It was tough for me to decide to post this, but I figure it is important to be honest, to share, to learn, to grow...
I struggled with anxiety and a bit of depression for quite some time, especially while I was in college. Over the years, with a lot of love and support, I learned how to handle it and keep the panic to a minimum. Recently though, I can feel some of those old demons trying to make their way back into my life. The heart flutters, the loss of breath, the shakes, the omg I need to get out of this room/store/whatever right now. I can feel the ugly seeping in and sometimes it can be tough to shake it. It frustrates me to no end because while there are of course certain triggers that can set it off, it is often for no reason at all.
Of course I know that some of this is the result of our failed cycle and the general road of infertility. I don't know that I will every fully release all of that pain. But, I know that it is ok to hurt... to have bad days. The good days most certainly outweigh the bad but good God, why do those bad ones feel like they might never end?
When I find myself in those moments where my grip on control is loosening, I am forced to take a deep breath and remember that I am not alone. That I will not let the panic win. That I am strong. That I am blessed. Is it easy? No. Does it always work? No. Is it worth the battle? Hell yes.
"Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength..." August Wilson