Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Torn...

I previously wrote about how we decided to put off "the big cycle" because we had so much going on this year.  Whenever AF decides to show is when we are supposed to get this show on the road.

Through the waiting game that we have played over the past few months, I have found that while I am more and more ready, Mr seems to be less and less ready.  I am so torn as to what to do.

I have used these off months to gather my thoughts and prepare myself for what is next.  I have budgeted, I have come to terms with what the hormones will do to my body, hell - I even have spreadsheets!

Mr seems to have used the time to talk himself out of our previous plan.  And while the points he makes are valid points, they are all things we have discussed before.  They are all things that we found answers to.

Why the change of heart?  Why now?

The funny thing about our conflicting opinions is that AF seems to have taken an extended vacation.  I am on CD68 with no signs of her return.  And oddly, I am ok with her disappearance.  It's almost like she hasn't shown because we have to work this out.  God/nature/whatever you want to believe in, has intervened and given us an opportunity to work this out.  I of could course call in for a Provera script, but I honestly believe that this has to work itself out.

Mr has brought up again the idea of doing an IUI before heading into IVF.  Of course this co-worker, or his friend's wife's cousin, or whoever has given him the story of how they were told it wouldn't happen and then it did.  Everyone hears those stories!  And you know what?... good for them!  I am truely happy that they got their miracle.  But, what was their diagnosis?  What treatments did they try?  What medications were they on?  Of course they give you the happy... and leave out the rest of the story.

If it was just my PCOS, or just his MFI - I would be all for giving IUI a go.  But, the odds just aren't with us.  My gut tells me that IVF is the way to go, but do I give the IUI a try to give Mr peace of mind? Do we spend a few thousand dollars on a chance when we could put that money towards the insane cost of IVF and up our odds?

I know that we will work it out, but knowing that there will be an outcome doesn't make the in-between time an easier.  I just wish there was a clearer path.  This IF road has been tough enough to follow, and now we find ourselves at yet another fork in the road...

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