Wednesday, December 2, 2009


You know that feeling you get in your stomach... the feeling that something just isn't right.... or something has gone wrong?  It eats at the pit of your stomach and you sit wondering what it could be.  Has something happened and you just haven't heard about it yet?... Did you forget to do something?

I have felt that way for the past few days and couldn't put a finger on what it was.  I began to wonder if maybe I was just sick... some kind of bug or something... but after today I am thinking that it really was just one of those "gut" feelings.

I don't really know where to start or what to say.

Our appointment was today.  We argued before we left the house.  I don't do well with arguments... especially with The Mr. because he is a clam up and not talk about it kind of person.  It drives me batty.  The argument was about where we are in this whole process, where we see ourselves going, and how fast we are going to get there.  This resulted in a silent car ride to the Dr's.

We get there, check in, and are thankfully taken back very quickly.  I step on the scale and want to throw up... I have gained 12... 12!!! lbs since my first IVF consult which was in February of this year (gee, ya think I am a stress eater?... I am heavier now than I have ever been).  Then, of course my blood pressure is higher than normal because the stress is just building up.  The nurse kindly joked that I shouldn't worry about the bp as RE offices aren't really conducive to calm.

It gets better...

We sit down with Dr. B. and begin going over the latest SA results.  Things have gotten worse.  (For the IF girls, count is around 2 mil, motility 4%, and morph under 1%).  She reiterates that IVFw/ICSI is our best bet.  She continues that due to the decreasing numbers we should think about doing it sooner rather than later.

And to make this super day even better... I am on CD 96.  She ordered some blood work, gave me a Provera.script and a script for bcp's.  Regardless of when we want to start IVF, she wants me to start taking them to keep things under some sort of order.

We haven't talked about the appointment at all.  Not even a "well that sucks" moment.  Its like we never saw the Dr. at all today.

I want to scream.  I want to cry.  I want The Mr. to just talk to me.

Why does this have to be so difficult?...


Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

** Sorry I messed up my original post

I'm really sorry, I know how difficult IF can be on a relationship. When DH and I went for our IVF consult we had a very similar experience.

After meeting with an IF counselor, we decided to put the IVF on hold. It was very difficult for me to the delay the IVF since I so desperately want a baby. But I learned that in order to have the best IVF experience (and hopefully a positive result), we had many issues to work out.

Men and women are very different towards IF, and I have to allow DH to 'catch up' to me in terms of urgency. I really hate waiting for the IVF, but our homelife has been so much better since we made the decision.

I'm not suggesting have to delay IVF too.... but it may be really helpful if you and the Mr. meet with a counselor to talk out all of the issues. I am really skeptical towards counselors but I have to admit that it helped.

IF sucks, but in the end I really believe it will make us stronger. Big hugs.

Hopeful34 said...

Ugh i'm so sorry about the fight and the SA. It just sounds like you are both really stressed out about this whole thing. It happens. The hard part is working through it. You def need to sit down and talk. I'm sure he's feeling really bad about the SA test :(

Hope you works things out soon...

AplusB said...

I'm really sorry you and your hubby are having a hard time communicating about this. I think most men's first reaction is to clam up. Seems pretty common, but not any less frustrating. Hang in there!

Parenthood For Me said...

I hear you about the non communicative type. It makes things all the more difficult when your partner cannot express his (or her) emotions.