Thursday, September 24, 2009

Blank...

I haven't written because I don't really know where my thoughts are.

We have known since the beginning of the year that this is the path we would have to take. We knew that the day would come when it would be the time to move forward with the plan we didn't want to have to follow. But over the past nine months (can you say irony), there have been so many things that made us delay the inevitable and prevented us from moving forward...

We finally took our honeymoon
We wanted to be sure we were financially ready
We needed to be emotionally ready
We had five (yes five) weddings to get through
We were hoping for a miracle...

And now that the days are becoming fewer, I suddenly find myself blank. I don't know what I feel or how I should feel. Yes, I know that there is no right or wrong answer but shouldn't I feel something? I was anxious, I was nervous, I was excited... now I am just, I don't know, here...

Monday, September 14, 2009

Fear...

Becoming pregnant is supposed to fun. You are supposed to enjoy the act of the making and embrace the nine months of baking. And yet I find myself scared. This has to work. There is no other choice. Yes, I will plant a smile on my face no matter the outcome because thats how I am... but the reality is that if we subject ourselves to these treatments and are then left with nothing, it will tear me apart.

While my thoughts continue to consume me and my fear threatens to take control, I find my heart breaking not only for myself.

This past week, I learned that a friend of mine has miscarried. I am so overwhemingly sad for her. It just isn't fair...

Another friend is cautiously expecting. She has suffered three losses in the past and while she should be thrilled that she is pregnant, she is instead scared... she is afraid to share the news, she is afraid to be excited, she is afraid to simply hope...

Why do horrible things happen to good people?.. Why does the joy of becoming a parent get to be taken from someone who wants nothing more than to love a child?.. There are too many why's and not enough answers.

Some days simply suck... and today is one of them. Trying to find the silver lining but today I just can't seem to locate the glimmer...

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Generosity...

Sometimes the kindness of a complete stranger can be overwhelming.

I found an amazing group of women online who are all having TTTC. While I would never wish infertility on my worst enemy, it is reassuring to have a place to go where people "get it". Some stories are heartbreaking, but when the happy ones come along filled with healthy pregnancys resulting in beautiful babies... you can't help but to keep your own faith.

Two of these amazing women have generously donated medication to me... medication never used during their IVF cycles... medication that would cost us thousands of dollars... medication from women whom I have never met in person... delivered to me no questions asked.

I can't help but to believe that the love and generosity that comes with doing such an amazing deed will somehow help us that much more on our journey. There aren't enough thanks for what you have done for me... I can only hope that one day I can pay it forward.