Monday, February 22, 2010

Moving forward...

I've started several posts since last week, but ended up deleting them all.  My thoughts are so chaotic and random that I don't know how to get them all out.  This morning I figure that getting some of it out has to be better than letting it all swim around in my head.  Moving forward has to be better than this standing still.

I don't want to be all melodramatic about this not working, but after waiting so long for this chance I can't help it.  And the fact that our snowbabies are likely our last hope doesn't help that either.  But then, I don't want to talk about it because I am angry and bitter and sad and well, empty

I don't want to hear that it happened for a reason or that our time will come.  I don't want your offers of carrying a baby for us or that of using your husbands sperm.  Yes, I'm serious - it has been offered on more than one occasion in the last week.

What I do want is to have control over something.  So, Mr and I started back at the gym this last week.  I would like to lose twenty more lbs before we leave for our trip.  I am already down four since the beginning of our cycle... most of that was probably just bloat which is why it came off so fast, but I'll take it lol.  It is going to take some time for me to get back into the swing of things, but I feel like this time around is different.  I know what I need to do to lose weight and think that I am finally in the right mind set to make it happen.  If I can't be pregnant, I can at least be healthy and look good.  I have not been happy with my body for some time now, and know that I need to take charge before it gets out of control.  Not to mention, I want to look awesome in a bathing suit for our trip :)

We have also decided to get moving with some more house projects.  We have the guest room about 90% done so that is first on our list.  It only needs a few minor things so I hope to have it finished with-in the next week or so.

I am also meeting up with a friend tomorrow who is an amazing photographer.  He is going to give me some pointers with my new camera and I am so looking forward to it.

I am happy to have found some things to occupy my thoughts and keep me moving forward.  I will not let this consume me, but some days sure are tough.


etta said...

I won't tell you that 'your time will come' but I will tell you that I'd be angry, too. I don't know that I'd be able to put one foot in front of the other or take my sweatpants off. In light off what has happened, I'm proud of you for moving forward. You and your husband remain in my prayers.

Nestie mah482 from June08!

Jessica said...

Jamie, I'm so sorry this didnt work. I truly know your pain and know how hard it is to even leave the house somedays when everything around reminds you that you dont have a baby. It is sickening and I will never understand why such good people are chosen for such heartbreak sometimes. I just have to keep telling myself that it will happen someday and that is the only hope I have left. We must push through these bumps in the road and not let infertility break us. Good luck on your weight loss goal and your trip. DH and I were supposed to take a trip in April but that has now been canceled and I am really bummed. It was something that took a little part of my mind off TTC and now it's gone :(

Shanny said...

There is nothing I can say that can make anything better. I'm just so sorry. Losing weight sure does the job for me when I need to distract myself so I hope it does the same for you. Big virtual hug.

Tabitha said...

I feel the same way. After IVF#3 failed last month, we have one try left...but I'm not quite ready. I need to feel IN CONTROL of something, we've decided to wait until July to cycle again and in the meantime I'll be doing yoga, acupuncture, massages and the 30day shred! Anything I can to get myslef as healhty as possible!

Jin'sWifey said...

Jamie- You have every right to feel angry/empty etc. You seem to have a good outlook on things..I am glad you are able to find some things to occupy your time..You have a LOT of strength!!!

I wish their was something to say to make you feel better or take your pain away but i know first hand that is not possible..Please, know that i am here for you at anytime you need to talk..Still praying for you!