Monday, November 30, 2009

Waiting...

Why is everything IF related all a bunch of hurry up and wait?  And I know its only going to get worse once our cycle really starts... waiting to finish bcps... waiting to start injects... waiting to trigger... waiting to transfer... and of course the dreaded two week wait... ugh!


The Mr's repeat SA appointment isn't until 2pm today... since its in the afternoon, we probably won't have the results until tomorrow... so, the waiting continues...

Friday, November 27, 2009

Thanksgiving...

While nothing seems to have gone as planned this year, I really do have so much to be thankful for.  I have the most amazing friends and family who have been nothing short of wonderful.   I have an awesome job that has been more than accommodating to all the appointments I have had.  And most importantly, I have the best husband a girl could ever ask for!


Hoping everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!
xo

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Men...

Men!  After more pestering from me, The Mr finally scheduled his SA.

He was able to get a Monday afternoon appointment which works out perfectly.  We should have the results by Tuesday and Dr. B will have them for our consult Wednesday.

I'm getting excited!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Consult...

Well, our new consult has been scheduled! (wooo!)

Next Wednesday, December 2nd, we will meet with Dr. B yet again to make a "real" decision.

I am waiting for a call-back right now in regards to the repeat SA.  I didn't have it in me to argue with the nurse that we need it before our new consult... she said we would get it done after the consult which totally defeats the purpose of our visit (am I wrong?)... but, anywho, I am waiting for a call from Dr. B to ask if she will please order it for us so that the findings will help us know which direction to go.

If you could please cross your fingers and hope that Dr. B understands what we are trying to accomplish and orders the test for us, I would really appreciate it.


ETA:  Dr. B ordered the test!  Now I just need The Mr. to actually schedule it :)

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Decision...

We finally talked it out...

Seeing as I am on CD87, it is not very likely that AF is going to show on her own.  I was really trying to hold out... to have control over this one last thing... but I am throwing in the towel.

We made the decision that come Monday morning I will call in and schedule an appointment for a new consultation.  It has been more than six months since we last spoke to the Dr. and I think that rehashing some aspects of our case will do us both some good.  The main thing will be to request a repeat SA.  If the results come back for the better, than we will lean towards an IUI cycle... but if there is no change then we will give IVF the green light.

The being in limbo was really starting to wear me down.  I was feeling lost.  When dealing with IF there are so few things that you are actually in control of and it is easy to lose yourself in the chaos.  I feel so much better just knowing that we have a plan.

So, heres to hoping that Monday is finally a step in the right direction...

ICLW...

To all those visiting via November's ICLW... hello!

A little background... after a dx of PCOS and MFI, we have spent the last few months trying to decide if we should move forward with out first IVF cycle.

I have found this blog to be a great source to vent out my frustrations and try to make some sense of the rambling that chatters in my head.

Sooo... thank you for taking the time to visit and read a little about the world of being jamie lynn.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Girl on Top...

Catchy, no?... now get your mind out of the gutter!

A friend of mine passed along some info for a Girls Night Out of sorts... I have not read the book (yet), but wanted to pass along the info in case anyone else was interested :)

In promotion of the new book Girl On Top, Nicole Williams, the author has partnered up with The Limited for a night of networking, shopping, and cocktails:
"Meet Nicole and mingle with fellow GOT's when the Girl on Top tour hits your area! We'll be coming to The Limited near you (the perfect place to load up on power suits, pencil skirts, and all your business chic attire), bringing runway shows, private sales, and networking parties along with us! Oh, and cocktails. Lots of ‘em. Don't miss it!"

 About the book:
"Congratulations! You’ve just found yourself a book that will actually change your career—one that skips the bullshit and provides relevant, honest advice you can use. (Who cares what color your parachute is, anyway?) In Girl on Top, career expert Nicole Williams takes 20 tried-and-true dating rules you know (and have probably used) such as "Play Hard to Get" and "Don’t Give Away the Milk for Free"—and shows you how to put them to use when the object of your affection is your job. With her ingenious approach—taking the tactics used to land a man and applying them to your career—you’ll be able to handle any work situation and come out on top. Finally, the advice no one else has been willing to tell you, right at your fingertips!"


From the author:
"Just like our tendency is to throw out the rule book and call, and call, and call, and call the super hot dude you can’t help but imagine is “the one,” you’re going to come across the job, the boss, the client you can’t imagine yourself living without, and it’s exactly here where you need play the game. Finding, catching, and building a relationship with a beau simply isn’t so different from finding, catching, and building a relationship with a boss... And for those of you who think you’re above playing games in love or in career, good for you... have fun in the mailroom."
-Nicole Williams, Girl on Top

So, if you live in the Cherry Hill, NJ, Washington DC, or Toronto areas, visit here to sign yourself up for a fun night out!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Meltdown...

Saturday I woke up to someone knocking on the door. The Mr. was off at a ToysForTots event and I very content to just stay snuggled in bed and ignore the knock... but then they knocked again... and again... so I finally rolled out of bed, threw my hair in a ponytail along the way and opened the door.


I.got.served. Mother effer!


I was in an accident almost 2 years ago (yes, almost... had it been the full 2 then it would have all been over, ugh!). I am just now being asked to testify. The laws of physics easily prove that I was in no way at fault, but that's a story for another day...


I threw out a death look, signed for the papers, closed the door... and burst into tears. Major meltdown ensued. Uncontrollable sobbing, snot faucet, gagging, and eventually a minor asthma attack... it was ugly. I managed to call Mr. who thinks that surely someone must have died for me to be this upset. I blurt out what happened between sobs and continue to whail like its the end of the world... he tried to calm me - this is nothing to be upset over - the lawyers will handle it - I did nothing wrong... but the crying continues.


And it hit me that I am not crying over the papers. The papers were just the thing that pushed me over the edge. All the stress, all the frustration, all the heartache of the past year was finally pouring out. So, I let myself cry it out. I crawled back into bed to watch a movie and cried some more. And then I forced myself into the shower... where I cried a bit more.


I could have easily stayed indoors all day as Saturday continued to be the umpteenth day of rain here, but then my mom called and asked if I was interested in meeting her and my dad at the movies. It was the perfect cure... I would be out of the house but could still sit in the dark and lose myself in someone else's world.


I came out of the movies feeling much better. I know that I can't continue to keep it all in... its not healthy and does me absolutely no good. Mr and I talked through some things later that night and realized that we have both been on the verge and taking it out on each other. While it was an ugly ugly morning, I think I needed that release to wake me up, clean me out, and open me up to a new day...


A funny thing... Sunday we woke up to blue skies and warm weather... the rain had finally passed...

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Jealousy...

In the sad bitter world of IF, we all compare our journeys, whether out loud or in our own minds... from meds, to injectibles, to iui's, to ivf, to donors, to adoption.  And whatever stage you are on, you think that someone who is at a "lower" stage couldn't understand the suffering of someone doing more advanced treatments.  Jealousy abounds even though it is hardly discussed.  Sure, the torture over a friend or family member annoucning their pregnancy is discussed daily... but I am talking about the jealousy we have over one another.  Ivfers feel a stab when an iuier gets their positive... iuiers from medicated cycles... etc...  "It's not fair, we took those steps too, why didn't we get our positive?  Why are we still on this ugly road?"


And then, another blogger (and I am so sorry that I can't remember who) pointed out something along the lines of, where you are in your journey is your own personal low... and that low is just as great no matter what stage you are on.

How very true.  Just because someone isn't on the path that I am on, doesn't mean that their journey is an easier to navigate.

I also find that friends and family are sometimes scared to share their joy, because they are afraid of upsetting us bitter bettys.  Fellow IF sufferers post their bfp's with a warning so that we are not hurt.  They hide their joy for fear of crushing us and well, that just isn't fair to them. 

I know that there will always be that odd "moment" when I hear someone else's news, yes I am thrilled for them, but I am also sad for me... but with their happiness comes hope, and hope is always something to be open to...

Monday, November 9, 2009

Guilt...

There aren't many people who know of our struggle.  The few friends that do know have been very supportive.  They check in on me without asking too many questions and let me know that I am free to talk about it all if I feel the need, even if all they can offer in return is a shoulder to lean on.  I am grateful for this... sometimes saying nothing is the best possible response.  Just knowing that they are there is comforting.


One of the first to know was my friend P.  I just kind of burst one day... she sat and listened. She didn't offer any advice, she simply said she was sorry and let me know that she would be there whenever needed.


I will however confess that whenever I see her name on my caller ID, I am anticipating the news that she is pregnant.  While I would be 100% over the moon for her, I know that my heart would ache a bit for myself.  This may seem selfish, but it is honest.  So, when P recently called to chat it up, I braced for the news.  Life has been hectic for both of us and it has been awhile since we have spoken.  I know that she has been TTC and have prepared myself for it... I think I was looking for her news because I could use a little joy in my life - even if that joy is for her and not me.


But... the news didn't come.  We talked about husbands, friends, work, our chaotic lives...


Finally I did one of the things I swore I would never do... one of the things I hate when people do to me - I asked (::hand::forehead::)... "So, how are things going in the baby P department?"


My heart dropped with her response... "We were pregnant but lost the baby."


And I couldn't stop the guilt from rising.  Here I am so concerned about myself and my own feelings, when one of my dearest friends is suffering just as much.  P, I am so sorry... sorry for your loss, for your heartbreak, for my foot-in-mouth comment... I of all people should know better.We all need to remind ourselves that just because someone doesn't understand our situation, doesn't mean that their griefs are any less important.


We all suffer... me from IF, P from her loss, you for any number of reasons... and no one's suffering is greater than anyone else's because our individual hurts are ours to bear... and while we are feeling the pain we can't imagine that anyone else could be feeling as low as we do.  But, they can... and sadly they do.


Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Torn...

I previously wrote about how we decided to put off "the big cycle" because we had so much going on this year.  Whenever AF decides to show is when we are supposed to get this show on the road.

Through the waiting game that we have played over the past few months, I have found that while I am more and more ready, Mr seems to be less and less ready.  I am so torn as to what to do.

I have used these off months to gather my thoughts and prepare myself for what is next.  I have budgeted, I have come to terms with what the hormones will do to my body, hell - I even have spreadsheets!

Mr seems to have used the time to talk himself out of our previous plan.  And while the points he makes are valid points, they are all things we have discussed before.  They are all things that we found answers to.

Why the change of heart?  Why now?

The funny thing about our conflicting opinions is that AF seems to have taken an extended vacation.  I am on CD68 with no signs of her return.  And oddly, I am ok with her disappearance.  It's almost like she hasn't shown because we have to work this out.  God/nature/whatever you want to believe in, has intervened and given us an opportunity to work this out.  I of could course call in for a Provera script, but I honestly believe that this has to work itself out.

Mr has brought up again the idea of doing an IUI before heading into IVF.  Of course this co-worker, or his friend's wife's cousin, or whoever has given him the story of how they were told it wouldn't happen and then it did.  Everyone hears those stories!  And you know what?... good for them!  I am truely happy that they got their miracle.  But, what was their diagnosis?  What treatments did they try?  What medications were they on?  Of course they give you the happy... and leave out the rest of the story.

If it was just my PCOS, or just his MFI - I would be all for giving IUI a go.  But, the odds just aren't with us.  My gut tells me that IVF is the way to go, but do I give the IUI a try to give Mr peace of mind? Do we spend a few thousand dollars on a chance when we could put that money towards the insane cost of IVF and up our odds?

I know that we will work it out, but knowing that there will be an outcome doesn't make the in-between time an easier.  I just wish there was a clearer path.  This IF road has been tough enough to follow, and now we find ourselves at yet another fork in the road...

Monday, November 2, 2009

Time...

... it sure does fly by.

The Mr and I met in the summer.  I was just 17, he was 20... I had just graduated high school, he was living up the college life.  But, from the instant we met, it all just kind of clicked, different lives heading in opposite directions and yet we knew, even at that young age that we were meant to be.

This time of year always makes me look back and smile.  We have come a long way over the past ten years.  Together we have learned to love, learned to grow, learned to live...  The road has been less than easy for the two of us, but we have managed to find the way together.

My smiles for this time of year stem mainly from the celebration of my love's birthday and also for the anniversary of our engagement.  Now, I know that most people do not dwell on anniversary's such as these, but for me these two events go hand in hand.

We live just outside of Philly and always enjoy ourselves when make the trip over the bridge.  I love visiting the historic sites... they fascinate me and I never get bored.  So, two years ago we decided to celebrate Mr's birthday in the city.  We did the touristy thing in Olde City all day, shopped in Center City and relaxed over an amazing meal at one of our favorite restaurants.

After dinner, Mr suggested a walk around Penns Landing to end the night.  I thought his was a horrible idea... I was tired and full and thought going home was a much better option... but he insisted so off we went.  The water there at night is beautiful to watch and the Philadelphia skyline provides the perfect back-drop.  We walked for awhile and then stopped to take it all in.  After a bit, Mr turned to me and uttered the words that forever changed our lives...

Him: "Well, it's about that time..."
Me:  "Time for what?"
Him:  "You know, its time..."
Me:  "What the hell are you talking about?"

Finally, he got down on one knee (oooh, time for that) and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him.  When I finally caught my breath I of course said YES!  Our families were waiting to help us celebrate the engagement that was eight years in the making.  We laughed, I cried, and I admit that at one point I threw-up from all the excitement.

Mr's birthday will forever remind me of the night we got engaged and he will never live down his big-question opening line.  This year, re-telling the story brought me the smile that has been doing more and more hiding lately.  I enjoy sharing our engagement story with others... the reactions are always fun to watch/hear... and sharing a smile is always a good thing :)

So with that, Happy Birthday Love... I love you and I wouldn't trade our story for any other...