You know that feeling you get in your stomach... the feeling that something just isn't right.... or something has gone wrong? It eats at the pit of your stomach and you sit wondering what it could be. Has something happened and you just haven't heard about it yet?... Did you forget to do something?
I have felt that way for the past few days and couldn't put a finger on what it was. I began to wonder if maybe I was just sick... some kind of bug or something... but after today I am thinking that it really was just one of those "gut" feelings.
I don't really know where to start or what to say.
Our appointment was today. We argued before we left the house. I don't do well with arguments... especially with The Mr. because he is a clam up and not talk about it kind of person. It drives me batty. The argument was about where we are in this whole process, where we see ourselves going, and how fast we are going to get there. This resulted in a silent car ride to the Dr's.
We get there, check in, and are thankfully taken back very quickly. I step on the scale and want to throw up... I have gained 12... 12!!! lbs since my first IVF consult which was in February of this year (gee, ya think I am a stress eater?... I am heavier now than I have ever been). Then, of course my blood pressure is higher than normal because the stress is just building up. The nurse kindly joked that I shouldn't worry about the bp as RE offices aren't really conducive to calm.
It gets better...
We sit down with Dr. B. and begin going over the latest SA results. Things have gotten worse. (For the IF girls, count is around 2 mil, motility 4%, and morph under 1%). She reiterates that IVFw/ICSI is our best bet. She continues that due to the decreasing numbers we should think about doing it sooner rather than later.
And to make this super day even better... I am on CD 96. She ordered some blood work, gave me a Provera.script and a script for bcp's. Regardless of when we want to start IVF, she wants me to start taking them to keep things under some sort of order.
We haven't talked about the appointment at all. Not even a "well that sucks" moment. Its like we never saw the Dr. at all today.
I want to scream. I want to cry. I want The Mr. to just talk to me.
Why does this have to be so difficult?...