Thursday, December 31, 2009

2009...

While, things surely could have been a lot better this year, I really do have a lot to be thankful for.  Courtesy of fb, here are a few of my favorite moments from 2009...


I'm looking forward to the new year and new beginnings.  Happy New Year everyone!  Wishing you all "positive" things ;) xo

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Blonde Moment...

Last night I decided to go thru my meds yet again, I have been thru them at least a dozen times, and had a major blonde moment... yes, you can laugh at me.

I have no syringes!!!  Well, the Lupron has them in its box, but as for the Menopur and Bravelle - nada - just the Q-caps.  I totally wasn't thinking.  My meds were donated (I can never say thank you enough!!!) so syringes/needles are something I have to get.

I know it won't be an issue, I will call my clinic in the am, but hello... common sense Jam...

This three-day weekend couldn't have come at a better time :)

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Injects Class..

I just got off the phone with the ivf nurse and we are officially scheduled for our injects class.  Next Monday at 2 we will learn the ins and outs of shooting me up.  I will be doing the Long Lupron Protocol with Bravelle and Menopur.  My box of meds has been sitting patiently at home waiting to be put to use.

Mr is getting a major kick out of this.  He thinks its hysterical that he gets to "stab me in the ass."  Sweet isnt he? 

For the first few shots I'm thinking I will definitely want his assistance.  But I am hoping that after the initial shock of having to stick my body with several needles a day, I will be able to administer them myself without any problems.

I am looking forward to the class as it is another step towards making our dreams a reality :)

Monday, December 28, 2009

My Stomach...

Since starting bcp's my stomach hasn't been the same.  I don't know if it is the pills themselves or my nerves or what... but something is up.

I'm not hungry.  I have been forcing myself to eat, but after a few bites I am literally forcing it.  Even just trying to snack on small things doesn't seem to be working.  And then I get nauseous or I get heartburn.  Super fun.

This is a good and bad thing all rolled into one.  Bad for the obvious... I need to eat.  Good because, well Fatty McFattass here needs to lose a few lbs ;)

Recap...

Its amazing how quickly the holiday flew by.  So... for a quick recap...

Christmas was wonderful.  The time spent with our families was great.  We shared a lot of laughs, exchanged some great gifts, and ate way too much food :)  My youngest nephew is four, so he was a joy to watch this year.  He was so excited about everything and it helped keep my spirits up.

As for the awesome gift that Mr was hinting towards?...  Meet my new love :)


It is perfect.  I recently discovered how much I really love photography and am actually (dare I say it) pretty good for just beginning.  I am so looking forward to learning more and putting this camera to good use :)

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Internetless...

I have been without internet since Wednesday... talk about withdraw!  So, this leaves me with lots of catching up to do.   Updates will follow shortly.

Hoping everyone had an amazing holiday :)

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Congestion...

From a cold, to the flu, to several bouts with bronchitis that sent this asthmatic to the ER... it never fails, I have been sick for Christmas every year, for as long as I can remember.  No matter what precautions I have taken, this time of year always seems to kick my ass in the health department.

Mr was sick last week and I really thought that I had beat it.  His cold or whatever it was, was not going to get me.  I should have known better.

It totally blindsided me yesterday.  This congestion is awful, I would like nothing more than to drill a hole into my sinuses.  I have taken more cold medicine in the past 24 hours than is probably recommended, but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

I have a hot date with a shot of N.yquil tonight and am hoping tomorrow I am able to once again breathe out of my nose.

I will not be sick for Christmas!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Black hole...

Target, well... its like a black hole.  You go in for shampoo and 2 hours and a hundred bucks later you wonder what the hell you just bought.

I went a little nuts there today.  I went to pick up something that I had been meaning to get for my niece, and came home with several things for her and more items for each of my three nephews.

And as I showed Mr all of the things that I just had to get for them, I realized that I had to have these gifts because buying for them and making them happy, makes not having a child of my own a little less painful right now.

I know that Christmas Eve and Day are going to be a bit tougher than I have prepared myself for, but seeing the joy on my nephews' and niece's faces will help, even if just a little, to heal the ache...

Sunday, December 20, 2009

bcp...

Took my first pill tonight...

This show is officially on the road :)

Friday, December 18, 2009

Gift giving..

Christmas was always such a happy time growing up and I think my parents love for the holiday really rubbed off on me.  Christmas music was always playing... my moms decorating is magazine worthy... the cookies and food... the wonder of it all! 

And thinking of all those happy moments has really helped me keep my head up this holiday season.  I have been driving Mr nuts with my endless Christmas music collection... our tree was up extra early... and the gifts that have already been purchased are wrapped and waiting under the tree.

I LOVE gift giving! I love finding the perfect something for those special someones in our lives and seeing their joy when they open said gifts makes me giddy.  And wrapping - I love that too! Pretty paper, fancy ribbon, fun!  Yes, I am a dork

I take it upon myself to do all of the shopping for Mr and myself (he gets frustrated too easily). I buy for both familes and he, well... he just has to buy for me.  Now, One would think that buying for one person would be a whole lot easier than buying for two whole familes... but sadly, One would be wrong.  He usually repeatedly asks what I would want, and I tell him I really don't care (because I honestly don't) and that he can figure something out on his own.

So, imagine my surprise when this morning he sends me an excited text that he found my Christmas gift!  I haven't made any suggestions, my man-child did it all on his own!

We were going to do a small Christmas this year.  With the cycle drawing near and talks of planning a vacation, we thought it best to keep it small.  But aparently he changed his mind.  I assumed that since it was a "larger" gift that it would be for both of us, but he swears its just for me... 

So now, I am going nuts trying to figure out what it could possibly be!  I don't do well with surprises... well I love surprises but not the kind that you know are coming... does that make sense? 

Well, I'm off to finish our shopping!  Wish me luck - I know its going to be nuts out there :)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Hallelujah!..

AF is finally here! (with some wicked cramps)... After a 108 day cycle I am so excited... 

And this means that I can start bcp's come Sunday! 

Only on this crazy rollercoaster would someone be happy to be getting their period and starting bcp's!

Yay - this show is finally going somewhere :)

Monday, December 7, 2009

The Talk...

We finally had "the talk" this weekend.

It took everything in me to stay calm and quiet and just give him some time to process it all.  I know that he needed to get his thoughts straight and since he isn't a "talk your thoughts out" kind of person, I just rolled with it for a few days.

Saturday night I couldn't hold it any longer and asked if we were going to talk about what happened on Wednesday.  He caved and admitted that while he isn't afraid of moving forward with ivf, he is scared of what happens if it doesn't work.  I am petrified of this too I assured him.

We agreed that we have to try to say we gave it our all.  I will start bcp's whenever AF shows (currently taking Provera).  We are undecided as to if we will start cycling at the end of the first pack or if I will continue them for another month, but I am thrilled to say that we will finally be getting this show on the road in either January or February!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Appointment...

You know that feeling you get in your stomach... the feeling that something just isn't right.... or something has gone wrong?  It eats at the pit of your stomach and you sit wondering what it could be.  Has something happened and you just haven't heard about it yet?... Did you forget to do something?

I have felt that way for the past few days and couldn't put a finger on what it was.  I began to wonder if maybe I was just sick... some kind of bug or something... but after today I am thinking that it really was just one of those "gut" feelings.

I don't really know where to start or what to say.

Our appointment was today.  We argued before we left the house.  I don't do well with arguments... especially with The Mr. because he is a clam up and not talk about it kind of person.  It drives me batty.  The argument was about where we are in this whole process, where we see ourselves going, and how fast we are going to get there.  This resulted in a silent car ride to the Dr's.

We get there, check in, and are thankfully taken back very quickly.  I step on the scale and want to throw up... I have gained 12... 12!!! lbs since my first IVF consult which was in February of this year (gee, ya think I am a stress eater?... I am heavier now than I have ever been).  Then, of course my blood pressure is higher than normal because the stress is just building up.  The nurse kindly joked that I shouldn't worry about the bp as RE offices aren't really conducive to calm.

It gets better...

We sit down with Dr. B. and begin going over the latest SA results.  Things have gotten worse.  (For the IF girls, count is around 2 mil, motility 4%, and morph under 1%).  She reiterates that IVFw/ICSI is our best bet.  She continues that due to the decreasing numbers we should think about doing it sooner rather than later.

And to make this super day even better... I am on CD 96.  She ordered some blood work, gave me a Provera.script and a script for bcp's.  Regardless of when we want to start IVF, she wants me to start taking them to keep things under some sort of order.

We haven't talked about the appointment at all.  Not even a "well that sucks" moment.  Its like we never saw the Dr. at all today.

I want to scream.  I want to cry.  I want The Mr. to just talk to me.

Why does this have to be so difficult?...

Monday, November 30, 2009

Waiting...

Why is everything IF related all a bunch of hurry up and wait?  And I know its only going to get worse once our cycle really starts... waiting to finish bcps... waiting to start injects... waiting to trigger... waiting to transfer... and of course the dreaded two week wait... ugh!


The Mr's repeat SA appointment isn't until 2pm today... since its in the afternoon, we probably won't have the results until tomorrow... so, the waiting continues...

Friday, November 27, 2009

Thanksgiving...

While nothing seems to have gone as planned this year, I really do have so much to be thankful for.  I have the most amazing friends and family who have been nothing short of wonderful.   I have an awesome job that has been more than accommodating to all the appointments I have had.  And most importantly, I have the best husband a girl could ever ask for!


Hoping everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!
xo

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Men...

Men!  After more pestering from me, The Mr finally scheduled his SA.

He was able to get a Monday afternoon appointment which works out perfectly.  We should have the results by Tuesday and Dr. B will have them for our consult Wednesday.

I'm getting excited!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Consult...

Well, our new consult has been scheduled! (wooo!)

Next Wednesday, December 2nd, we will meet with Dr. B yet again to make a "real" decision.

I am waiting for a call-back right now in regards to the repeat SA.  I didn't have it in me to argue with the nurse that we need it before our new consult... she said we would get it done after the consult which totally defeats the purpose of our visit (am I wrong?)... but, anywho, I am waiting for a call from Dr. B to ask if she will please order it for us so that the findings will help us know which direction to go.

If you could please cross your fingers and hope that Dr. B understands what we are trying to accomplish and orders the test for us, I would really appreciate it.


ETA:  Dr. B ordered the test!  Now I just need The Mr. to actually schedule it :)

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Decision...

We finally talked it out...

Seeing as I am on CD87, it is not very likely that AF is going to show on her own.  I was really trying to hold out... to have control over this one last thing... but I am throwing in the towel.

We made the decision that come Monday morning I will call in and schedule an appointment for a new consultation.  It has been more than six months since we last spoke to the Dr. and I think that rehashing some aspects of our case will do us both some good.  The main thing will be to request a repeat SA.  If the results come back for the better, than we will lean towards an IUI cycle... but if there is no change then we will give IVF the green light.

The being in limbo was really starting to wear me down.  I was feeling lost.  When dealing with IF there are so few things that you are actually in control of and it is easy to lose yourself in the chaos.  I feel so much better just knowing that we have a plan.

So, heres to hoping that Monday is finally a step in the right direction...

ICLW...

To all those visiting via November's ICLW... hello!

A little background... after a dx of PCOS and MFI, we have spent the last few months trying to decide if we should move forward with out first IVF cycle.

I have found this blog to be a great source to vent out my frustrations and try to make some sense of the rambling that chatters in my head.

Sooo... thank you for taking the time to visit and read a little about the world of being jamie lynn.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Girl on Top...

Catchy, no?... now get your mind out of the gutter!

A friend of mine passed along some info for a Girls Night Out of sorts... I have not read the book (yet), but wanted to pass along the info in case anyone else was interested :)

In promotion of the new book Girl On Top, Nicole Williams, the author has partnered up with The Limited for a night of networking, shopping, and cocktails:
"Meet Nicole and mingle with fellow GOT's when the Girl on Top tour hits your area! We'll be coming to The Limited near you (the perfect place to load up on power suits, pencil skirts, and all your business chic attire), bringing runway shows, private sales, and networking parties along with us! Oh, and cocktails. Lots of ‘em. Don't miss it!"

 About the book:
"Congratulations! You’ve just found yourself a book that will actually change your career—one that skips the bullshit and provides relevant, honest advice you can use. (Who cares what color your parachute is, anyway?) In Girl on Top, career expert Nicole Williams takes 20 tried-and-true dating rules you know (and have probably used) such as "Play Hard to Get" and "Don’t Give Away the Milk for Free"—and shows you how to put them to use when the object of your affection is your job. With her ingenious approach—taking the tactics used to land a man and applying them to your career—you’ll be able to handle any work situation and come out on top. Finally, the advice no one else has been willing to tell you, right at your fingertips!"


From the author:
"Just like our tendency is to throw out the rule book and call, and call, and call, and call the super hot dude you can’t help but imagine is “the one,” you’re going to come across the job, the boss, the client you can’t imagine yourself living without, and it’s exactly here where you need play the game. Finding, catching, and building a relationship with a beau simply isn’t so different from finding, catching, and building a relationship with a boss... And for those of you who think you’re above playing games in love or in career, good for you... have fun in the mailroom."
-Nicole Williams, Girl on Top

So, if you live in the Cherry Hill, NJ, Washington DC, or Toronto areas, visit here to sign yourself up for a fun night out!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Meltdown...

Saturday I woke up to someone knocking on the door. The Mr. was off at a ToysForTots event and I very content to just stay snuggled in bed and ignore the knock... but then they knocked again... and again... so I finally rolled out of bed, threw my hair in a ponytail along the way and opened the door.


I.got.served. Mother effer!


I was in an accident almost 2 years ago (yes, almost... had it been the full 2 then it would have all been over, ugh!). I am just now being asked to testify. The laws of physics easily prove that I was in no way at fault, but that's a story for another day...


I threw out a death look, signed for the papers, closed the door... and burst into tears. Major meltdown ensued. Uncontrollable sobbing, snot faucet, gagging, and eventually a minor asthma attack... it was ugly. I managed to call Mr. who thinks that surely someone must have died for me to be this upset. I blurt out what happened between sobs and continue to whail like its the end of the world... he tried to calm me - this is nothing to be upset over - the lawyers will handle it - I did nothing wrong... but the crying continues.


And it hit me that I am not crying over the papers. The papers were just the thing that pushed me over the edge. All the stress, all the frustration, all the heartache of the past year was finally pouring out. So, I let myself cry it out. I crawled back into bed to watch a movie and cried some more. And then I forced myself into the shower... where I cried a bit more.


I could have easily stayed indoors all day as Saturday continued to be the umpteenth day of rain here, but then my mom called and asked if I was interested in meeting her and my dad at the movies. It was the perfect cure... I would be out of the house but could still sit in the dark and lose myself in someone else's world.


I came out of the movies feeling much better. I know that I can't continue to keep it all in... its not healthy and does me absolutely no good. Mr and I talked through some things later that night and realized that we have both been on the verge and taking it out on each other. While it was an ugly ugly morning, I think I needed that release to wake me up, clean me out, and open me up to a new day...


A funny thing... Sunday we woke up to blue skies and warm weather... the rain had finally passed...

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Jealousy...

In the sad bitter world of IF, we all compare our journeys, whether out loud or in our own minds... from meds, to injectibles, to iui's, to ivf, to donors, to adoption.  And whatever stage you are on, you think that someone who is at a "lower" stage couldn't understand the suffering of someone doing more advanced treatments.  Jealousy abounds even though it is hardly discussed.  Sure, the torture over a friend or family member annoucning their pregnancy is discussed daily... but I am talking about the jealousy we have over one another.  Ivfers feel a stab when an iuier gets their positive... iuiers from medicated cycles... etc...  "It's not fair, we took those steps too, why didn't we get our positive?  Why are we still on this ugly road?"


And then, another blogger (and I am so sorry that I can't remember who) pointed out something along the lines of, where you are in your journey is your own personal low... and that low is just as great no matter what stage you are on.

How very true.  Just because someone isn't on the path that I am on, doesn't mean that their journey is an easier to navigate.

I also find that friends and family are sometimes scared to share their joy, because they are afraid of upsetting us bitter bettys.  Fellow IF sufferers post their bfp's with a warning so that we are not hurt.  They hide their joy for fear of crushing us and well, that just isn't fair to them. 

I know that there will always be that odd "moment" when I hear someone else's news, yes I am thrilled for them, but I am also sad for me... but with their happiness comes hope, and hope is always something to be open to...

Monday, November 9, 2009

Guilt...

There aren't many people who know of our struggle.  The few friends that do know have been very supportive.  They check in on me without asking too many questions and let me know that I am free to talk about it all if I feel the need, even if all they can offer in return is a shoulder to lean on.  I am grateful for this... sometimes saying nothing is the best possible response.  Just knowing that they are there is comforting.


One of the first to know was my friend P.  I just kind of burst one day... she sat and listened. She didn't offer any advice, she simply said she was sorry and let me know that she would be there whenever needed.


I will however confess that whenever I see her name on my caller ID, I am anticipating the news that she is pregnant.  While I would be 100% over the moon for her, I know that my heart would ache a bit for myself.  This may seem selfish, but it is honest.  So, when P recently called to chat it up, I braced for the news.  Life has been hectic for both of us and it has been awhile since we have spoken.  I know that she has been TTC and have prepared myself for it... I think I was looking for her news because I could use a little joy in my life - even if that joy is for her and not me.


But... the news didn't come.  We talked about husbands, friends, work, our chaotic lives...


Finally I did one of the things I swore I would never do... one of the things I hate when people do to me - I asked (::hand::forehead::)... "So, how are things going in the baby P department?"


My heart dropped with her response... "We were pregnant but lost the baby."


And I couldn't stop the guilt from rising.  Here I am so concerned about myself and my own feelings, when one of my dearest friends is suffering just as much.  P, I am so sorry... sorry for your loss, for your heartbreak, for my foot-in-mouth comment... I of all people should know better.We all need to remind ourselves that just because someone doesn't understand our situation, doesn't mean that their griefs are any less important.


We all suffer... me from IF, P from her loss, you for any number of reasons... and no one's suffering is greater than anyone else's because our individual hurts are ours to bear... and while we are feeling the pain we can't imagine that anyone else could be feeling as low as we do.  But, they can... and sadly they do.


Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Torn...

I previously wrote about how we decided to put off "the big cycle" because we had so much going on this year.  Whenever AF decides to show is when we are supposed to get this show on the road.

Through the waiting game that we have played over the past few months, I have found that while I am more and more ready, Mr seems to be less and less ready.  I am so torn as to what to do.

I have used these off months to gather my thoughts and prepare myself for what is next.  I have budgeted, I have come to terms with what the hormones will do to my body, hell - I even have spreadsheets!

Mr seems to have used the time to talk himself out of our previous plan.  And while the points he makes are valid points, they are all things we have discussed before.  They are all things that we found answers to.

Why the change of heart?  Why now?

The funny thing about our conflicting opinions is that AF seems to have taken an extended vacation.  I am on CD68 with no signs of her return.  And oddly, I am ok with her disappearance.  It's almost like she hasn't shown because we have to work this out.  God/nature/whatever you want to believe in, has intervened and given us an opportunity to work this out.  I of could course call in for a Provera script, but I honestly believe that this has to work itself out.

Mr has brought up again the idea of doing an IUI before heading into IVF.  Of course this co-worker, or his friend's wife's cousin, or whoever has given him the story of how they were told it wouldn't happen and then it did.  Everyone hears those stories!  And you know what?... good for them!  I am truely happy that they got their miracle.  But, what was their diagnosis?  What treatments did they try?  What medications were they on?  Of course they give you the happy... and leave out the rest of the story.

If it was just my PCOS, or just his MFI - I would be all for giving IUI a go.  But, the odds just aren't with us.  My gut tells me that IVF is the way to go, but do I give the IUI a try to give Mr peace of mind? Do we spend a few thousand dollars on a chance when we could put that money towards the insane cost of IVF and up our odds?

I know that we will work it out, but knowing that there will be an outcome doesn't make the in-between time an easier.  I just wish there was a clearer path.  This IF road has been tough enough to follow, and now we find ourselves at yet another fork in the road...

Monday, November 2, 2009

Time...

... it sure does fly by.

The Mr and I met in the summer.  I was just 17, he was 20... I had just graduated high school, he was living up the college life.  But, from the instant we met, it all just kind of clicked, different lives heading in opposite directions and yet we knew, even at that young age that we were meant to be.

This time of year always makes me look back and smile.  We have come a long way over the past ten years.  Together we have learned to love, learned to grow, learned to live...  The road has been less than easy for the two of us, but we have managed to find the way together.

My smiles for this time of year stem mainly from the celebration of my love's birthday and also for the anniversary of our engagement.  Now, I know that most people do not dwell on anniversary's such as these, but for me these two events go hand in hand.

We live just outside of Philly and always enjoy ourselves when make the trip over the bridge.  I love visiting the historic sites... they fascinate me and I never get bored.  So, two years ago we decided to celebrate Mr's birthday in the city.  We did the touristy thing in Olde City all day, shopped in Center City and relaxed over an amazing meal at one of our favorite restaurants.

After dinner, Mr suggested a walk around Penns Landing to end the night.  I thought his was a horrible idea... I was tired and full and thought going home was a much better option... but he insisted so off we went.  The water there at night is beautiful to watch and the Philadelphia skyline provides the perfect back-drop.  We walked for awhile and then stopped to take it all in.  After a bit, Mr turned to me and uttered the words that forever changed our lives...

Him: "Well, it's about that time..."
Me:  "Time for what?"
Him:  "You know, its time..."
Me:  "What the hell are you talking about?"

Finally, he got down on one knee (oooh, time for that) and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him.  When I finally caught my breath I of course said YES!  Our families were waiting to help us celebrate the engagement that was eight years in the making.  We laughed, I cried, and I admit that at one point I threw-up from all the excitement.

Mr's birthday will forever remind me of the night we got engaged and he will never live down his big-question opening line.  This year, re-telling the story brought me the smile that has been doing more and more hiding lately.  I enjoy sharing our engagement story with others... the reactions are always fun to watch/hear... and sharing a smile is always a good thing :)

So with that, Happy Birthday Love... I love you and I wouldn't trade our story for any other...

Saturday, October 31, 2009

NFP...

I had a woman suggest Natural Family Planning to me today.

I stood there in shock, speechless and unable to dish out the throat-punch that rested on the tips of my knuckles.

My sil's mother took it upon herself to grill me about our baby-making efforts today.  I tried to kindly answer her questions that yes, we are trying... no, we aren't pregnant yet... but she lost me when she started offering up advice... and NFP to boot.

Trust me lady, while I would like nothing more than to have some good old-fashioned sex on CD14 and get knocked up as a result... it just isn't going to happen.

If you would kindly stfu and keep your dark-age advice to yourself, we would all be better off.

ETA:  My anger towards this advice has much more to do with the suggester rather than the suggestion.  My vent isn't about NFP and that is how it came across :)  This woman has been told on more than one occasion, by myself and her daughter, of our troubles and she still just doesn't get it. 

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Awareness...

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month.

This disease has touched us all and it is the little things we do that can help make a difference. It hits very close to home for me as my mother is a survivor and we sadly lost her sister to this ugly disease some ten years ago.

Remember to perform self-exams and to call your Dr. if you have any concerns. Early detection does save lives.

If you don't already, please "favorite" www.thebreastcancersite.com and click-a-day to help give free mammograms to those in need. You can also visit www.feelyourboobies.com to help spread awareness.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Reminder...

This weekend was just what the Dr ordered...

I spent Friday night at homecoming with my sorority sisters. Those girls know how to pick you up, slap you around, and send you merrily on your way. They brought me back to reality. They made me smile. They made me breath...

Saturday we celebrated the birthday of one of my dearest friends. Good friends, good food, good drinks, good times.

This weekend was a reminder of how lucky I am. I know that some days are going to be better than others... and on the not so good days, I have amazing friends and family to help me along the way.

I shelled out some advice to a friend recently and need to throw it right back at myself...

"Life moves along. Some days we are running to catch up with it and others we are at the vortex of the tornado, stuck in a time free-haze where everything on the outside is flying by and all we can do is sit frozen. All we can do is keep breathing... one day at a time... one foot in front of the other. Don't let the crap days outshine the good ones... this life has a lot to offer."

Friday, October 23, 2009

Release...

Earlier in the year, I gave myself a pep-talk of sorts. I told myself that I would not let IF get the best of me... that I would keep my head up and focus on the good.

Ha! What a joke. I have been down-right wicked lately.

I recently was unintentionally cruel to someone who has always been extremely nice to me. At the time, I thought nothing of it. How it came across was not how it was intended, but in hindsight I should have known better. I have since apologized, but it doesn't make it right.

Looking back over the past few months, I don't recognize the person I have become. I am angry and bitter and sad most of the time. I find myself pulling away from friends. I can't focus at work. My at home to-do list steadily grows and I can't bring myself to get any of it done.

As much as I know that I am letting the ugly take over and that I need a swift kick in the ass, I just can't seem to snap out of it. I have become what I had feared... I have let it consume me. I have found an odd sort of comfort in the "dark & twistys." It is easier to slide into the ease of miserableness than it is to fake a smile.

I need some kind of release... an outlet for my frustrations... something to clear my head and get me back on my feet. I know what I need to do, but getting there is more than half the battle from where I currently stand...

Monday, October 12, 2009

Faith...

Growing up, we attended church every week... I was active in the Jr. Choir and even the youth group. Somewhere along the line, I let my life get in the way and my time with God began to dwindle. Attendance at church a few times a week changed to once a week, to once a month, to just holidays, to nothing. My nightly prayers slowly stopped being said and then I found myself only praying when the going got tough...

And now as I search for answers to the whys and what ifs, I find myself looking to what I learned in Church those many years ago. The world seems to be fighting us at every turn. Some days I can't help but wonder... Are we being punished? I am questioning my faith when I can't find the upside of down.

Of course I know all the cliches... "God will not give me more than I can handle," "God has a special plan for us," and the list goes on and on... and I want to believe that there is a plan for us and that we will be able to handle that plan, but holding onto that belief has become tough.

Each one of us needs a lifeline... so, what is yours? What keeps you holding on? What makes you stand up and fight one more battle? Is it your faith, is it love, is it someone, or is it something entirely different?...

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Side-tracked

I have barely had time to breath lately, let alone think...

I find my self enduring Weddingpalooza 2009... We have had five weddings since July 4th. I have been in two - the matron of honor in one. During this time we have had three bachelor/bachelorette parties, several birthdays, and even a christening.

While my bank account is crying, the insanity has also helped to keep me somewhat side-tracked. I can't constantly think about babies, needles, appointments, etc when I am busy drying bride tears, making last minute changes to 20 centerpieces, and trying to figure out why the hell our day of transportation is an hour late.

This Friday will be my last wedding and I am sure that when all is said and done, I will breath a sigh of relief for all of about thirty seconds and then resume panic mode for my upcoming cycle.

In a perfect world, AF should arrive sometime within the next week. I hope this does happen so that I don't have too much time to dwell on the crazy... I could just dive right in and get this show on the road. I'm also hoping this holds true so that my New Years wish of getting pregnant in 2009 will finally come to be...

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Blank...

I haven't written because I don't really know where my thoughts are.

We have known since the beginning of the year that this is the path we would have to take. We knew that the day would come when it would be the time to move forward with the plan we didn't want to have to follow. But over the past nine months (can you say irony), there have been so many things that made us delay the inevitable and prevented us from moving forward...

We finally took our honeymoon
We wanted to be sure we were financially ready
We needed to be emotionally ready
We had five (yes five) weddings to get through
We were hoping for a miracle...

And now that the days are becoming fewer, I suddenly find myself blank. I don't know what I feel or how I should feel. Yes, I know that there is no right or wrong answer but shouldn't I feel something? I was anxious, I was nervous, I was excited... now I am just, I don't know, here...

Monday, September 14, 2009

Fear...

Becoming pregnant is supposed to fun. You are supposed to enjoy the act of the making and embrace the nine months of baking. And yet I find myself scared. This has to work. There is no other choice. Yes, I will plant a smile on my face no matter the outcome because thats how I am... but the reality is that if we subject ourselves to these treatments and are then left with nothing, it will tear me apart.

While my thoughts continue to consume me and my fear threatens to take control, I find my heart breaking not only for myself.

This past week, I learned that a friend of mine has miscarried. I am so overwhemingly sad for her. It just isn't fair...

Another friend is cautiously expecting. She has suffered three losses in the past and while she should be thrilled that she is pregnant, she is instead scared... she is afraid to share the news, she is afraid to be excited, she is afraid to simply hope...

Why do horrible things happen to good people?.. Why does the joy of becoming a parent get to be taken from someone who wants nothing more than to love a child?.. There are too many why's and not enough answers.

Some days simply suck... and today is one of them. Trying to find the silver lining but today I just can't seem to locate the glimmer...

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Generosity...

Sometimes the kindness of a complete stranger can be overwhelming.

I found an amazing group of women online who are all having TTTC. While I would never wish infertility on my worst enemy, it is reassuring to have a place to go where people "get it". Some stories are heartbreaking, but when the happy ones come along filled with healthy pregnancys resulting in beautiful babies... you can't help but to keep your own faith.

Two of these amazing women have generously donated medication to me... medication never used during their IVF cycles... medication that would cost us thousands of dollars... medication from women whom I have never met in person... delivered to me no questions asked.

I can't help but to believe that the love and generosity that comes with doing such an amazing deed will somehow help us that much more on our journey. There aren't enough thanks for what you have done for me... I can only hope that one day I can pay it forward.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Slap in the face...

There are only fifteen states that mandate coverage for infertility. NJ is one of them.

Well... of course our health insurance conveniently fits into one of those loopholes where we are not covered. Zip.Zero.Nada. We are 100% out of pocket.

If you know even just a little bit about IVF, then you are aware that well... it ain't cheap.

Seriously... when do we get a break?

I know that we have a lot to be thankful for... we have jobs, a home, amazing family and friends, and most importantly we have each other. But that does not mean that I cannot be angry at the world for where we find ourselves. It is painful enough to be told that you will most likely not be able to conceive on your own but to then be told that there is no coverage for the procedures that may help you is like a slap in the face.

We will be fine. We will get through this. The outcome will be more than I am sure we could possibly ever dream of... but right now, this simply sucks.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

How'd we get here... Part Three

So with the latest crappy results, Doc called us in for another consult.

After looking over all of the tests that had been completed on the two of us and monitoring me through a full cycle, we were told that our best option to help us conceive was IVF with ICSI.

To say that this was shocking news would be a major understatement.

Of course we asked if there were any other options. Doc said that we could try an IUI but the chances of it working were only marginally better than simply trying on our own. We asked if we should see a urologist... maybe there was some kind of medication or procedure or something???... She said again that the odds were against us but gave us the name of a few urologists that specialize in MFI.

We made an appointment right away. The urologist informed us that part of the issue probably stemmed from a surgery and injury that DH sustained as a kid... but that part of the issue was just basically bad luck. After more tests (of course), the diagnosis is what it is. A special fertility vitamin was recommended - we figured it was worth a try - after all it couldn't hurt anything at this point...

So thats where we stand... onto IVF...

Thursday, August 20, 2009

How'd we get here... Part Two

So to make a long story short... if you are taking Clomid, you should be monitored with blood-work and ultrasounds. Some of the side effects, if not monitored, can result in doing more harm than good.

While contemplating what to do, we received the results from The Mr's SA. The results weren't all that great. All of his hormone levels were within range but, his count (number of sperm) - motility (movement of sperm) - and morphology (normal shape of sperm) were all low. After some more research and advice from a friend dealing with infertility I decided it was time to call the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist).

Best.decision.ever.

She put us at ease right away. We went over each of our medical histories, set up appointments to have me monitored, and ordered a second SA. While I didn't yet know where the road would ultimately lead, I felt comfortable taking the journey with this Dr.

Good news - Clomid did make me ovulate...
Bad news - The Mr's second SA came back with even worse results than the first one...

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

How'd we get here... Part One

We are young. We have only been married a little over a year. So how we wound up on IVF's doorstep has to make some people scrath their heads. Trust me - I still scratch mine in bewilderment most days.

Well... it started before we even met to be honest. We both have conditions that will make having a baby the natural way very difficult - but neither of us knew.

From the start I just had a feeling. A feeling that it was either going to happen right away or that their would be some kind of complication. No in between - either crazy easy or stupid tough. After a few months with no luck I picked up Taking Charge of Your Fertility under the advice of a friend. All I can say is wow - its amazing how little we are taught about our bodies. This book helped me in so many ways.

I have always had irregular cycles but had never thought anything of it. It was great not getting my period for months at a time. After reading the book I began to chart my cycles and realized that my cycles were so long because I wasn't ovulating on my own. And well, if you aren't ovulating then its pretty damn hard to get pregnant. I decided to call my obgyn for a wellness check and to talk about being anovulatory and about trying to conceive (TTC).

After meeting with the Dr. and showing him my charts he decided that it would be in my best interest to try the fertility drug Clomid to help make me ovulate. Dr. also recommended that my husband have a semen analysis (SA) to ensure there wasn't something else preventing us from getting pregnant. He gave us our scripts, told me to call on a certain day of my cycle, and sent us on our way.

I am a researcher my nature and it is also engrained in me as part of my schooling so I looked into Clomid the second we walked into the door.

And that my friends is when our world became something new...

(ETA: I highly recommend TCOYF... its a great source for understanding your body and charting can be used to aid in getting pregnant as well as preventing pregnancy the natural way.)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Consider this your warning ;)

The art of baby making the - shall we say - "un-natural" way isn't always so pretty... but if I am going to discuss infertility and all its glory then I am going to be brutaly honest about it!

So consider yourself warned for the upcoming musings regarding our journey :)

Friday, August 7, 2009

Mock Transfer...

One of the final steps before we actually begin our IVF cycle is to have a Mock Transfer. Basically, this is where the RE inserts a tiny catheter into the uterus to to measure its depth and direction. This is done so that when the actual transfer is performed, there are no surprises.

So, I scheduled my mock for yesterday. The procedure required no prep which was great. In doing some online research (google can be your best friend and your worst enemy!) I found that many places suggest a full bladder to assist with the test. So, even though my RE didn't require it, I drank a little extra water yesterday :)

The procedure itself was very quick and the Dr and nurse were extremely kind. The Dr did say that having a full bladder allowed her to find the path easier and she was able to complete it faster as well. I had slight cramping that lasted only seconds and overall the discomfort was very minimal.

She said everything looks good and we are free to proceed with IVF whenever we are ready! We are hoping to get this show on the road sometime in September or October... wow... the butterflies have officially invaded my belly!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Fresh air...

So today I did something that I haven't done in awhile.  Something that I used to love.  Something that used to make me feel great.  

I ran.  

I forgot how great it felt... sure I'm going to be sore and I cannot go the distance I once could... but I cannot tell you how awesome it was just to breath in the fresh air, rock out to my ipod, and leave all my worries in the wind...

Monday, August 3, 2009

Control...

We cannot control everything.  I have fully embraced that - especially with our diagnosis.  I have accepted that this road, while not ideal, is ours to travel.

But... it has also forced a wake-up call of sorts upon me.  While that one huge part of our life is out of our hands, I can hold the reins in other aspects of the world I call my own.

I can choose to be bitter.  I can choose to be angry.  I can choose to let the emptiness consume me...

or...

I can choose to enjoy all the other amazingly wonderful people and things and places that I encounter every day.  Simply, I can choose to smile.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Things aren't always as they seem...

Sometimes it simply hurts to breath... and yet I find myself finding the strength to face another day and pretend that it isn't happening to us.  Denial?... call it what you will but it gets me through each day.

I want to be a mom.  Its that simple... and yet its so completely difficult.  

We've been told that IVF is the answer.  Pretty cut and dry... no in between... 

Its hard to not let it consume me.  I don't want to be "that girl"... the crazy baby lady.  Most days it remains bottled up... simmering under the surface waiting for someone to make sense of it all.   

So, today I decided to finally give myself a release.  When I joined this site I wondered what I would write about and found myself shying away from posting because the idle chatter of my daily life just didn't seem worth sharing.  But, I think that putting the words out there... even if only for myself to read will somehow ease the burden placed on my heart.

So for now I remain... Angry. Bitter. Jealous... Hopeful...