Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Bahamas...

We need to get away.  We had a pretty good idea of where we wanted to go, and after speaking with our TA our thoughts were confirmed.  Our vacation has been booked!  Bahamas here we come :)

Come May, we will spend 8 days/7 nights here.  I cannot wait!  We visited their resort in Antigua last year and absolutely loved it.  While I would have went back to the same resort again in a heartbeat, we figured we would try out something new.  We just want to be away from it all and not have to think about anything.

And vacation equals bathing suit so, Mr and I have gotten into a pretty good routine at the gym.  Who better to kick your ass into shape than your husband?  I'm sore as hell and loving it :)  I am also easing myself back into running as I know that for me, that is what will really help me get to where I want to be.  My SIL wants me to do this with her the week before we leave.  I'm pretty confident I can be ready for it and it gives me another goal to strive towards.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Moving forward...

I've started several posts since last week, but ended up deleting them all.  My thoughts are so chaotic and random that I don't know how to get them all out.  This morning I figure that getting some of it out has to be better than letting it all swim around in my head.  Moving forward has to be better than this standing still.

I don't want to be all melodramatic about this not working, but after waiting so long for this chance I can't help it.  And the fact that our snowbabies are likely our last hope doesn't help that either.  But then, I don't want to talk about it because I am angry and bitter and sad and well, empty

I don't want to hear that it happened for a reason or that our time will come.  I don't want your offers of carrying a baby for us or that of using your husbands sperm.  Yes, I'm serious - it has been offered on more than one occasion in the last week.

What I do want is to have control over something.  So, Mr and I started back at the gym this last week.  I would like to lose twenty more lbs before we leave for our trip.  I am already down four since the beginning of our cycle... most of that was probably just bloat which is why it came off so fast, but I'll take it lol.  It is going to take some time for me to get back into the swing of things, but I feel like this time around is different.  I know what I need to do to lose weight and think that I am finally in the right mind set to make it happen.  If I can't be pregnant, I can at least be healthy and look good.  I have not been happy with my body for some time now, and know that I need to take charge before it gets out of control.  Not to mention, I want to look awesome in a bathing suit for our trip :)

We have also decided to get moving with some more house projects.  We have the guest room about 90% done so that is first on our list.  It only needs a few minor things so I hope to have it finished with-in the next week or so.

I am also meeting up with a friend tomorrow who is an amazing photographer.  He is going to give me some pointers with my new camera and I am so looking forward to it.

I am happy to have found some things to occupy my thoughts and keep me moving forward.  I will not let this consume me, but some days sure are tough.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Beta...

Yesterday's beta confirmed that this wasn't our cycle.

Waiting for that call was pure torture.  We decided that since we had already tested, I would just take the call whenever it came.  It came while I was home for lunch.  Mr was on his way home from work, so I just waited for him, I wanted to tell him - not call him.  Well, the look on my face when he walked in the door was all it took.  He held me while I cried and with the words, "We have each other and that is all we need," I knew that he was right.  While my heart does ache and I know I will likely shed more tears over the coming days, we will be ok.

We do have five snowbabies that I am grateful for.  But we are not ready to head into a FET just yet.  I think we need some time to heal and clear our heads.  And, we had agreed before this all started that our cycles would be limited, so in all reality - the FET could be our last shot.  That terrifies me.

So, for now we are trying to keep our heads up.  We have decided that a vacation is in order so planning that will give me something to focus on.

I came across this quote today and I think it fits nicely..."Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light..."

Sunday, February 14, 2010

10dp3dt...

10dp3dt = 10 days post 3 day transfer = 13 past O = 2 days until beta = we changed our minds and tested today...

It was negative.  Stark white.  Not a glimmer of a second line in sight.

My breath was instantly taken away.  I was hysterical within seconds.  Mr just held me, while the saddened look in his eyes forced my ugly sobs to worsen.  His whispers that it isn't over just yet helped the tears to subside for moments at a time.  But throughout the day, I found myself wiping the wet from my face, after not even realizing that I had been crying again in the first place.

After showering and another round of ugly, I got dressed and was led out the door by my love.  It is after all, Valentine's Day.  While it wasn't the kind of day that we had dreamed of, we made the most of it.  By keeping me out of the house all day I wasn't able to wallow in the heartbreak and was forced to remember that with Mr by my side I will always be ok.

Walking hand in hand with my love through Olde City Philly,  with the cold wind in our faces and snow covered history all around us was the perfect remedy for our heavy hearts.

We are trying to hold on to hope and praying for a miracle come Tuesday's beta.  I know that it isn't over just yet, but it is so hard to see that light through this current haze of downright fear.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

7dp3dt...

7dp3dt = 7 days post 3 day transfer = 10 past O = 5 days until beta = hello crazy, its nice to meet you...

In the past week, I have only been out of the house three times.  Transfer was last Thursday, so I took it easy that day and the next.  Friday into Saturday we were slammed with snow (we got about two feet).  Sunday we went to my brothers for a bit for the Super Bowl but only stayed for the first half since Mr needed to get to bed (he works at 3am).  Monday and Tuesday I was back to the grind, but then Tuesday night and all of Wednesday we were hit with even more snow which, while its awesome to not be working - its a little less awesome to be snowed in alone all day when you are in the throws of the 2ww.

Honestly, I have no desire to POAS, well yet anyway... the plan is to hold out and wait for beta, but we will see what happens over the weekend.  But being alone with your thoughts and the internet all day do not a sane person make.

Now, lets talk about Endome.trin and Prometri.um for a second.  While I embrace it for the cushy goodness they are to provide for my ute, I would also like to dish them a big screw you for the mindfuck it provides as far as symptoms go.  The side effects of these lovely drugs are also those found in early pregnancy.  So, while my boobs are so f-ing sore that I have only taken my bra off to shower and get changed in the past few days, I am only taking it for what it is right now - a result of the drugs.  I don't want to make myself nuts by playing into symptoms and looking for some kind of sign.

And I am trying not to get my hopes up too much either, because there is no guarantee.  But it is so hard not to be hopeful and smile at the thought of this being it.

Last night I asked Mr if he wants me to take the beta call when it comes or have them leave a voicemail and listen together.  He said he wasn't sure, but the huge smile on his face made be believe that he wants to find out together.  I am thinking that I will ask for a callback after 4 so that we will both be home and can answer the call and speak to the nurse.  Even though I am sure the results will be in well before that, what's a few hours more of waiting so that we can be together to get the news that could change our lives forever?...

Monday, February 8, 2010

Beautiful Blogger Award...

A huge thank you is in order for Lindsey over at My IVF Reality.  She has nominated yours truly for The Beautiful Blogger Award!  Yay!
Lindsey has had a difficult journey through infertility, but after after countless treatments, 2 ivfs, and the loss of three sweet angels... she is now due in September!  I am beyond grateful for all of the support she has shown to me through my own ivf process.  So march on over to her site and follow along on her journey to being a Mom :)

So, here are the rules one needs to follow as a recipient of the Beautiful Blogger Award:

* Thank the person who nominated you (see above)
* Copy the award and paste it to my blog (check)
* Tell 7 interesting facts about your self

1) I have an irrational fear of mice... especially white mice, for no known reason other than they creep.me.out.  ::shudder::

2) I have never drank a cup of coffee.  I have tried sips on several occasions, but it just doesn't do it for me.

3) I am a serious clutz.  I could trip standing still lol.  Mr calls me his ballerina.

4) I despise celery.  The smell alone makes me gag.

5) I chew the inside of my cheek when I am nervous/anxious/stressed/etc.

6) I have some feet issues.  I don't want to see yours, nor have them touch me, and I absolutely do not want you to touch my feet.

7) I love taking pictures but hate being in them.  (I've been having a ton of fun shooting with the new camera Mr got me for Christmas!)

* And lastly, nominate 3 fellow bloggers:

Shanny over at I did, I do, I will is currently in her ivf 2ww

Danielle at Making a lil Redhead is celebrating her bfp from ivf #2!

The lovely Cyndi whose blog is private but absolutely deserves this award :)

So, there ya have it!  Thanks again Lindsey!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

1dp3dt...

1dp3dt = 1 day post 3 day transfer = 4 days past O = 11 days till beta = the madness has begun :)

The transfer yesterday couldn't have gone smoother.  We walked into the office at exactly 9am.  The nurse was actually waiting for us (shocking I know).  She skipped us up the line (office was crazy busy yesterday!) and brought us right back.  I got changed, swallowed the valium and was in the stirrups with the quickness.

The embryologist came in to give us an update of our embabies.  Of the four that were not frozen immediately, all were still growing!  One was a bit behind and may end up being an abnormal, but we decided to keep it for now and see what happens.  So, that leaves us with 5 snowbabies for future use - yay!  She also gave us a picture of the two we would be transferring... 1-7cell and 1-6cell.  The picture quality isn't the best, as it is a picture of a picture, but here they are :)


Mr held my hand and got to finally see the inner happenings of the RE office.  He had us all laughing during the procedure with this gem, "So, this is all I had to do to knock her up?"

After staying reclined for about a 1/2 our, we were on our way with instructions of bedrest for two days.  Mr has taken this instruction much more strictly than I, so I am taking advantage of the TLC and enjoying being spoiled.  He has been amazing.

So, now we wait.  I go for my beta draw on Tuesday 2/16.

Keep fighting and growing little ones - we love you already...

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

ER update...

I've been crazy busy since Monday so I haven't had a chance to get on here and give an ER update.

Our ER was scheduled for 1245pm on Monday.  I don't think they finally knocked me out till close to 2.  I woke up with some pain, but the nurse added some pain meds to my IV and the pain changed to more of a cramping pretty quickly.  They let us know that they retrieved 14 eggs and sent us on our way.

14.  While I know it is a great number, I was honestly a little disappointed.  Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled for what we have, but I was showing so many follies on my scans... what happened?  I know Dr B was afraid of over-stimming me, but I don't know... it is what it it at this point.  I don't mean that to sound ungrateful.

I threw up the whole ride home.  Mr was a serious trooper, I know it couldn't have been easy to drive while listening to me.  I also developed a bit of a fever, but after laying in bed most of the day I was finally feeling human again.

Overall, I feel pretty good. I have been chugging gatorade like a champ and just taking it easy.  I actually managed to lose a pound or two, but you wouldn't know by looking at me.  I seriously look about 5 months pregnant.  The bloat is insane.  I'll have to get a pic up.

Tuesdays Fert Report let us know that 9 of the 14 were mature.  With the help of ICSI, 7 of those fertilized.  It was decided to freeze 3 immediately and have the other 4 fight their way to the top spots :)

As of 9am this morning, we had 1-2cell and 3-3cell embies growing.

Our transfer is scheduled for 930am tomorrow and we have decided to transfer 2.  So, in the meantime, I'll continue to pray that we have 4 rockstars doing their thing right now... grow embies, grow... Momma wants to meet you :)