I've started several posts since last week, but ended up deleting them all. My thoughts are so chaotic and random that I don't know how to get them all out. This morning I figure that getting some of it out has to be better than letting it all swim around in my head. Moving forward has to be better than this standing still.
I don't want to be all melodramatic about this not working, but after waiting so long for this chance I can't help it. And the fact that our snowbabies are likely our last hope doesn't help that either. But then, I don't want to talk about it because I am angry and bitter and sad and well, empty.
I don't want to hear that it happened for a reason or that our time will come. I don't want your offers of carrying a baby for us or that of using your husbands sperm. Yes, I'm serious - it has been offered on more than one occasion in the last week.
What I do want is to have control over something. So, Mr and I started back at the gym this last week. I would like to lose twenty more lbs before we leave for our trip. I am already down four since the beginning of our cycle... most of that was probably just bloat which is why it came off so fast, but I'll take it lol. It is going to take some time for me to get back into the swing of things, but I feel like this time around is different. I know what I need to do to lose weight and think that I am finally in the right mind set to make it happen. If I can't be pregnant, I can at least be healthy and look good. I have not been happy with my body for some time now, and know that I need to take charge before it gets out of control. Not to mention, I want to look awesome in a bathing suit for our trip :)
We have also decided to get moving with some more house projects. We have the guest room about 90% done so that is first on our list. It only needs a few minor things so I hope to have it finished with-in the next week or so.
I am also meeting up with a friend tomorrow who is an amazing photographer. He is going to give me some pointers with my new camera and I am so looking forward to it.
I am happy to have found some things to occupy my thoughts and keep me moving forward. I will not let this consume me, but some days sure are tough.