has me feeling good.  Yeah, I'm bummed that we aren't cycling yet, but I'm excited to be moving in what feels like the right direction.  The state of limbo that our treatments has been in is starting to shift and that gets me smiling.  I guess I didn't realize how heavily the not knowing when/what/where/if was weighing on me until that phone call.  When I hung up, I finally felt like progress was being made.  I still may not know the when/what/where, but the if has finally moved from my mind...

Thursday, July 8, 2010

a start...

In June we crossed over the two year mark of trying to produce a little one of our own.  Our reproductive attempts feel like the halleysfreakincomet of fertility.  Yes, I know that is overly dramatic - we aren't waiting 75ish years between cycles, but so far we have really only gotten a couple of real chances.  Since I seem to cycle like a solareclipse without medical intervention, and the hub's "boys," while improved, are still not nearly where they should be, the odds of us making a baby the old fashioned way seem highly unlikely (a girl can dream though, right?).

This waiting in between cycles is tearing me up.  It makes me think of all these different scenarios.  Maybe we shouldn't have kids now.  Maybe we shouldn't have kids ever.  Maybe parenthood isn't meant for us.  Am I ready to give up and live a childless life?  The answers to all of that is no... and I know that... but the thoughts come jumping out at me some days.  (I can't help but to think of those that will read that and offer up the unwanted, "Well, if she is thinking that, then she really must not want a baby as badly as I do.")  And yet, when those thoughts come creeping in I can't help but to think of our life without children... the places we would go and the things we would see... and then again I smack myself and say, yo jackass - you can do all those things - even with children.  And then it all circles back around to the omgcanwepleasejustgetmovingonwiththeFETalready?!

And the funny thing is, is that even though those crap thoughts get into the cracks sometimes, I am honestly in a really good place right now.  I am happy.  I feel good.  As I said in my last post, I am busy living.  I'm learning to take the good with the bad, but it never ceases to amaze me at how one little dark thought can start the wheels spinning and the next thing you know you feel two cans short of a six pack and you are waiting for your poor husband to admit you.

If we could have just gotten pregnant like "normal" people, none of these thoughts would have ever crossed my mind. Yeah, I'm sure there would be days of anxiety about having a baby, but I don't think I would be questioning my abilities as a mom and my right to be a mother quite as much and quite as harshly.

I guess the whole point of this is that I hate IF for what it stole from me.  It stole the simple pleasures that most couples get to enjoy.  It took away the easy.  It robbed me of my rose-colored glasses, if you will. 

God, I don't even know if any of that makes even a shred of sense (which is why it has taken me so long to post and why getting it all out will take multiple posts)... but I guess it's a start to clearing out the chaos that can seem all-consuming sometimes.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Oh, heeey...

Oh, heeey... remember me?

So much and yet so little has happened over the past few weeks.  No earth shattering news to report or anything, but we have been crazy busy with weddings and birthdays and graduations and bbqs and trips to the shore... in other words - we've been living :)  And saying that makes me happy because as much as this blog has been an amazing place for me to get out the dark and twistys on bad days, and share the loving on good days, it makes me feel good to just shake it all out on my own sometimes.

That being said, there are a few things that have been swirling around in my dome for awhile that I know I need to get out.  It's finding the right words to express it all that's been the issue.  The perfect words always seem to come to me as I am falling asleep at night, but I know that if I get up and type it out, getting myself back to bed could be difficult... kwim?  So I've taken to writing down bits as I think of them, and slowly but surely my thoughts are coming together.  It's frustrating because I feel like there's so much there and then when it comes down to putting it down, I'm blank. 

I laugh at myself because what I have to say most definitely won't bring world peace or anything of the sort, lol, but I just gotta get it out.  And my thoughts are all over the place because there are so many different things on my mind that I'm sure it will only make sense to me in the end... but oh well... that's what it's all about in the end anyway, right?...