Its day 3 (or I guess night) of stims and so far, so good. Yeah, it still takes me a bit longer than I would like to mix up the four vials of meds but each night goes a little smoother than the previous one.
I really had myself worked up that first night. I sat with the needle in my hand for a good twenty minutes before I finally shoved it into my thigh. I don't know that I was necessarily scared of the needle itself considering that I have been shooting Lupron for the past however many days, but beginning stims made it just a little more real. This cycle is really happening. I am developing the follies that could/should/will produce our future children.
Everyone warns you of the emotional toll that IF and ivf can take on you, and even though you know the stress is coming I honestly don't think that you can really 100% prepare yourself for how it will hit you. In the pit of my stomach is a ball of excitement, nerves, and scared shitlessness. And I know that is normal and I knew that it was coming, but for it to actually be here - right now - is another matter.
I think that part of it stems from the wait that we had. We have known for a little over a year that ivf would be the road we had to travel, but for a million reasons it just wasn't the right time then. I know that that was the right decision and that overall we needed that wait but, the waiting and waiting and not being able to do anything just plain sucked. I felt helpless and useless at times. Some days it was hard to find myself amongst all the crazy. I was scared of what was to come.
IF changes you... it does not control you (although it can if you let it), but it absolutely changes you.
You see the world differently.
You hear people differently.
Your thought process changes.
Your sex life changes.
Your eating/drinking habits change.
Your schedule now revolves around blood runs and dildocam visits.
Your emotions are controlled by an abundance of hormones.
The list goes on and on and then on some more.
I recently found this quote by Rosanne Cash that seems fitting, "The key to change... is to let go of fear."
So, I am attempting to kick fear out the door (or at least hide it in the closet for a bit). I'm trying hope on for size... I'll let you know how it fits ;)