Monday, September 14, 2009

Fear...

Becoming pregnant is supposed to fun. You are supposed to enjoy the act of the making and embrace the nine months of baking. And yet I find myself scared. This has to work. There is no other choice. Yes, I will plant a smile on my face no matter the outcome because thats how I am... but the reality is that if we subject ourselves to these treatments and are then left with nothing, it will tear me apart.

While my thoughts continue to consume me and my fear threatens to take control, I find my heart breaking not only for myself.

This past week, I learned that a friend of mine has miscarried. I am so overwhemingly sad for her. It just isn't fair...

Another friend is cautiously expecting. She has suffered three losses in the past and while she should be thrilled that she is pregnant, she is instead scared... she is afraid to share the news, she is afraid to be excited, she is afraid to simply hope...

Why do horrible things happen to good people?.. Why does the joy of becoming a parent get to be taken from someone who wants nothing more than to love a child?.. There are too many why's and not enough answers.

Some days simply suck... and today is one of them. Trying to find the silver lining but today I just can't seem to locate the glimmer...

1 comment:

etta said...

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you! I really hope that things go well. And if they don't, it is perfectly all right to not be okay.