Monday, November 9, 2009

Guilt...

There aren't many people who know of our struggle.  The few friends that do know have been very supportive.  They check in on me without asking too many questions and let me know that I am free to talk about it all if I feel the need, even if all they can offer in return is a shoulder to lean on.  I am grateful for this... sometimes saying nothing is the best possible response.  Just knowing that they are there is comforting.


One of the first to know was my friend P.  I just kind of burst one day... she sat and listened. She didn't offer any advice, she simply said she was sorry and let me know that she would be there whenever needed.


I will however confess that whenever I see her name on my caller ID, I am anticipating the news that she is pregnant.  While I would be 100% over the moon for her, I know that my heart would ache a bit for myself.  This may seem selfish, but it is honest.  So, when P recently called to chat it up, I braced for the news.  Life has been hectic for both of us and it has been awhile since we have spoken.  I know that she has been TTC and have prepared myself for it... I think I was looking for her news because I could use a little joy in my life - even if that joy is for her and not me.


But... the news didn't come.  We talked about husbands, friends, work, our chaotic lives...


Finally I did one of the things I swore I would never do... one of the things I hate when people do to me - I asked (::hand::forehead::)... "So, how are things going in the baby P department?"


My heart dropped with her response... "We were pregnant but lost the baby."


And I couldn't stop the guilt from rising.  Here I am so concerned about myself and my own feelings, when one of my dearest friends is suffering just as much.  P, I am so sorry... sorry for your loss, for your heartbreak, for my foot-in-mouth comment... I of all people should know better.We all need to remind ourselves that just because someone doesn't understand our situation, doesn't mean that their griefs are any less important.


We all suffer... me from IF, P from her loss, you for any number of reasons... and no one's suffering is greater than anyone else's because our individual hurts are ours to bear... and while we are feeling the pain we can't imagine that anyone else could be feeling as low as we do.  But, they can... and sadly they do.


No comments: