Tuesday, April 20, 2010


It was tough for me to decide to post this, but I figure it is important to be honest, to share, to learn, to grow...

I struggled with anxiety and a bit of depression for quite some time, especially while I was in college.  Over the years, with a lot of love and support, I learned how to handle it and keep the panic to a minimum.  Recently though, I can feel some of those old demons trying to make their way back into my life.  The heart flutters, the loss of breath, the shakes, the omg I need to get out of this room/store/whatever right now.  I can feel the ugly seeping in and sometimes it can be tough to shake it.  It frustrates me to no end because while there are of course certain triggers that can set it off, it is often for no reason at all.

Of course I know that some of this is the result of our failed cycle and the general road of infertility.  I don't know that I will every fully release all of that pain.  But, I know that it is ok to hurt... to have bad days.  The good days most certainly outweigh the bad but good God, why do those bad ones feel like they might never end?

When I find myself in those moments where my grip on control is loosening, I am forced to take a deep breath and remember that I am not alone.  That I will not let the panic win.  That I am strong.  That I am blessed.  Is it easy?  No.  Does it always work?  No.  Is it worth the battle?  Hell yes.

"Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness.  Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.  Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength..." August Wilson


Anonymous said...

Facing our demons is a scarything. I also battled with depression in my younger years and this IF journey has given me moments where I thought I was going back to that dark place. Hang in there and hold onto your strength as best you can and most improtantly make sure you have some support network to see you through those bad days.

Laura said...

My heart goes out to you.. a failed cycle is never easy to "get over" I think part of me never truly recovered from it, but it does get easier. I know how our demons from the past come out whenever we are at our weakest so you are doing well to talk about them and acknowledge the fact that they are repapering so that you know how to deal with them.

Crossed Fingers said...

Oh I love that quote you ended with. It's true on so many levels. I'm sorry you're dealing with the pain & the demons with the failed cycle...TTC is an emotional roller coaster and it's hard on anyone. I hope you have a wonderful outcome soon though.

ICLW #119

Miss K said...

The IF community saved my sanity and you are certainly not alone.


Just me said...

I struggle with anxiety as well, and have for my whole life. After two years of therapy, I finally decided to go on medication.

Now that we are dealing with fertility treatments and the (hopefully) result of pregnancy, I kind of want to scream when someone says to me "Are you really comfortable being on prozac when you are pregnant?" I'm sorry. I have an anxiety disorder!!! Did it occur to you that maybe I didn't need you to point out the possible 'danger' associated with taking meds while pregnant? Like I hadn't already thought of that a million times.

Regardless, I have made the decision, based on my experiences with myself and my lifelong anxiety, that I am better off on medication because of the stress and physical symptoms the anxiety of ttc and being pregnant will definitely bring out in me.


Ceejay said...

I've also struggled with anxiety and depression in the past, so I feel you on this one. It's tough. There's no way around it. But thank God that we are able to make progress and not get stuck there, as I have and it sounds like you have.

s said...

i, too, have been diagonosed with depression. been battling it since childhood. some days are good and some not so. i know with the not so days that if i can just get thru, at some point down the road things will ease up.
i just started to write about my depression demons [i call her darlene!] on www.sistervillage.org.

thanks for sharing.


Sonja said...

It is ok to hurt. *hugs*