Wednesday, January 20, 2010


Its day 3 (or I guess night) of stims and so far, so good.  Yeah, it still takes me a bit longer than I would like to mix up the four vials of meds but each night goes a little smoother than the previous one.

I really had myself worked up that first night.  I sat with the needle in my hand for a good twenty minutes before I finally shoved it into my thigh.  I don't know that I was necessarily scared of the needle itself considering that I have been shooting Lupron for the past however many days, but beginning stims made it just a little more real.  This cycle is really happening.  I am developing the follies that could/should/will produce our future children.  

Everyone warns you of the emotional toll that IF and ivf can take on you, and even though you know the stress is coming I honestly don't think that you can really 100% prepare yourself for how it will hit you.  In the pit of my stomach is a ball of excitement, nerves, and scared shitlessness.  And I know that is normal and I knew that it was coming, but for it to actually be here - right now - is another matter.

I think that part of it stems from the wait that we had.  We have known for a little over a year that ivf would be the road we had to travel, but for a million reasons it just wasn't the right time then.  I know that that was the right decision and that overall we needed that wait but, the waiting and waiting and not being able to do anything just plain sucked.  I felt helpless and useless at times.  Some days it was hard to find myself amongst all the crazy.  I was scared of what was to come.

IF changes you... it does not control you (although it can if you let it), but it absolutely changes you.

You see the world differently.
You hear people differently.   
Your thought process changes.
Your sex life changes.
Your eating/drinking habits change.
Your schedule now revolves around blood runs and dildocam visits.
Your emotions are controlled by an abundance of hormones.
The list goes on and on and then on some more.

I recently found this quote by Rosanne Cash that seems fitting, "The key to change... is to let go of fear."  

So, I am attempting to kick fear out the door (or at least hide it in the closet for a bit).  I'm trying hope on for size... I'll let you know how it fits ;)


Christa said...

Here from the IComLeavWe. I'm just a few days ahead of you on my first IVF as well! Good luck to us both!

Shanny said...

I couldn't have written this any better, I agree with the whole thing. I'm excited, I'm scared, I'm living in my own little world and nothing, absolutely nothing seem to be going on around me cause I'm not paying any attention, my life has made a 180 on me.
Still sending you lots of Gl =)

Infertility is the New Black said...

You never want IF treatments to control you but sometimes it does take over your lives. Hello. As 4 year veterans of these processes, we have to admit that it has taken over our lives a certain times. It becomes all we think about and do. We never offer advice becasue it is the last thing IF folks want to hear, but we've got our virtual fingers crossed for you!! Come visit us at Infertility is the New Black for some of our takes on the situation. With love, ITNB.

Jen J. said...

GL...I know exactly what you mean about being excited but scared sh**less at the same time! I really think the mind/body connection is super important in treating IF, so I hope that your positive attitude brings you positive results!!

Melissa said...

Hi! I am here from ICLW and just wanted to wish you luck. I have been where you are and I completely understand and empathize with the scared and excited feelings. I mean this can, scratch that, it will change your entire life! Just know that there are people in your corner rooting for you and will be here no matter what!!!

daega99 said...

I love your attitude.

All the best for this cycle!


The Wright's said...

Beatiful post. I'm wishing you all the best with your IVF round. I'm a fellow PCOSer recovering from a m/c and waiting on a new cycle to start.

I think we should all try hope on for size a little more often!

Good luck!

Just Wishing and Hoping said...

I just started Lupron this week so I am a few weeks behind you. Its so encouraging to be able to watch someone show me the ropes. I totally agree with everything you said. Good luck!

Willow said...

So true--IF changes everything, forever, I think. Also true that IVF feels so BIG that it's breathtaking. Good luck with this cycle!